Friday, January 30, 2009

Nude modeling, zombies and finishing up that pesky interview

four: Do you ever yearn to go back to the punk look of your youth? Got any pics from back then you wanna post? Or from when you were a nude model? (Just kidding about the last one...kinda)

No, no urge to relive the punk years. Not in hair cut form or in life style choices. It is a relief, when the crazy ends. and breathe . . . .

As far as the art (from when I was a nude model) I am sure it's out there. I can tell you though, I was the most requested model in the bunch. I was an awesome model. I could hold difficult and interesting poses for 45 minutes. I started out as an artist so I knew how to make a good pose, how to inspire people.

My favorite classes to pose for were the continuing ed classes for seniors. They were always so nice. And dedicated to their craft. They would bring me cookies. I miss all those old ladies and gents. It was so avant garde, so sophisticated, so safe. I was encouraged to to become living art, by seasoned artists.

There is magic to being a nude model for life drawing classes. The artist takes your image and filters it through their imagination, their skill level. You are a muse. It is every bit as awesome as it sounds.

five: I'm glad to see you've included "zombies" as one of your interests on your profile page. Care to change your thoughts on heading to Vegas when the zombies attack? De-composed flesh in that heat would be a bit stinky!


I would head to Las Vegas so I could pursue my other life long dream. To be a performer in the Cirque De Solei. The show I would perform in, why O of course! This would be akin to dissolving my life into pure magic. :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Posting about shrinkage, getting all writery this week

This is Geology Joe. This photo, as well as others featuring his out door activities inspired me to write this post. It kind of breaks my heart a little.

(If you go to his site, check out the archives for 2005-2006. Lots of inspiring photos.)

For this Wednesday, I want to discuss how we come about becoming what we are. Specifically, the influence of geographical location.

If you poke around in the archives, you can surmise that I live in a place that is cold and gets very snowy this time of year. This is where I was born, this is where I live. When I survey the land, I see others just like me. We rub our hands, cup them over our mouths and blow. We stomp our boots as we enter the building. We swear at the weather man.

The cars we drive are coated white with salt. It is too cold to wash them; the water would freeze to the doors, the locks, the underpinnings. I am ever so thankful though, I have heated leather seats. This makes life better in ways I cannot articulate.

Despite the inner warmth of buildings and homes, our bodies are still holding tight, cramped up, conserving energy. All of this cold leads to a largely interior life, staying in buildings, staying in houses, staying inside. Movement is limited. Life often follows suit.

I can't help but feel restless and wanting to seek out. Yet I am tethered to two tiny children. When I consider going, searching out, they will be coming with me. This is paramount as I work through the next step.

Here is family. Despite what they lack, they still have better than nothing. The unending needs of my tiny babies are insurmountable without the help of others. Family is a special type of others, filled with automatic care and attention. From the view of a child, being loved by all angles is what life is all about.

Yet how do I reconcile the need to explore, to feel and be changed by a different topography? To see mountains, to see oceans, to see life I've never known.

I am changed by my recent and ongoing actions. With the influx of foods near the form they were born, with the influx of bodily movement and recovery. I am changing despite my shelter bound life. There is so much to see, to feel, to know. I want my tiny kids to know more. I want them to live outside this boxed in state.

The thing is, what decisions any of us make, has consequences. The decisions I make have consequences to everything that is attached to me. This includes my practice, my kids and Mr. Hall. My husband and kids are part of this, even at the thinking stage.

Even just thinking these thoughts, letting them bubble to the surface, is dangerous.

After all, when I ask myself what I want, I will have to answer.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Drunk blogging about Lost and Cadavers

So cool this poster, no?

I worked out so much my body was kind of screaming in pain. Turns out, if you never lift weights and then you do 'circuit training' and do three sets of fifteen, turns out, your body will bite you back. I was in so much pain. I feel like my arms have been ripped off and the rest of me run over by a truck.

Until I had two rums and cokes. I am merely sore at this point.

So, watching the sci fi channel, enjoying time with Mr. Hall and having inebriated thoughts about cadavers and the show Lost. Both of which are on the sci-fi channel.

First, the cadavers

Thought spurred by alcohol #1:

(Saw a promo of the show "Ghost hunters". Apparently, it's a show where paranormal experts film their activities of hunting ghosts using night vision cameras. The promo was about the evidence they found of ghosts milling about in some house.)

(I say to Mr. Hall)- "Yeah, I don't get it. I mean, why is it so hard to believe that people leave their bodies and the energy is milling about the place. I mean, seriously. I have worked with cadavers, they are dead. There is nothing there. But that doesn't mean their energy is gone.

It would be kind of irritating though, if their energy was hovering over the tank. Getting irritated at all the students poking around in their dead body. WELL! to them I say-- YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SIGNED THE CONSENT FORM. The one that said, 'I want to donate my body to science.' "

Thought spurred by alcohol #2:

(An older episode of Lost comes on)

(Again, I say to Mr. Hall), "I think I need to temper my hatred of the characters on lost. I mean, well, maybe just lighten up a little. I think I just have a problem with their moral fiber."

OK so let's begin,

Jack Shepard: I totally understand what his deal is. Alcoholic, emotionally neglectful Dad. Fine. But, at this point the "DOCTOR" has to realize he has a problem with the booze and benzos. Which is fine. I have hope for even the worst addict. No moral judgments here.

IT'S THE FACT THAT HE STILL PRACTICES MEDICINE. Turn in your fucking license, Shepard. You are no longer in the service of others, you are only serving yourself.

Kate: Ok, so what have we learned Kate? We have learned that when you stepped off the plane, the rescue plane, THERE WAS NOONE FUCKING THERE FOR YOU. It is time to take stock. Time to develop the availability of emotions. Time to reach out. And don't start with Jack, ya'll are no good together. Like to emotional retards. Oh wait.

And I don't care what anyone says. The scenes with her and Aaron are flippant and she doesn't even begin to look like a mom. Maybe I am just jealous of how she looks in pencil skirts. What with the flat tummy. But, as God as my witness, I shall be there again. Oh yes. Oh yes.

Either way, if no one shows up for your homecoming after being lost on an Island forever, then fucking take stock and grow some friends.

Hurley: I have no beef with Hugo. I do have beef with the actor though. He seems reasonable enough. Except he is FOUR HUNDRED PLUS POUNDS. I am tired of this. I want health for him. For now, he is a jokey guy. Covering up pain.

although, that's CHEECH!!! his dad is CHEECH!!! And I loved the scene where Hugo told the truth to his Mom. No one can lie to their mom.

And because I am pooped and sort of passing out, I end with:

Sawyer: hmm. Still have hopes for him.

Wait, don't forget Linus: Psychopath, pathetic, no longer the chosen one and still smarting. He is more of a weasel really. A psychotic weasel, but a weasel nonetheless.

I guess, in the end, I can still root for Loc and Desmond. Maybe Sayid. As long as keeps his shirt off.

BUT DESMOND IS STILL PURE. But yet, not my favorite character.

Basically, the people from Lost suck for the basic reason. They are not geniune to who they are. They are all lying.
All subterfuge.

but, it is causing me to blog whilst I am under the influence. The show must be doing something right

And I've travelled this far with the Losties, no turning back now.


(o btw, the photos and the links were linked stone cold sober :)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

That's one way to learn

“I’ve never really learned anything new, I just didn’t recognize it the first time.”-
Tom Petty quoted in Esquire magazine

I was listening to one of three HARD ROCK stations around here and low and behold what do my ears here? The Offspring. Which snapped me back to a time, some four months before I met Mr. Hall. I was absolutely done dating anyone remotely like I had dated before.

However, I had never dated anyone unlike I had dated before, so I didn’t know what the heck I was looking for. Except for a guy with a car and a job. Who didn’t yell, do drugs or have a habit of sucking the life out of me. The car and job were not negotiable.

I remember this one guy, who I met at a political rally of some sort. I had just gotten back from my year abroad. He had his own organic garden. But, he also was an avid and responsible hunter. We talked about a recent episode of Jeopardy. I remember going to his house, with a small group, and having sushi. Ixnay on the hombre was playing in the background.

And if I would’ve known then, what I know now, I would’ve gone for it. I liked him. It was a sparkle like, not a full on passion like. But, like nonetheless. Seriously. Here was a man of great sensitivity, yet undeniable masculine energy. With a car and a job. Who was good looking and worked out. He was all pecs ahoy and such.

I just didn’t recognize it the first time. I didn’t recognize men of warmth and character who can bend steel bars. I did the second time though.

Enjoy the video, and here’s hoping you recognize something that has been there all along.

If that link doesn’t work anymore, try this:

No self-esteem

Friday, January 23, 2009

Five thanks for Friday

1. I am learning how to take a vacation from myself and my ingrained patterns of overthinking to the point of inaction. As a result, I am kicking some serious ass.

2. The love that grows between me and my husband. How easy and free it all is. How explosive the growth continues to be.

3. Heated leather seats in my car.

4. How my son's feet feel all fleshy as I knead them. "His feet are like play dough", says my daughter.

5. Having people comment on this blog, having encouragement sent from cyberspace and a place to pony up my progress.

Take care everyone!

Have a good weekend.

(BTW-There is a block on blogger from my home computer-so, if you comment know I receive it
and read it :) but can't respond until tuesday :) :) :)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Posting about shrinkage, most every Wednesday (this week is a bit goofy)

These posts are about my quest for health, they happen most Wednesdays. I am losing weight and gaining strength. All while sharing with you. Feel free to share back :)

I also write about The Biggest Loser on ABC. However, that program is two hours long. And really, that sort of thing must be recorded and viewed sans the commercials. It will be up prol'l on Thursday. I mean, COME ON, two hours?

So, let's begin:

Health Goals from last week:
I can never remember what my health goals were from last week for these posts.
I mean, seriously, I have two small kids, I am glad to remember my name half the time.

(hee hee)

Speaking of which, there is a woman at my work actually named Holly. She has an office near me. It is creepy because every time I hear her name I look to see if they are addressing me. Well, most of the time. Huh. Then I have to remember, oh yeah, that is just my blog name.

Still. Creepy. And I wonder about the blurred lines here. I think it is ok, I mean, as long as I don't start introducing myself as Holly Hall. When that happens, the blog will go away for a bit while the author recovers her senses.

OK-Back to health.

Part of all of this, actively attacking my health issues, requires me to cut through a lot of chatter in my head. Like most writers, I am an introspective and analytical type. And I am prone to anxiety. So, as I start to really implement change, I get scared and start my thinking in overdrive.

Which is a baseline pattern for me. It wasn't until I met Mr. Hall, that I noticed this. Well he noticed it and pointed it out to me. And because he is an engineer by nature, he introduced me to the concept of energy conservation. Of spending my energy wisely and being efficient. And a thousand violins began to play.

What this means is, is that I am scared shitless of getting up at 5 am, working out, doing the wee weight program the helpful staff designed for me, going home, showering, getting dressed, getting the kids ready, and getting to work by 8 am. Scared shitless.

And I work through the scenario in my head. It seems impossible to me right now. I am scared. And the chatter starts and I begin to think too much. This begins to drain my energy and motivation.


And breathe……

All that energy is best spent elsewhere. All that energy can go into chasing the kids, painting my toes, or massaging the husband. Blogging . . . .

And really, all the hyper thinking, analyzing and worrying…. It's just bullshit. Bullshit and noise to keep me from being healthy.

Bullshit that I can easily leap over. Which I will.

After all, those girly guns aren't going to build themselves.
It begins tomorrow people.
As God as my witness it shall begin!!!

Interview experiment: Question three

This photo will relate to an upcoming post. You'll see.

three: What can you tell us about the other two blogs that you contribute to? What percentage of your blogging time is devoted to each of your blogs?

Bonez is the first blog I contributed to. It is run by a very nice guy named Tony. It is sort a think tank blog. Very eclectic.

At first, I only contributed my weight loss journals. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Theme music)There is some serious stuff in those journals. They were written before I started this blog. So, I felt they didn't belong here. Here is a place of celebration and joy. So I sent them elsewhere.

I have contributed other pieces to that blog. But, now that my career has picked up, I can barely keep up with this blog. It is nice though, publishing somewhere else. It changes what you write. It is always good to grow.

Thems' private thoughts was a one time only guest post. It was a contest to write a holiday post. Thank you James for inviting me!



If you would like to be interviewed by me, and really, why wouldn't you?

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Interview experiment: Question Two

I have been interveiwed by Earl. Yeah Earl!

question two: You've only been on Blogger for about a year. What inspired you to start blogging?

I have of lot of involuntary creative energy. Specifically, it is a writer's energy. It is a driving force, this energy. A veritable pipeline. It is there every day, the buzzing words, the sentences writing themselves out in my head.

It has been part of me for as long as I can remember.When I was little, I loved to write stories and poems. Diving into big words, lounging in their sound before I could fasten a bra. I have had a few things published in local journal type publications. Mostly poems.

Oddly enough, I was never a journal keeper or a big reader. Except for autobiographies. I use to read about two a week of those. This is how I found the blogosphere.

I would have started a blog then, but I was busy. The energy was diverted by school/work/mom/wife tasks, but in June 2008, I graduated. This allowed my muse to be more insistent and mouthy. She insists I work out who I am and what I feel. Start telling my story. And I agree with her. Hence the birth of this blog.


Without the blogger, well, I'm not sure what I would be doing with all these words. :)


If you would like to be interviewed by me, and really, why wouldn't you?

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Warning: it may take a heck of a long time to send you five questions but dammit, as God as my witness, it will be done!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Weekly post about shrinkage

These posts are about losing weight and gaining strength.

I am bringing some friends along the way:

James and Pissy (so far).

Click on thier names to see their posts (They have fabulous blogs too btw). And afterwards, if you want to join the little health circle we got going here, just let me know in the comments.

Also, I will be discussing the Biggest Loser (couples addition) show.

Which is getting easier to watch.

And go!

Let's review:

A. Last week's health goals included drinking more water, getting more sleep and working on food, I think.

1. I did buy one of those big plastic jugs of filtered water for my office. Cost of $2.42 at the supermarket. I can now turn my chair around and fill my mug with water any time. I am up to two mugs a day. Which is a slight improvement over none. I also started to bring 3 pieces of fruit and raisins to work. These are tasty and sweet.

2. The sleep is a bit of an issue. I have no internal control or discipline for my sleep hygiene. But, I moved my work schedule around to force me to getup at 6.30 am. All of the sudden goofing off until 1.00 am is not possible without yawning in front of patients. So, dang, it feels good being tired at night versus butt exhausted. External controls on behavior work. Really, they work well.

3. I also took charge of food. I have been thinking and tasting different foods in my mind. Breaking dishes down to the basic elements and chasing what tickles my fancy. I bought a Weight Watchers cookbook for 1 dollar at goodwill, choose four recipes and went shopping. This way, I don't have to fight with my parent's effing scalloped ham potatoes and beefy meatloaf. They make this every Tuesday.


I haven't been fighting it because I have been too exhausted. I don't even like how it tastes. The scalloped potatoes are from a box people. This is the crap I was raised on. So, tonight we made delicious stuffed peppers. And it sooo yummy. I felt full and not burpy and disgusting afterward. This is healing people, can you feel it?

B. Biggest Loser couples edition: the contestants were separated from their parteners last week, as their partners were sent home to see if weight loss can be achieved at home.

"The hardest part about doing this at home is that there is no accountability; no
one is going to do this for me."

"Life is hard, but our marriage makes everything easier."

"I don't like a lot of healthy food, I guess I am just going to have to work harder to find stuff to eat. "

the producers did this temptation thing with cash, saying to the contestants, " drop out and you will get 5 thousand, 10 thousand, 25 thousand dollars" and NOONE took it.

"I can get stronger here every day."

"When you start to feel that fear, welcome it, put your hands up and welcome it! "

"Let's be honest, I am the best, I am absolutely the fucking best." (this was one of the trainers, Jillian, she's kind of a bitch. She has an awesome set of girly guns though)

And the absolute best line of the show:

"This is my life now

And I'm taking it back."

Said by Tara

(click here for the profile)

Goals for next week:
Keep drinking the water
Do some sort of work out twice a week
Breathe, breathe, breathe
Start my day with some basic yoga stretches

And embrace the uncomfortable, the fear, the struggle.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Interview experiment: Question one

I have been interviewed by Mr. Bug Eyed Earl. (yeah Earl!)


question one: How ya handling the winter so far in "Not Hawaii"?

It sucks ass.


Question two tomorrow :)


If you would like to be interviewed by me, and really, why wouldn't you?

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Warning: it may take a heck of a long time to send you five questions but dammit, as God as my witness, it will be done!!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Word Association: Dream

Ironically I have not seen this film

There is a lot of unseen work going on in the brain. I believe it can be divided, this work. There is the work of satisfying your primal needs like water, food and safety. The high end work involves things like your taxes, driving or making a delicious Ruben sandwich. But, the workers can often be in conflict. Union issues I suppose. The old adage about management versus the little guy. It doesn't help that they don't talk to each other most of the time. Most of the time, they aren't speaking the same language.

This is what dreams are for.

A perfect example was my dream last night about Mr. Michael Moore. This was weird. I don't know him and haven't viewed much of his work. He is more of an idea to me. I see him as a man of righteousness, fighting a good fight. I do question his logic and zealousness from time to time. But, in general, I find him to be a good egg. I root for him.

In my dream, I was reading about Mr. Moore and his nifty new device that was attached to his back. It was a machine to aid with his health problems. It was a big black square deal, hanging from his body. Think Atari, but bigger and flatter, about the size of a pizza box.

Later in the dream, I was meeting with Mr. Moore in my capacity as a health care provider. Now, in real life, I have recently transitioned from registered nurse (working in the general medical field) to psychiatric nurse practitioner (working in the very specific mental health field). So, it felt odd seeing him. He was there to have a recheck on his machine and it's functioning. A general medical concern. I don't do this anymore. Yet there he was.

Lo and behold, the machine really was an Atari console. He used the controller to augment pain control and function in his leg. The pain was caused by a prior back injury and exacerbated by his morbid obesity. In real life, in my (former) general nursing practice, this sort of story is common. As common as the common cold.

But this machine, it was working wonders! He gained more control over his pain and his life. He was teary eyed and thankful. I was infused with happy and hope for him. He leaned in to hug me.

Now, in real life, patients will sometimes approach for a hug, out of gratitude. I have hugged back a few times. Mostly though, I do not hug. I have solid boundaries for a reason. But, it's a judgment call really.

But I really hugged Mr. Moore. Leaned my head on his shoulder and even cried a little. I was happy he had made some sort of progress with his health issues.

And this is conflict in the head of a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner.

The fact of the matter is, is that his device is not helping his real pain. He is still morbidly obese, still in huge amounts of denial, still unready to even begin to look at how he got here and what will help him. Still unwilling to tolerate with his own emotions.

Thus, if he puts that much faith in a machine, he is losing the battle of becoming healthy. I cried because it was bittersweet, this visit with Mr. Moore. He is better, but not really. Funny that I now prescribe machines for people, well, not machines, medications. Funny. Funny indeed.

This dream was about helping him, but not the way I wanted to. Again, this is not my role anymore, to do general medical nursing. Which is a huge relief for me. I really had no passion left for that work. Beyond serving others I mean. That I still have passion for. And in mental health, I finally get a chance to call attention to what is really happening with them. To call a spade a spade.

And I can help them chip away at their problems. To defeat the unseen forces, to aid in true recovery. But, maybe I was just burnt out as a general medical nurse. Or maybe I just dealt with a population, that never had a chance at achieving recovery. I only saw the sickest of the sickest, the court ordered treatment types. This is not the population I work with now. Well, I do get a few here and there, there is variance now.

So, that being said, why this dream, why now?

Well, it appears that the conflict still is there. The primal brain still insisting that I help and change what cannot be affected. This would make me feel safer. But the higher ups realize that even with the change in my practice, I still can only do so much. Even with the fancy machines, I mean, medications, I can only do so much.

Damn management-don't they ever listen to the little guy?

And me, the waking me, realizing I am still fighting a conflict. Still fighting how to best help people, to effect change.

My patients still put so much faith in medication. And I do my best to educate them that it is one part of the solution. That medications can only do so much of the heavy lifting. Yet there it is.

AND there's the conflict, right there! I hope it will lessen over time.

Geez, it's all such a web up there. :)


Word associated by: Pissy
Her website (which is very, very entertaining and dreamlike):
Feel free to leave your own word in the comments, I'll whip a post based on that word
Go on now, you can do it!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Posting about shrinkage, most every wednesday

Ok, so.
On Wednesdays, I am will post about my current pro-active activities regarding my health.

Or, what can be called...

My quest for shrinkage.

Or, losing some wieght and gaining some strength.

I will also discuss the tv show "The biggest loser."
I am bringing some friends in on this, Pissy, Michelle K, and James. (And when you or you do do a post on this, lemme know and I will link to it).

I watched the premerie last night. I watched it with my mom. Let me repeat that, I watched it with my mom. This was an activity frought with contention. But, there we were, watching the biggest loser.

For those unfamiliar, The Biggest Loser is a show on NBC that has about 14 couples that compete in a weight loss competition. These are very large people, ranging from 250-500 lbs. At first, from the looks of it, all of the people were very excited to be part of the program. The first hour was about learning where they would be living-a sequestered house. They learned what they would be doing-working out 8-12 hours a day under supervision of medical staff and two trainers. They also learned the physical consequences of being some 300 lbs+.

Which, as a nurse, I have seen before. When I worked as a pediatric nurse, I saw kids that needed a large, adult size blood pressure cuff. I saw nine year olds being diagnosed with diabetes type II. Big, big kids, sitting next to their big, big Moms and big, big Dads.

Later, I saw 25 year olds on 12 different types of pills. One or two or three--for each diagnosis The diagnoses being diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholestrol, heart problems. It all sucked. Seeing this. As a nurse you care about your patients. And when your patients are on that many pills, and they are maxing out the dosage, there is not much else you can do. Change needs to happen for these people. But, the sad fact is, change only happens from within. Which means you can't make it happen for the people you care about.

People like my mom and dad. Both are big and on many, many pills. Both hate for me to bring it up. I use to hate them for it. Part of me just doesn't care anymore. I think I have come to the conclusion that I cannot affect change in them. This is the reality here folks.


Children often learn how to think and do by what their parent think and do. You can inherit thinking and behavioral patterns without even knowing it. And so, about two years ago, I found myself to be very big. I needed help. I went to counseling, joined weight watchers, persued yoga and dammit it was hard. Very hard emtionally. But I came through healthier then I have ever been. It is through struggle that we learn the most no?

Yet, the underlying, unseen mechinisms at work--are still working. They are especially active now that I am back in the milleu of ill health. Overeating and being defensive is the norm at my parent's house. My challenge is not to be triggered by such patterns. Triggered into repeating them I mean. And I was recently losing this challenge.

So, let me stop all the psycho-blather and usage of big words and get down to the nitty gritty.

Goals for next week/how I will meet them:

1. Get more effing sleep. This will be accomplished by blocking out blogger and all the blogs I love from my home computer. I blog after the kids go to bed. It is intellecutally stimulating. I get all keyed up and stay up too long. This sucks, but it for the greater good.

2. Drink more effing water. I will bring a big jug of the filtered stuff from the grocery store and drink away.

3. Watch my eating late at night. This is the time when I seek out foods and relaxation. I will drink warm yummy tea. Perhaps a yummy apple.

There you have it folks, one post down, a life time to go.

Go forth and sin no more!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Bands I've had to break up with: Hole

And the sky was made of amethyst
And all the stars were just like little fish
You should learn when to go
You should learn how to say no

Forget what you know about the blonde in the middle there. She has had a rough go of it. What with a herion addiction, a husband who committed suicide (also an addict), and a mom who wrote a tell all book, bashing her daughter.

The band is called Hole, the blonde is Courtney Love

When they get what they want
They never want it again
When they get what they want
They never want it again

There is lots and lots of pain on their album, "Live Through This". Lots of rage too. When I was recovering from being hit by a car (when I was crossing the street) and recovering from the wee coma, I listened to this album. Like 12 million times.

Go on take everything
Take everything
I want you to
Go on take everything
Take everything
I want you to

I really was empty at that point. It was at the tail end of my year abroad. After the accident, my skull had seven cracks in it, wait, they were call fractures. My spirit fell out. I would soak the sheets at night, from night sweats. I would have these flashbacks. Not of the accident though. I remember nothing of the accident or the coma. I was about 20 years old. The accident happened on a January 5th.

And the sky was all violet
The more it gets violet more violence

The violence lived inside me. Making most everything a mess. I remember walking around, late late at night. Smoking Camels. Listening to the bones in my skull clicking. Clicking as they were knitting themselves back together. I had broken the guy's entire windshield, with my head. Click, click, drag exhale, click click, drag exhale. I was in a bad way.

And I'm the one with no soul
One above and one below

The album was very good. I played it really really loud on my bookshelf stereo. One morning, the speakers didn't play music, they just sort of hummed with a feedback type noise. I think I blew out the speakers. Well, no matter, I got a new pair the next day.

Might last a day
Mine is forever
Might last a day
Mine is forever

Basically, I used this album to let the rage breathe inside me. I didn't know it then, but after a signficant head injury, a person can experience a major personality change. I certainly did. I became very angry, I swore a lot. And I was in a lot of emotional pain. It triggered all sorts of buried trauma not related to the actual accident. I shut myself off from all sorts of people. Unplugged from the world and just spit nails in my free time.

Go on take everything
Take everything
I dare you to

It took awhile to get back to balance. I literally had to rebuild my ability to trust and to love. To stop scanning people's words for hidden agendas, to stop automatically thinking they were working an angle. To stop hating people.

I told you from the start
Just how this would end
When I get what I want
When I never want it again

And I did. I still struggle sometimes. I still hold back and push away. And the anger is well, still arousable. But I can love and trust. Freely and completely on good days. And the good days outnumber the bad. And on the bad, I can make them good. And be FREE OF THIS, this energy behind this song.

But, in the end, I had to break up with Hole's music and Courtney Love. Seriously, after this, it all went south for her and the band. Currently, she makes the news for displaying various stages of recovery from her herion addiction. But, her music never got much better. But I did.

So, what music did you really really love, but then had to break up with?

And why?

Just a note few things about this video:

1. It is a lot of images, some of which are not gentle
2. There is some burlesque, not performed all that well.
3. Seriously, what the hell, this is what use to drive me?
4. I have only seen the video, for the first time, yesterday.

5. If watch the video without the sound, you can still get the point I am making here.

Hole - Violet
Uploaded by

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Breaking open the female mind: Weight edition

A conversation occurred between me and my mom the other day. The subject was a family member. My cousin has been living with the same girl, Marla, for about six years. I see her sometimes, at family gatherings. I like this girl. I want her to be married into the family.

Marla is the only one with artistic sensibilities in our family. Besides me. I like her. A lot.

But, considering that her dog moved into my cousin's house before she did, I doubt he is going to marry her. Which makes me sad. What makes me sadder is her weight. Like me, Marla has struggled. We have both been through weight watchers. We shared this with each other. It is an act of trust, sharing this with another woman. Very, very scary. It is opening up venerable spots and saying, here, take a look.

I have maintained the thirty five pound weight loss. She, on the other had, has exploded.

I was discussing this with my mom. How sad I feel, how powerless. I want her to be with me, now that we live in the same town. I want her to start again, on the road of being healthy. And I am powerless to help her.
This is where my mom jumps in:

"I don't know WHY you feel sorry for HER! She has a great job, she is really good person. She is a really NICE GIRL! Why do you think she NEEDS HELP?!! SHE'S A GOOD PERSON, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT SHE IS UNHAPPY? She looks happy, she obviously is!"

Discussing weight issues with my big mom is well, pointing out the elephant in the room. This defense of Marla's character is an attempt at redirection from the real issue. The real issue is how big she is. The fact of the matter is, there is shame there. This is what women feel.

I can tell you right now, no woman is happy underneath a heavy weight. Especially this woman. I hadn't seen how far she had exploded, how much weight she had gained. And when I saw her, she didn't make eye contact. Talked very fast and left the room and then the house. She hunched, she blustered. I felt bad for her. We both felt this uncomfortable energy. Yuck.

There is nothing worse than having another woman feel sorry for you because you are chubby. It is demeaning in a way.

But, I felt bad for her. Not sorry for her. I did not pity her. She has been through weight watchers. She has seen the light. She just needs to find it again. And this will only happen when she is ready, when she wants to. Until then, I see her pain on display and I feel bad.
All of this relates to what this post is really about.


I feel myself falling of the wagon. I am eating too much, my belly is gr owing, I feel down and sluggish. And even though I am still 35 pounds lighter, I need to attack a second level here.

Reinforcing the healthy house of Hall. Building up what is standing but shaky.

With that being said, here are the stats:

Mrs. Hall

Height 5'5"

Weight 139.2

BMI: 23.9
Percentage body fat: 25%

I will blog each week, on Wednesdays,about what is going on in this area of my life.

Should be a good read.

And for the love of God. Leave comments. Supportive wonderful comments.

It scares me, this stuff. Scares me a lot.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Yeah, I got nothing but the Pigeon

FYI: This post will be up a while while I gather the information from below.
In the meantime, if you have already read this, look around, there is bound to be something of interest.

Yesterday, I started a brand new Yoga class in this tiny two horse town.

This pose is called "Eka Pada Kapotasana"

Or "Pigeon Crescent"

The pigeon part is the front leg, the Crescent (think moon) is the back leg I think.
Either way, I did this for the first time, during the first class.
Never tried this pose before, but I nailed it!
Yeah, I'm a bad ass yogi !

I now have every other Tuesday off. And every weekend and most holidays.

This will make up for the seven years I spent as a nurse, doing every other

weekend. Every other holiday. Night shift, day shift and pm shift rotations. And


So, I went to the salon. The girl kept asking me, "When was the last time you had your hair colored?" and "When was the last time you had your eyebrows waxed?" and "When was the last time you . . . "

I couldn't remember when. Was it in October? Jesus, who the hell knows?

The self neglect of a Mom can turn into a bottomless pit if you are not vigilant about keeping it not so.

An so, what should have been an hour appointment lasted almost two. She didn't dye it my normal auburn, but a deeper shade of red brown. Some might call it black. Well, most would call it black with subtle red highlights. The last people would be right. And she cut my bangs too short.

Which is fine really. I kind of look like Betty Page. Really, it is quite striking. And what can I say about the eyebrows? GAWD she did such a good job! Really looks sultry. Whew! :)

But, all of this prattling on and on means I have nothing to write about. After such a emotional post (such as yesterday) I run dry. And my life is evening out. Which is good. I am kinda tired of laying my emotions everyday. I want to write about something new.


Let's play word association. Ya'll leave one (or two) word in the comments. I will whip up a post.

Words suggested thus far:
Slide (well, that one was me, but still)


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