Monday, January 5, 2009

Bands I've had to break up with: Hole

And the sky was made of amethyst
And all the stars were just like little fish
You should learn when to go
You should learn how to say no

Forget what you know about the blonde in the middle there. She has had a rough go of it. What with a herion addiction, a husband who committed suicide (also an addict), and a mom who wrote a tell all book, bashing her daughter.

The band is called Hole, the blonde is Courtney Love

When they get what they want
They never want it again
When they get what they want
They never want it again

There is lots and lots of pain on their album, "Live Through This". Lots of rage too. When I was recovering from being hit by a car (when I was crossing the street) and recovering from the wee coma, I listened to this album. Like 12 million times.

Go on take everything
Take everything
I want you to
Go on take everything
Take everything
I want you to

I really was empty at that point. It was at the tail end of my year abroad. After the accident, my skull had seven cracks in it, wait, they were call fractures. My spirit fell out. I would soak the sheets at night, from night sweats. I would have these flashbacks. Not of the accident though. I remember nothing of the accident or the coma. I was about 20 years old. The accident happened on a January 5th.

And the sky was all violet
The more it gets violet more violence

The violence lived inside me. Making most everything a mess. I remember walking around, late late at night. Smoking Camels. Listening to the bones in my skull clicking. Clicking as they were knitting themselves back together. I had broken the guy's entire windshield, with my head. Click, click, drag exhale, click click, drag exhale. I was in a bad way.

And I'm the one with no soul
One above and one below

The album was very good. I played it really really loud on my bookshelf stereo. One morning, the speakers didn't play music, they just sort of hummed with a feedback type noise. I think I blew out the speakers. Well, no matter, I got a new pair the next day.

Might last a day
Mine is forever
Might last a day
Mine is forever

Basically, I used this album to let the rage breathe inside me. I didn't know it then, but after a signficant head injury, a person can experience a major personality change. I certainly did. I became very angry, I swore a lot. And I was in a lot of emotional pain. It triggered all sorts of buried trauma not related to the actual accident. I shut myself off from all sorts of people. Unplugged from the world and just spit nails in my free time.

Go on take everything
Take everything
I dare you to

It took awhile to get back to balance. I literally had to rebuild my ability to trust and to love. To stop scanning people's words for hidden agendas, to stop automatically thinking they were working an angle. To stop hating people.

I told you from the start
Just how this would end
When I get what I want
When I never want it again

And I did. I still struggle sometimes. I still hold back and push away. And the anger is well, still arousable. But I can love and trust. Freely and completely on good days. And the good days outnumber the bad. And on the bad, I can make them good. And be FREE OF THIS, this energy behind this song.

But, in the end, I had to break up with Hole's music and Courtney Love. Seriously, after this, it all went south for her and the band. Currently, she makes the news for displaying various stages of recovery from her herion addiction. But, her music never got much better. But I did.

So, what music did you really really love, but then had to break up with?

And why?

Just a note few things about this video:

1. It is a lot of images, some of which are not gentle
2. There is some burlesque, not performed all that well.
3. Seriously, what the hell, this is what use to drive me?
4. I have only seen the video, for the first time, yesterday.

5. If watch the video without the sound, you can still get the point I am making here.

Hole - Violet
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Verdant Earl said...

Great. Post.

I was a huge fan of that album and that song as well. 12 million listens sounds about right. It was the perfect album for the time it came out. I've moved on as well. I still enjoy some of the songs (especially Violet) when I hear them. But I don't actively seek them out. And she is such a fucking mess right now that it makes me sad.

I've never had cause to "break up" with a band in my life. I've also never gone through the trauma of a severe head injury. So I can't relate on that level.

But I have dropped some bands/artists after getting what I wanted from them and not wanting more. L7 (around the same time as Hole), PJ Harvey, Sonic Youth (although I can listen to their albums through the 80's over and over again still), Pearl Jam, etc...

I just got so tired of everyone trying to sound like everyone else. So I regressed and started re-listening to classic stuff. The Band, The Who, Bob Dylan, Neil Young, etc...

Now I dig just about everything. New, old...doesn't matter. Everything is in much smaller doses though as my life doesn't revolve around music as much anymore.

PS - ever give Sleater-Kinney a listen to?

Mrs. Hall said...

Earl: Why thank you Earl. I did work hard on this one. Tweaking the words, figuring out the rythms.

It is hard to find truly original music. There a lot of bands that sound the same. Sometimes it is matter of right time, right place. But, sometimes the artist gets stuck in their own voice. And then it becomes route. hmm...

I have dabbled in L7. And bikini kill and other riot grrl bands. I know that Sleater-Kinney was of that lot. I never sought them out.

A lot of music, during that time, tended to be unformed and raw. Much like the listener at the time, the listener being me. Hence the appeal.

I can say this though, Sonic Youth and the Pixies will always be tied to one of my favorite and nicest of all my ex boyfriends. They have a special place in my heart.


James said...

Thank God you made it! That's all I can say right now.

I don't seem to have the musical connections in my brain that you and some other people have. I wish I did. But I am basically non musical.

Bruce Johnson said...

What have I given up....probably Led Zepplin, for some of the same reasons. I still love the songs they did, but they were from that angst, angry period in my life when volume and base lines had more to do with my outlook on life. I rarely listen to them anymore and now it is with nostalgia.

On the other side of the coin, in follow up to the post I recently did on the Beatles Anthology, there are some songs that I want to get back in touch with with. Songs of love and joy and redemtption and sorrow. Songs about the good things, both happy and sad.

Verdant Earl said...

Sleater-Kinney, I found, was more real and authentic then the somewhat faux aggression of the riot grrl movement that some bands had. They even made fun of their "riot grrl" tag in some songs (#1 Must Have).

"Dig Me Out", "All Hands on the Bad One" and "One Beat" are three of my all-time favorite albums. Especially "All Hands on the Bad One" which ranks up there with The Who's "Quadrophenia" and Neil Young's "After the Gold Rush" in my opinion. And their other 4 albums are pretty special too. Too bad they are no longer making music.

It's amazing to me what they did with two guitars and a set of drums. No bass guitar, no organ, nothing. Just "Words and Guitar" (another great song). And

If you ever get the urge, give the grrls a try. Along with The Who, The Pretenders, The Pixies and Sonic Youth, Sleater-Kinney has always been in the conversation when it comes to my favorite band.

Heff said...

Coutney had Kurt killed. That is all.

Slyde said...

i have a kind of a soft spot for Ms Love (and for Mrs Hall, but thats a different story).

Yes, she's a mess, but underneath all her crap and baggage, i think that she is a great songwriter. i loved this album, and still love it today.

Mrs. Hall said...

James: Yes, I look back on it and I can't believe I made it. Funny how things are so simple when you are younger.

But I don't believe you are non musical. Some music must spark something in you somewhere. :)

Bruce: Yes, bass lines and volume can do wonders for a person at the right time in their life. But, sometimes it is time to move on.

I haven't read your post on the beatles (yet), but from what I know of their music (a little), it is amazing stuff.

Heff: I KNEW someone was going to make the comment!! ;)

Slyde: It's true, I still carry a bit of a soft spot for Ms. Love. I hope she does recover to a coherent state. Someday I hope.

Earl: You are a veritable encyclopedia there, whew! You'll have to a post of your own, explaining all about it!

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