I can't help but feel sheepish here.
Here, in this post, I am stepping back and thinking about things. Specifically thinking about the girl. I don't often veer into Mommy Blog territory. There are a lot of Mommy Blogs out there. Most of which are fun to read, and some are very well written. I don't want to write about my kids. Not here anyway. Here is for me. Me beyond a Mom.
Which is not entirely true. If you click on the label Pancake, 95% of the entire archive will come up. If you are a Mom, you are no longer separate. The same for goes for being a wife and a nurse.
So, I wonder. Will she ever read this? What if my daughter decides to poke around and read some of the things written here. I am hyper aware of this. Even though she is only six. And she can only read a little.
But, I am hyper aware of my responsibility to her no matter what I do. Even if it is blogging. Even if she never reads a word, she still hears what I write. And I want her to here my love.
What I fear most is for her to read the sad and icky parts. The parts where I call her grandparents out for not being so nice. Or call out her Grandad for being a bit of a selfish jerk. Or call out her Grandma for being, well, not being the mom I want. I don't say these things out loud to her. She loves these people. And I nurture this. It would hurt her to hear these things. But yet I write them here. And when she is old enough, I will let her read these posts. And not censor her view of my blog. The key is 'old enough'.
Old enough is a process really. It is more a matter of emotional maturity. Which I am teaching her. I mean, I am honest with my feelings and I am teaching her to be honest about hers. She is, in turn, teaching the cat this skill. When we moved the cat into the house this weekend, he was all spooked. Pancake made it a point to tell the cat, "I know your scared, it's ok to be scared, we love though, and we are here for you." She gently pet the cat as she did this. Again, sometimes she is so wonderful, my heart actually aches.
BUT enough stalling.
Pancake my love-
Someday, I will post things here that um, I didn't even tell your Dad until we had been married for five years. I may not be direct, but there is a lot of pain and complexity to Mommy. Being complex is Mommy's Achilles Heel. I use to be wrapped up in a lot of pain and selfishness. I've struggled. It has been ugly at times. But it's ok. It is through struggle that we learn and grow.
And I wouldn't be the Mommy I am to you and Mac without the trails and tribulations.
Mark my words dear love, your Mommy is getting simpler every day . . . .
The Character Builder's Bible
4 months ago