Friday, July 30, 2010

Touching the stuff underneath

Hands at heart center ya'll

I went to see a Buddhist monk recently. That story is here. You don't need to read it iffn you don't want to. It's all good and it's all free.

My task as of late, is to heal from my miscarriages. I am doing this because it's still there, the pain and yuck, hiding behind migraines and a sadness that ebbs and flows. And I want to heal. Because I am a happy and giddy person at baseline. Because my life is an embarassment of riches and I want to be here, lapping it all up, all the time. And because we are a month away from trying again and I don't want the lurking, crazy hurt to affect the next steps. The steps of getting nekkid and knocked up I mean.

Anyway, the first step us to show myself compassion. Give all my inside stuff a hug. This way, I can make peace.

It's kind of funny, practicing compassion for myself. I mean, I am what they call an "alpha female". Very much in charge of most everything I want for me and mine. It's kind of an illusion though. I mean, I'm not really in charge of anything. This is kind of a bummer.

The lack of mind control over this matter is apparent the more I deal and heal. I mean, after the first miscarriage I took a week off, cried with my husband and I thought I was done. Then the next one happened and I cried really hard with my husband and thought I was done. I had done what was needed to be done and I thought I was done but I was wrong. Again, bummer.

So I shh, I yoga, I pray and I feel. Different poses help things along. Like this pose, called the corpse pose. Or 'sleeping zombie pose' as I like to call it.


It is the hardest pose for me because you just lay there. And be still. You do this at the end of class when all your energy is supposedly spent. Only my energy is hardly ever spent. I am perpetual motion people. It's taken me SOOOO LOOONGG TO JUST LAY THERE! Five years of yoga and this is still my most challenging pose.

Part of the problem is that all the yoga poses that come before this pose, they stir the pot of internal energies. So when I lay there, all the energies are bubbling and sloshing. And then I have to lay there and try to be still.

And that's exactly what I did on Monday. I let all of it swirl and be crazy. And the funniest thing happened. I felt this unbelievable joy. Joy when I thought about the two positive pregnancy tests. Joy about former suddenly swollen c-cups. Joy because I had had morning sickness. Because I was pregnant twice recently. And it was our love, the love of our family growing inside me. AND THAT FEELING WAS EFFING AWESOME!

Touching the stuff underneath can pretty cool indeed.


2 Left a message at the beep:

Cam said...

It's tricky stuff...residual pain. I'm so happy you had that release, and felt the joy again. The losses, even though you would have moved heaven and earth to keep the babies, have been the catalyst for even more spiritual growth. And, that will always stay with you, so by proxy, will they.

And, you went to see a Buddhist monk? How did I miss that? I just found out that a meditation retreat is located about thirty minutes from here! It sounds awesome!!

Breaking out my Spartan cheerleader uniform in anticipation of next month! :)

PS~ I am reading a biography of Virginia Woolf, and boy howdy, that girl needed a Mrs. Hall in her life.

PPS~ that's also a thank you.

Mrs. Hall said...

GO! go to the meditation retreat. it will be awesome Cam-and then write about it because we can all be here for each other. dealing and healing together.

hugs, HUGS HUGS!!!

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