i need a frickin hobby

Having been through two miscarriages, I know what to do if it happens again. Miscarriages are trauma. A specific trauma that involves the loss of one's baby. It's a rough, horrible recovery and then, with prayer and love, I can be healed.

These days I find myself pregnant again. Things are moving along predictably. I am so sick with morning sickness, so exhausted and nothing tastes right. I have had a number of headaches and a few migraines which make the right side of face explode in numbness. The chest has gone up a size and belly is starting to swell. I am ten weeks today.

All of which belies the galloping terrors I have inside.

The problem I have, is that twice before I lost my babies without warning. No cramping, no spotting, no nothing. I was still morning sickness and everything was chugging along. I just went in for routine appointments and they couldn't find a heartbeat. So, really, there is no way of knowing that things haven't stopped and my body is just going along like nothing happened. The not knowing is the riding crop.

It's gotten bad, these feelings. When I surface from nausea attacks, when my face regains feeling, when I can relax and eat with joy, this is when my scared goes into overdrive. The doctor was kind enough to offer me sooner appointments, to check on things, but that is no good. He's a nice, relaxed and reassuring man. But, he's a doctor and those visits trigger an ugly avalanche of freak out for me. I sort of go numb and stare the day before the appointments. The morning of, I just start crying. I cried when he saw me last.

I can't go in to see him early. It's too much a trigger. It was nice of him to offer though.

Maybe I can just use denial. Maybe that's the ticket. Maybe I can pretend I never had a miscarriage. Maybe I can just block that right out of my mind. The knowledge of all that I've been through isn't helping what is now. It's not helping me think positive. It's just not helping. Yeah, denial, that will help.

Then I can use prayer. I am so exhausted and tired. So worn down by first trimester symptoms and my worries I can't seem to surface enough to pray. But I don't have to be fancy about it. Just a few words here and there. That will help.

Leaning on Mr. Hall. I don't do this enough. He's right there, being over joyed and making jokes about his ability to knock me up. Calling himself a super stud, saying we should put a warning sign by our pool that a fertile man lives here. He gets so frustrated with me. I do too. But, leaning on Mr. Hall, that'll help.

Ok, that's enough for now. No more of this crazy. I'll be turning off this train of thought for now. Letting the normal happen and what I have happening now is so very normal. So very miraculous. I just need to open up my arms and let it all happen :)