Thursday, October 27, 2011

Miss Jamaica is NOT Amish

Mr. Hall & I on our honeymoon. Snubing . . . :)

Had a dream I was in Jamaica last night. I was a waitress in a cafe, totally feeling the warm and love. I've never been to Jamaica, but it sounds fantastic. :)

Anyway, today I'm heading a Christian retreat for a few days. Driving to a church about two hours away. I'm not sure what to expect but I suppose it'll be like going to church for three days. They've asked we not have our cell phones on us. And no computer access either. This is the scary part for me. But, I've made my peace with it. It makes sense. Texting and facebooking while one is at a retreat might be counter productive. :)


We are to sleep in a common room. They said they have cots. I said, "Can I bring my queen size blow up mattress?" Because I'm Christian, NOT AMISH.

SO, wish me luck!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Ezekiel's hobby

Now that my peace has come, what am I to do with such empty space?

Get a hobby I suppose.

And that may be the key to everything.

I am busy minded woman who is lazy by nature. As such, my head does a lot of living. If I am bored, frightened, scared or left to my own devices- my busyness becomes amplified. Which is no good.

A hobby will help. More hobbies help even more. I'll yoga, use sparkpeople to keep track my diet, start cardio work and be healthy that way. I'll co-lead two bible study groups, play Mah Jong and angry birds. I'll hang out with the kids, do more chores around the house. I'll engage in my own life even more.

That way, when the thoughts kick up, about what to do about a next child, I can let them fade into the ether while I focus on my hobbies.

I do have visions though. I see everything working out ok. I see myself having a full, healthy pregnancy and me not being scared at all. I see myself embracing pregnancy with full, clear eyes. I see happiness and joy. I feel happiness and joy. I see doctor appointments as accessories not necessities. I see a new baby coming and nursing like a champ. I see us holding the baby and feeling such love. I see this all in context of yoga, keeping track of my foods, cardio, leading bible study groups and hanging out with my kids. Which is wonderful. I see it all. I see myself doing it all in God's name.

So wonderful feeling this of peace.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Hushing the Holler

Behold! My blue yoga mat, red yoga towel (to catch the sweat drippings and help me NOT slip off my mat), and black sweater in our sun room. Pancake's yoga mat is the pink one. The flowery thing is my purse, co-sewed my daughter and I.

When I woke up this morning a small voice spoke in my head.
It said, no, don't go to yoga at 7.30 am. Stay in the nice warm bed, you can go later. Or, said the voice, don't go at all, you can always use your treadmill.
That voice is bullshit. If I don't go, I don't do anything.
But, it got louder the closer it came for me to leave.
It started yelling, then hollering.
And for one brief moment I almost gave in.
But I didn't. I just got my yoga clothes on and left.
And ON this day, hushing the holler,
It was huge!

Then I came home all sweaty an hour and half later. It felt wonderful.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

my roaming profile problem


let's discuss my roaming profile. What is a roaming profile you ask? Well it has to do with my work computer. I'll use my own special, non technical language to explain, because hey, I'm a girl and math is hard.

I'm a Nurse Practitioner-Mental Health Outpatient Care. I work at two different clinics throughout the week. Thus, I need to log onto two different computers. Once I log in, I get access to my clinic's computer charting system and a company outlook email. The health clinic I work for is a nation wide organization. When I log in, I log into my 'roaming profile'.

My profile is based out of a facility two hours away. I'm assuming there is a special computer there that keeps it warm at night when I'm gone. So when I log in, I log into a roaming profile. (Because it roams from the facility two hours away and meets me at the clinic I'm at.) All bright eyed and bushy tailed at 8 am.


MY STUPID ROAMING PROFILE DOESN'T FRIGGIN WORK HALF THE GD TIME. I get all these error messages. Plus, iffn I do log in, sometimes stuff gets put on my profile WHICH MAKES IT GROW SO LARGE THAT IT SHUTS ME DOWN. Sometimes, out of nowhere, I'll get a message that says, "your roaming profile has exceeded the limit" Then my computer will crash. And I didn't do anything!! I didn't download anything. I have basically stopped blogging at work. Because ya know, my job has gotten so busy I can't blog at work.

which is sad.

BUT. then there's this problem.

The IT guys, that fix this kind of thing, I can't get at them. They're at the facility two hours away. We can't contact them directly. We can't call them, we have to call a national hotline and maybe two weeks later we'll here something back. AND they can't access my profile remotely. So I'm kind of f*cked.

Yes, I realize I can swear-- but I don't think it's appropriate.

I'm f*cked because iffn I can't get at the computer charting system I CAN'T GET AT MY PATIENT'S CHARTS. So they come to me and I have no idea what I am prescribing for them. I have no idea what we did last time and I feel like an idiot. I need the chart BECAUSE I HAVE ABOUT 300 PATIENTS NOW. I can't keep everybody straight.


then, sometimes, I'm able to get into the charts but not my work email. Part of the problem is that there are 45 Holly Hall(s) that work at my organization. I'm not kidding either. So when they reset stuff, they sometimes reset stuff for Holly Hall of Texas. Which is fine, but I'm not a janitor at the Wichita Falls location.

So no work email. Which is ok really. There are too many ways to get ahold of me. Email is a big time suck of suckage. And if one more person forwards me an email that those stupid fluffy bunnys and GIF smiley faces and has those stupid paragraphs at the end--where it says send it to five more women or your arm will fall off . . . so help me . . . So, yeah, I don't miss it.



Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I washed people's feet all day, then this happened

(this post is a long one, but if you stay to the end, it will be worth it :)

I recently took part in an event sponsored by "Samaritan's Feet". This organization hands out socks and shoes for free. All you have to do is show up to the tent.

In the tent there were ~ 150 volunteers. We all had different jobs--foot washers, runners, ushers, greeters etc. I volunteered for 'foot washer'. My choice surprised me. I'm not a fan of feet. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized-

I'VE BEEN DOING FOOT CARE ALL MY NURSING CAREER. Of course I should be a foot washer.

People sat down in front of me and I'd say, "Welcome, my name is Holly. Thank you for coming. Today we hope to provide you with a new pair of socks and shoes." Then Mr. Hall would ask what size shoe they needed and would run to get it. (He was my runner :) Then I'd say, "While we're waiting, can I wash your feet?"

Why wash the feet? Because Jesus did this.

This was my day on a Saturday. Greeting people and offer to wash their feet while we were waiting for their shoes. Some people didn't want their feet washed, some didn't want the shoes we brought, some didn't have any idea what we were doing. What we were doing- was spreading the love of God.

It's important to note, they didn't have to have their feet washed. They didn't have to do anything to get the shoes. Except show up to the tent :)

While I was washing or just waiting, I'd ask them if they went to church. I'd ask them what brought them to the Samaritan's Tent. I'd get a variety of responses. Some would be upset, some would be confrontational. Some would embrace the experience and share their journey with me. Some would tell me about their baptism. Before everyone left, I would ask if I could pray for them. And if they said yes, I'd give it my best shot, take their hands in mine and pray my heart out.

It was a day of awesomeness, this day of washing feet. It was very natural and easy going too. I like volunteering. Especially with Mr. Hall.


This happened.

The next day, in church, at the very end, I was drifting off in my thoughts. The service had gone long, something like 2 hours long. The pastor of my church can get quite worked up. :) Then, I felt something like a shift. Like an opening inside and I thought to myself, "I'm done." It was just like that: "I'm done.", painted in gentle, yet unmistakable letters in my brain.

It took me a moment. I had to figure out what I was done with.

I figured it out. I flashed to an image that's been haunting me. I see myself, laying there, on the exam table, getting the ultrasound and not seeing my baby's heart beat. Then being told her heart wasn't beating. This is how I learned of both my miscarriages, through ultrasounds.

But, I was done. And this image, it was different. It was like I was in the room with my former self. Like I was standing next to me. I could embrace myself. I could comfort myself as I spasmed and choked on my tears. And that scene, it no longer haunts me. Because I'm done. I'm done hurting about it. I'm done. I'm not the same woman laying there on the table. I am healed.

And I figured out even more.

I've been cranking my thoughts like a spinning top, cranking on it so hard. My thoughts have become torturous, thoughts of "Should we try to get pregnant again?" or "Should take the IUD out?" or "We need to stop trying/wait no. . . " These thoughts, they would scare me and drive me nuts. BUT I AM DONE. I took my hand off the crank. I am done. I am not bound up in want and fear anymore. I'm done. Just done. I am healed.

So we drive home, and I feel calm, peace and happiness. I feel 500 pounds lighter. I praise Jesus for this. It is amazing the relief I feel.

Then, I put the kids down for the nap. I curled up to Mr. Hall and told him all of this. And I said, whatever you need, how ever you need it, I am here for you. And we hugged and wept.

Monday, October 10, 2011

reasons I need to yoga number 7879

Day 10 of the 21 day challenge yo. (where I go to hot yoga every day for 21 days).

There are about 6 different teachers at my yoga studio. Some of crisp and fluent. Some are more stoner. Feel the energy dude. Which irks me, the stoner teachers don't run the class fast enough. Which made me realize something. I DIDN'T THINK THE YOGA CLASS WAS MOVING FAST ENOUGH. Then I thought, wow, I'm a special kinda crazy. So yeah, need more yoga. :)

I can say that yoga is gluing me back together. Walking with my shoulders back and everything.

moving the body is awakening the real Mrs. Hall.

down 15 lbs too.


here I come.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Obsessions are the best

Thank you all for the comments on yesterday's post. Little Mac is getting good reports these days. All sorts of listening. :)

I have to remember when teachers approach me about my child's behavior, I can gently take the reins. I can model calmness and appreciation. I can talk them through what I know of my child and how to help bring out the best in him. If I stick with my strengths-compassion, empathy, warmth and a healthy sense of humor, I can set the tone. Then, we can collaborate.


That kind of thinking happens when I yoga a lot.

Yoga is kind of a bait and switch. I started practicing yoga, lo these nine years ago, as a way to help lose weight. Turns out, it grabbed me in all sorts of unexpected ways. It teaches me to slow, to lean in and divide up the bits that hurt and the bits that give joy. It calms my ADD-addled brain. It allows the hands of God to reach in and sooth my sore spots.

It also gives me a focus right now. Because my brain is a busy brain that thrives in obsessions. Right now, this 21 day yoga challenge is my obsession. But, the more I go, the less obsessed I become.

Like with this pose, called the extended side angle with a bind. The bind part is the arms.


And i've never felt more unbound!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

En route to babe status, tenderly

Picked up my son from preschool yesterday. He was all snotty nose and face down. I could tell it was a bad day. Which one has when one is four. Then his teacher came out and talked about what happened. He wouldn't line up, gave her lip and was disrepectful.

First off, I don't really deal well with teachers telling me bad things about my kids. I go into this shame-embarrassed-then hyperdefensive spiral. It's a spiral where I feel embarrased and ashamed then get really mad because he's my SON. And how dare she talk smack about him??

He's four, he is learning how to listen. She's with him for only 3 hours a day, he's a good boy, he just needs TIME. JUST LIKE AT SWIM CLASS, JUST LIKE AT GYMNASTICS!!! HE IS A GOOD KID!!!! HE HAS A BIG GIGANTIC HEART AND CARES A LOT!! AND HE'S SO SMART!!! HE JUST HAS PROBLEMS FOLLOWING RULES!! (just like his momma ;)

And she's talking to me, and I'm feeling my way through the spiral and I realize I'm getting way too worked up. I realize I'm about to cry, just like Mac. Then I cut her off and say, slowly, "Well, it's a work in progress." And she nods, we exchange polite smiles/shoulder shrugs and I leave because I don't want to listen to her anymore.

This is why Mr. Hall deals with the teachers.

So, I think about this. I realize that I had yoga class right before I picked him up. My yoga practice is coming back to life. Not only am I feeling my emotions again, I'm feeling all sorts of muscles and moving around like I own my body. I'm kind of exploding on the inside.

Which is great, cause that means I'm en route to babe status. Lost about 13 lbs so far. Size 10 jeans here I come.

Except I've signed up for a challenge. I've signed up for 21 straight days of yoga. Which should help shrink my chubby quite nicely. I'm scared though. There is an emotional aspect that comes roaring to life when I yoga regularly.

Not sure what will happen when I do yoga 21 days straight.

wish me luck!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Not overthinking the crow

Haven't had much to say lately. So, let's talk about crow.

That up there, my good people, is the crow pose. I've been practicing yoga at a new studio. I hadn't been at my old yoga studio in a year. I've been avoiding it because they knew me when I was pregnant. I thought a lapse in classes would cause them to forget me.

So I called and asked if I had anymore classes on my account. They not only remembered me, but they asked about Mr. Hall. I don't know why I think people don't remember me. People always tell me that I don't have to reintroduce my self. Maybe I like to hope I'm anonymous.

I think most bloggers are introverts. This is why we have a blog. Yet, I am actively challenging this. Each and every day I am breaking the wall between me and the others. THE OTHERS I SAY!!!


I went to my old yoga studio and there was a new teacher.. She was kinda loud. And funny. Then, she looked right at me and said, "HOLLY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE CROW POSE." She didn't really shout it or ask it. She just sorta told me, in no uncertain, yet very friendly terms, that I would be doing the crow pose. Which I've tried for years but can't seem to do.

But I did it.

The key is not thinking, not analyzing, just going for it.

And while I only held the pose for 2 seconds, I did it.



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