Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Stuff I don't feel guilty about

RW did a post about things he doesn't feel guilty about. I don't feel guilty about stealing his idea.

1. Not liking Henry Rollins (who is pictured above)

I was once a fan of his spoken work, quick wit and funny stories. Nowadays, I find him grating. I can't take all the f-bombs and assorted swears. I just can't take it. Plus, I believe there is a time to be a punk ass then there is a time to grow up. To revel in the complexity and beauty of life. And stop saying the f word. He is older than me, he needs to grow up. Until then Mr. Rollins, we'll always have 'Get in the van'.

2. Buying those stupid products from PAMPERED CHEF, AVON, MARY KAY, MICHE BAGS, SCENTY OR ANY OTHER CRAP from my friends who are 'selling it'.

I am a girl. I have friends that are also females. Females think that if they sell things like pampered chef or avon, they will make money. IT DOESN'T WORK LADIES. These types of sales are pyramid schemes. You need to rope people in to be your sales staff and take a cut from their sales to even break even. So no, I won't be supporting that kind of scam. Plus the prices on that stuff is overpriced. I realize they are trying to generate a second income for themselves but just ask for money instead. Be honest with me and maybe I'll help.

And stop inviting me to your 'parties' with these products. A real party is a gathering of friends with wine, cheese and giggles. Where you don't try to sell me anything. :(

3. Saying no to stuff like PTA

I like my life on the lazy side. I will only give so much to extracurricalar activities. I really, really like my family. I like lounging and relaxing with them. I like not having my kids in three sports each. Sure, I co-lead some church groups, work almost full time and work out. But, beyond that, I need time to decompress and have quality, monkey love with the Mister. So no, I'm not volunteering for anything more.

4. My religion

Like any group of people, Christians conjure up a lot of images, thoughts and stereotypes in peoples' heads. These are influenced by the images in the media mostly. The media has a job to emotionally provoke the viewer by showing them images of hate, fear and intolerence. If the media can scare you, or make you mad . . . . you'll watch longer. And thus buy more products. . . It's a fact jack!

So, when people think about Christians, sometimes they think not so nice things. But here, in this cyberspace, let me be a shining example of God's love towards all my brothers and sisters. Let me show what God has done in my life, how rich and awesome His power is.

So there ya go.

Stuff I don't feel guilty about!

What don't YOU feel guilty about?

Monday, November 28, 2011

A wink, nod and a dream

Mr. Hall and I filled out the 30 or so pages of foster parent paperwork. It was fun actually. We just took a deep breath and filled it out. There were all manner of personal questions, like how was my relationship with my mom. Are you willing to work the birth parents in the reunification process? How is your marriage? Are there any family members who would object to a child of a different race? It's a lot of questions that are hard to answer in two or three sentences.

We try to be as truthful as possible. Like with the last question. I say, "I use to have a racist uncle, but he's passed on now."

Anywho . . .

Went to the doctor to be medically cleared. She thankfully eschewed the lady part exam, for which I'm eternally greatful. I'm tired of people looking at my lady parts. I've had way too much doctor related activity with my junk on account of the miscarriages. I say no more! I want to be back to normal with doctors. I don't want to see them anymore 'cept once a friggin year. Or never again in my life would be good too.

I was pronounced normal. . .


Anywho . . .

In addition to the paperwork, interviews and mandatory classes; we've been emotionally preparing ourselves for this foster parent journey. As much as we can anyway.

Which brings me to Thanksgiving. I was holding my new baby nephew and getting annoyed at his Mom because she was all up in my grill. "Hold the baby like this," she says, "Hold the bottle like that! Careful for his head!" GAH!!! I've held babies before ya know!! (I used my inside voice to say this.) I started to get pissy-- but then I remembered. I was the exact same way with my daughter. Nervous, hovering and needing her in my arms at all times. :)

Then, after we got home, I felt a balloon inflate, right in my chest. It hardened to a plastic gallon of milk. It hung there, suspended by an axle and cable system from my ribs. I was just so sad, it hurt to breathe. When I breathed, I started to cry.

I am about three weeks from my now useless due date. I had decorated December 18th on my calendar with a red heart and stickers. I should be round and plump. Whining about how I can't breathe or eat because baby is taking up space.

But I'm not.

Instead, I'm learning how to live with this sadness when it wells up. A good eighty five percent of the time, it's not here. I know it will never go away though. I believe it will ebb and flow for the rest of my life. It consumes me sometimes. That's rare, the consumption. So, I'm learning to feel joy and sadness all at the same time.

I pray with Mr. Hall and try not to swim in the sadness when it comes. I purposefully tell God I am surrendering to His will about all of this.

Becoming a foster parent is a process of letting go. I am scheduling our lives around the paperwork, examinations and classes. We are not in charge of any of this. It's becoming more fun though. The more I let go, the more giggles I produce. ;)

I can say this. We are starting to work with a social worker. OH MY GAH.. I love our social worker. She lets me ask all sorts of questions and has a very pragmatic and kind way about her. Social workers are the best!

And that may be the key to this. Reaching out and leaning on people as much as I can. Which is why I'm writing this. I need to tell the stories about my life. Especially the parts that mean everything to me.

thank you for reading :)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Digging deep and napping hard

Like most moms, I use to stare at my babies while they napped. I think it's normal, this behavior. New moms tend to be nervous and want to make sure everything is ok, especially when their babies sleep. Hence the staring.

Of course, it didn't occur to me to NAP while my baby daughter napped. I wanted to be awake-just in case she needed me. After my son was born, I learned that I can be in a deep, coma like sleep and still rise up like the dickens at the sound of his cough. I learned napping is ok. It even helps me be less yelly with the kids! It was then my love of naps began in earnest.

Nowadays, both kids are big enough that they don't need naps. My daughter Pancake is nine, my son Mac is four. Sometimes we force the issue with Mac. He can be a crank and spank without proper rest. Sometimes, Mommy needs a nap, so Mac gets one as a bonus.

hee hee hee


Sometimes, Mac will ask to snuggle and nap with me. Sadly, it almost never works. He just squiggles and whispers to me while I try to sleep. This is the cause 99% of the time.

But sometimes, it works.

It happened yesterday. Mac just passed out in my arms! I was so excited!! Then I started to get twitchy. My legs twitched, my back itched and I felt like I had glass in my veins. I new I had to do something to fix it and fast. Otherwise, I would miss it! Or wake him. Then my chance would be gone.

So I hunkered down and dug deep. I forced myself to breathe deep and relax. Then I slept all intertwined with my little boy. We napped hard.

When I woke up- I just about died from all the nuggle awesomeness!!

One of the best naps EVAH!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Lots and Lots

Lots and lots of things have been happening in my life. All of which have made me aware of this: I can't do this alone. For instance, I can't fill out the foster parent application alone. I have bad handwriting and can't spell worth a fudge. However, Mr. Hall can fill it out. His handwriting is aces!

I can't study God's word alone. It's easy to draw your own conclusions when reading the bible. So I read it with groups. That way, not only am I held responsible for actually reading the reading, but I hear what others have to say. How the passage affected them. It's a win win really.

I can't parent alone. Not only is Mr. Hall fully invested and involved with his children, he acts a sort of "Mrs. Hall Whisperer" when I am going off the deep end. Which happens more often than I would like. I am prone to being fearful, overwhelmed and befuddled. Not to mention short sighted. Mr. Hall has the long view, he guides me to better places as a Mom.

I also gather with other Moms. We moms are not meant to mother alone. And while Mr. Hall can guide our family, he can't guide all my mom-ness. If you gather a group of mothers together, with the intent to grow in God's word, it's pretty powerful. I highly recommend it.

I can say this. My emerging faith is like a big experiment for me. I feel like a scientist, testing what will happen if I purposefully reach out and grow my faith with others. In these groups, I feel my faith grow in leaps and bounds. It's pretty amazing.

Then, this morning, the Tribe Called Hall all gathered in the four year old room at church. The four year old room is Mac's room. Mr. Hall and I volunteer to help teach the four year olds once a month. Pancake forgoes the eight year old room to be with her family. SO, we all gathered together. Churching in the same room.

I saw my daughter gather 'round the littler four year olds, hugging and cuddling them. She colored with them. All the while praising and cheering them on. "You are coloring so GOOD!!", she'd say :). She even pushed out of her shell, dancing and singing "Jesus is my superhero!" with them. She loved on them something wonderful. :)

I saw Mac stand next to his Daddy while he taught the bible verse to the kids. Mac was Daddy's assistant. Which means he was being bossy and getting in the way :) I sat near the back, helping the shy kids speak up and use their voice. Also, my lap was free for kids who missed their Mommies. My arms were good for hugs too. :)

So there we were, talking about God and Jesus and the Bible to little four year olds. We are not trained to do these things. We just raised our hands and volunteered to do it. And they let us.

It felt wonderful. It felt whole and home. It was awesome. :)

SO, what was the verse you ask?

"Be kind and loving to each other"

It's as simple as that!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

An email to a friend

"Hey guys!!

The social worker came and went--we've been deemed an appropriate family for the special needs adoption program of this state. Yay!! What that means is that we can start the application process to adopt a child from the foster care system. OR We can start the paperwork to become foster parents. OR we can not do any paperwork and go back to trying again. OR we can do nothing, lounging our lives away in the level of bliss to which we've become accustomed.

My head hurts!!!

So much to think about, consider and mull over."

yep. mmhhmmm. that about sums up my day.

how was yours?


Saturday, November 5, 2011

A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas Movie (review)

Unexpectantly, Mr. Hall and I had a night to burn by ourselves. No kids. Just us.

So, we took advantage of it by going to a movie and getting a bite to eat. Naturally, we choose A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas Movie. I haven't seen the first two installments of Harold & Kumar, but I had faith this movie would get the job done.

And it did. While we watched two hours of marijuana jokes, penis jokes, beer pong, pretty ladies in lingerie, more penis jokes and naked nuns showering together- I dare say I was very entertained.

Plus, Harold gives a big speech about how does things to make his wife happy, even things he doesn't want to do. Because he loves his wife.

Which is so touching.

Then, Neil Patrick Harris appears and does what he does. I love me some NPH. sigh. I need some gays. Then, more marijauna jokes. And penis jokes. Which gets funnier each and every time.

Then, we went to the melting pot and had a dinner of cheese, wine and chocolate. Which I must say, AWESOME!!!!!

The best part? The entire time I didn't think about the social worker whose coming to our house next Tuesday. She'll be interviewing us for the foster-to-adopt program. AKA adopting from the foster care system. It'll be a meet and greet mostly. But, it's a meet and greet I'm nervous, scared and thrilled about. All at the same time.

SO-at this point. It's best to steep myself in movies like Harold and Kumar. And now that we've watched this--it's time for me to finally watch Up in smoke!


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

funny family photos

The one in the middle is my mom.

just like every other person on the planet, or rather, every other WOMAN on the planet, i have issues with my mom.

until I gave up life to Jesus anyway.

After I was dipped, I prayed. I prayed to heal stuff from my childhood. Like my relationship with my mom.

AND NOW even though we fundamentally disagree on pretty much everything, we don't fight anymore.

Which I've tried to do before, I've tried not to fight. Tried to use all my mental health provider skills on me and/or my mom and we would still fight. I'd yell at her and be bossy.

I'm not proud of these things, but they are what they are. I was borne of a selfish mom, and i grew into a selfish girl.


then. as I said.

I gave up my life to Jesus.

Nowadays, when she struggles, and gets bossy---- she can't help but call herself out in front of me. She'll know when she is selfish and she'll feel bad about it. She'll verbalize that she is being a meany bossy pants, and feel bad about it.

She tells me these things because she knows I am changing. Jesus is by my side every day, changing my life in every way. Prayer is changing everything. This faith I have is blossoming and I am becoming more than could have by myself.


When she realizes she's being mean, petty and selfish. Instead of yelling at her, or belittling her (these things I am not proud of btw), I launch myself at her. Hug her. Love her.

Because God loves her and so do I.

amen to that :)

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