I am not sure how Jeff figured it out, but he did. After all, he is quite handsome and gainfully employed. Plus, he is very charming and self assured. And so nice. He had his pick of thousand girls. Yet, he choose me with singular purpose. He figured out who I was before I did.
When he met me, I wore my hair like Bjork, was about 165 pounds and required a lot of care. Let me tell you the level of care I once required. Lord help me, here goes.
When we were dating I would visit his house on the weekend. I would bring my dishes. My dishes people.
So he could put them in his dishwasher.
Despite the fact that I had a communal kitchen across from my dorm room.
It boggles the mind, this event. It boggles my mind because it made perfect sense to me at the time. And he saw this, that it made sense to me. And he didn't run for the hills. He saw that I was capable of much more than I was. And for the most part, he didn't say much about who I was or how I operated. Well, except for the hair.
Babe, he said, the tail pipes gotta go, they are not attractive.
He also suggested there just might be a better way to eat. Exercise might be something I could do once in a while. He was gentle about it. Never pushy, never mean. Just gentle suggestions once in a while. Suggestions that we could be different, we didn't have to get fat like everyone else in this state. And I fought it like a cat trapped in a cardboard box.
But, that was ten years ago. My overall healthiness has waxed and waned. I have better getting better all along, with a few set backs here and there. A few weeks ago, I figured out what has been holding me back from permanent change.
My thinking. My inner voice. My own talk.
Again, I can over think things to the point where I can't move. Paralyzed by my own voice.
So, on Sunday, I learned how to shut the hell up.
When I had the chance I bolted for the gym. I worked it like no other. All that yoga has prepped me for pushing beyond my comfort zone. I was prepared to ignore and extinguish the tiny doubting voices, the murmurs of self consciousness and the blathering on of freight.
I can honestly say, don't believe everything you think or feel.
The tailpipes, I must agree, were not attractive :)
Monday, February 9, 2009
Ironically enough, I am not a big fan of Bjork. Well, maybe I haven't heard the right music.
Me and the wee pancake :)