Silver Linings Playbook just about destroyed me

Whiskey and sadness is no good. It makes the ground ripe for tear spillage. Such was the case when my whiskey soaked self watched Silver Lining Playbook.

It's a story of a crazy man who moves from an asylum to his parent's house. His brand of crazy is  bipolar. He vibrates with obsessive energies. He learned to control them to a certain degree. Running helps. Not acting crazy helps. On a run,  he picks up a girl. Not entirely welcomed though (see illustration above).

This is where the movie starts to destroy me. The girl is a lot like what I use to be. I did not expect that.

She chases him in search of comfort and companionship. She's nuts and people treat her that way. All arms length. Her nuts is a bit more balanced than his. Hers is a bit more cohesive and didn't require inpatient stays. But, we all have needs and hers is to be loved.

He finally starts to hang out with her because she can do him a favor. He's obsessed with contacting his wife. With restraining orders in place,  he's disparate. She knows his wife. This creates a need for him to know her. Without this piece, he would probably tell her to eff off completely and the book would be done.

It's about leverage. Girl has been leveraging what she has to get what she wants because when folks keep their distance, you need a way to bring them closer. When it comes to men, this girl puts out. Pretty much to everyone because that is a way of getting love. Losers come out in droves for this.

With my ground thoroughly watered by whiskey, I started to sob. I remember phone calls and letters of men wanting to meet me...all because they thought they could get lucky. They were mostly right. I was less than 16 at the time.

It's so sad thinking about this. Even a week later and stone cold sober.

Mr. Hall asked me how? Why? What can we do so this doesn't happen to our daughter?

I can say I had no center and was lonely. I was scared and introverted. I had a lot of unsupervised MTV time which, looking back, had a lot of soft coreness about it. Never underestimate the influence of what you surround yourself with. I didn't have a mom or dad who were particularly plugged into my life. They didn't read my poetry or understand why I shaved my head. But I don't blame them. We all did the best we could at the time.

A hundred partners and many years later I stopped reaching out by putting out. But all of this caused some damage A few years into my marriage I started to unravel things through therapy, yoga and weightwatchers. Yoga was especially helpful.

I think about what healed me. I can say love very much healed me. Love from God, love from forgiveness. Love from Mr. Hall.

It's a crazy world ya'll. Love pretty much heals every wound I've ever had.

Exchanging emails on the crazy

This email exchange took place recently between me and my husband.



jeff(mr. hall)-

I am not sure if my parent's are coming up this weekend. They kind of freaked out after their initial offer of help. Well, my mom freaked out. She said she doesn't know if she wants to go, she promised her friends she would go to breakfast after all.

She also said she and my dad are not getting along well. This is true. They are really kind of fighting in that passive aggressive ugly way. My Dad's natural tendencies of assholery are becoming unbridled. And when I am not there they have no control of Pancake and her antagonism of my Dad. She likes to poke at him, get physical. This upsets my Dad who does what he always does, yell and get loud.

Which I mean, we both know what is going on there. They have no control over her for a reason. They spoil her and don't enforce any rules. And she is a child.

But, despite this, I am fighting the urge to sort of blame myself for the ill feelings and communications between my parents. I mean, I do stir things up and I am starting to temper some of this. But, when I am hurting, like I was the last couple of days, I really just withdraw from them. I take me and the kids in another room. Take care of me and mine.

This has not let my mom feel supported. She sits alone with the HGTV and my dad swears downstairs.

And I thought we all had a breakthrough yesterday, when I started crying, asking for their help with packing up the house this weekend. And they did offer. But, it was short lived.

Basically, after I started the kid's bath, my mom was kind of crying on the couch. My Dad was down stairs. She was saying, "I don't want to go, your dad and I are not getting along." And she started crying harder and said, "I just can't take this anymore, between your Dad and Pancake and you guys living here." And I left the room. I just don't have the energy for that kind of thing.

I did approach her later, and basically said it's ok if they don't come, you and I will be ok. That I didn't mean to start a big drama by asking for their help.

She said I didn't start anything by asking. That helped. But, as is her usual, she didn't want to talk about it. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! I am sure when I get home tonight it will be just fine, she'll be all happy and chipper, like nothing happened. I am glad I am not the only to see these goddamn moodswings. I am glad you see them too.

Which is fine really. I mean, I feel fine. I let out some hurt and sadness. They listened. And they continue to fail miserably at what I need. But they listened and gave me a bit of sympathy.

And that is all I needed cause DAMN!! I feel sooo much better today.

I feel energized and ok with the looseness of all of this. I mean, there is no list, no time line. Progress is slow and sputtering. But, it's happening. Bit by bit it will get done.

I love you and am so glad you are my husband.

Yay us!!!

:)


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to which he responded
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L- I was all like ugg when you mentioned bringing both parents anyways. Diminishing returns et al. You just come down with the kids. We’ll get some stuff done while they play. Kid’s museum. Family time away from your parents. I’m only going to work tue-thu now generally. Bring minivan without third seat so we can pack it up for return trip. Things will be fine babe. We just need to keep clear heads above the chaos. It’s not so bad really. Just hard when we are drained of energy to start. LU and you’re the best.

. . . . . and that's is why I am married to mr. hall . . . . .

Good Sunday Morning to you!

I set my alarm a little early to wake before the kiddies. Had my waffles and coffee before they woke up.

Poor Mac, he has to deal with girl hand me downs.

At eight oclock am, Pancake and Mac came wobbling out of their room. All messy hair and rubbing eyes. "Tired", Mac said plainly and then plopped on the couch next to me.

Pancake launched into this diatribe,

"I dreamed it was night and I went to gymnastics and then I wanted to go to the basketball class and when I was in basketball class they wanted to do swimming moves and I changed my mind and wanted to go back to gymnastics and said I would come back when I was done."

She took a breathe and did some more eye rubbing and snuggling on the couch. Adjusting the blankets around the three of us. "Then Mac started to spin around in the room like TEN TIMES and got in my bed and sat on my head. It was morning then."

I flipped on Spongebob and breathed in the little kid fragrance. A few minutes went by.

"Can I have some waffles please?" says the Pancake.

"WAAAFFFLLESS!!!!"

yelps Mac, who in one solid motion jumps from the couch and heads towards the kitchen.

"Sure little people of my life, It'll be right up, you want strawberry or blueberry?"

It's gonna be a good day every one :)

Happy Sunday :)

Five thanks for Friday

1. I am learning how to take a vacation from myself and my ingrained patterns of overthinking to the point of inaction. As a result, I am kicking some serious ass.

2. The love that grows between me and my husband. How easy and free it all is. How explosive the growth continues to be.

3. Heated leather seats in my car.

4. How my son's feet feel all fleshy as I knead them. "His feet are like play dough", says my daughter.

5. Having people comment on this blog, having encouragement sent from cyberspace and a place to pony up my progress.

Take care everyone!

Have a good weekend.

(BTW-There is a block on blogger from my home computer-so, if you comment know I receive it
and read it :) but can't respond until tuesday :) :) :)

Sex and marriage: observations on the male drive

As I weave my sexuality back together, I can't help but envy Mr. Hall. Or men in general. Apparently, all it takes to become aroused is consciousness. And if they are near the one who reciprocates the love, then it is unbridled, this arousal. This is especially true for Mr. Hall.

There was an incident, about six years ago, when I was about four months preggos. Chubby, but not obviously pregnant. Pregnancy induced horrible cystic acne. Short boy hair cut (don't ask). Still throwing up. Mr. Hall and I had spent the day at a water park. Me being chubby, horrible cystic acne and short boy hair cut. I felt fugly. And when we got home, he began chasing me around. What the hell?, I thought. Can't you see me? What has gotten into you? And he said, "I've been staring at you all day, I just couldn't wait to get home."

That is when I realized---my husband has permanent love goggles on.

Some five years and two kids later, it remains much the same. Saturday was a day of filling sippy cups, braiding hair, mowing lawns, laundry, blah blah blah domestic bliss blah blah. And we fall into bed. And the chasing begins in earnest. What the heck? I think. And I ask, "What was so arousing today? Was it something I wore? " I mean, I do look good these days, what with the 35 lb weight loss. ABut no, none of this was the ticket. Although it does help, he said.

"It was just being around you, sorry it's not more complicated", he said smiling.

My husband is awesome. I need to follow this lead. To be aware of how much he is to me and all the places he excites me. Letting the love flow around me at all times. Not just when I let it. Hee hee.