Come come, oh light

This blog was started to show this little life of mine. To tell my story and let it all come to the light. While my story is not extraordinary, I find wonder in it. I find curious joy too. Even in the saddest of sad parts.

My innate sense of wonder and curiosity brings me adventure. I am a seeker. This leads to mini obsessions, things that become my whole world until I am done. Then they become something I did once.

There are many paths I've traveled and some have brought me great gifts. Like the music of Johnny Cash, the taste of spicy hummus and the sweet loving of Mr. Hall. These things I sought. They were not brought to me.

The life I lead now is beyond my wildest dreams. There are so many blessings my arms are sore from the carrying. The most blessed gifts of all are my children. And OH! What children I have. They are loving, kind, gracious and will do amazing things.

All of this swirls in my head as we get closer to the foster care system. When Mr. Hall and I were dating we decided to have a few kids, then adopt. We've had two kids and now perhaps, it's time. Time to adopt I think. We don't want to adopt babies, we want to adopt from the foster care system.

This sounds very noble typed out. It sounds reasonable and kind. It sounds merciful. However, there is abstract loftiness and then there is hard and heavy reality. The reality is sinking in these days, as we get closer to making this decision.

My fears are many. I fear that this will be another obsession, something I bring into my life for the wrong reasons. I fear that I cannot be prepared for this. I fear I don't even no where to start. I fear for my kids, that I'll bring something into their lives that is not good. I fear I am not healed enough.

My fears are not unfounded.

As I read about these children from the foster care system, I am learning to differentiate between diagnoses and behaviors. This is what I do, divide and conquer in my head. I do this because these foster care kids are hurting. They came into the foster care system because of great pain and sadness. For children, pain is expressed through behaviors. They haven't the words to say I'm hurting. Sometimes, they don't have the ability to accept love that can heal them. It's overwhelming, reading all of this.

Yet here I am, still reading. Reading foster parent blogs and articles on psychological issues common with foster kids. I read narratives from foster kids. I learn the story from a personal and clinical perspective. Some of it is so sad, I cry out loud.

Yet here I am, still reading. I do the reading because I have stomach for it. I can withstand reading through all of it. Mr. Hall is strong, but I am stronger in this way. This is how we can reach out towards this.

At my roots, I am a kind hearted Mom. I am hard wired for mercy. I am woman of faith. At my roots, I feel a pull towards these children. I've determined it's their needs pulling me, not mine. I'm not trying to replace the babies I've lost in pregnancy. I can say this with full confidence.

Yet, I am still scared. I am scared because once I begin this, I won't be able to stop.

I can say this will not be done alone, I will do this with my husband and my children. I won't be adopting alone, our family will be adopting.

This will take a gigantic amount of prayer and faith.

And so I bow my head.