The dream exchange, treeman, bucking the system and breaking down

Last night I had a dream where a young lady had become pregnant. She was older teenager and had a mom and dad. Everyone said get an abortion and rallied to arrange this. The daughter, her mom and dad went along with the community's assessment and planning of things. The community had done this in love. The family piled into the car with inky black skies covering them. This drive was known to be the drive to the clinic. Folks gathered round for a send off; to support the family, waving and cheering. The daughter, mom and dad all smiled and knowingly nodded at each other. They simply drove away, skipping town. Leaving it all behind.

They pulled up to a new house. There stood a huge, barren black tree in the yard. The man spoke, he was a tree man. He saw them and shook like a dog fresh from the bath. Twigs and dead branches broke off. Sort of like a hair cut.

That was it for my dream. Loved how the family bucked the system and rallied to create their own path. Love how they didn't fight the well doers and just did their own thing.

I'm sure this is very much my life, in this dream. We are less than a month from our meeting with the state. It's an informational meeting where in we begin the process of adopting from foster care. I'm not telling a lot of folks because a lot of folks give me the stink eye, in one form or another. Often well meaning stink eye but sometimes downright hostile. There is a lot of fear and myths about adopting from foster care. A lot of questions about why more kids since we have three. A lot of stuff I'm done answering.

I have no frame of reference for this life I've been blessed with. I grew up with just a brother. My husband grew up with a slightly unhinged mom, two sisters and no dad. He says he was a late bloomer. Thick coke bottle glasses. Flooded with hormones, poor social skills and no direction.  This is the common theme of him growing up.  I believe this is a blessing. He has loads of help he can offer our kids as they struggle. Because he struggled mightily and won. He's very charming and good looking now.

For me, growing up, my common theme was plowing ahead. Going for it even if I had no idea how.  Just doing it because it called to me. At the center of it all, has been a quality heart. The driving force has been love.  I care and want to help people. It's what God built me for. In a way, He also built me to buck the system. To go against what is comfortable and safe. Because His love cannot be denied.

So maybe this is a strength. I'm done fighting or explaining to the naysayers, no matter how they are trying to help. I'm done because it's already happening. God moved my heart when I was 19 years old, working as a 3rd shift waitress at a greasy spoon. I was a complete idiot and could barely take care of myself. I was not saved. I didn't know God then. But miracles were happening. I knew that I could be a mom, that I could adopt one day. Over 20 years later it's happening. It's just a matter of time.

And the tree part is true too. Got may hair did yesterday. It had been four months and man the dead ends and disheveledness. I got highlights and everything. Looking fantastic today.

The Dream Exchange

In my dream. Last night.

(background about me--I'm a mental health professional who works with addicts daily. Alcohol addiction is the most common of all addictions.)

I opened my office door to let my patient in. Scores of family members began to walk in, in lines of two by two. I yelped to get their attention. "If you are his wife or daughters, you can stay, the rest need to stay outside." The crowd reversed itself. Approximately six women remained. But, no patient.

He was still in the hospital, detoxing from alcohol. I was to order a urine drug screen and talk with the patient about alcohol treatment. Via skype. On a cell phone the size of a T-81 calculator.

 

 

 

The patient appeared in the screen. Flanked by two more daughters. I asked him if he felt he had a problem with alcohol. Because being in a hospital bed, detoxing from alcohol, this is not enough evidence for some people that THEY HAVE A PROBLEM. Neither is 6 DUIs or having lost marriages, homes and custody of children. Denial is huge with addiction.

So is having an attitude.

Which my dream patient had in spades. He said, "there are lots of reasons my drug screen could have come up positive for alcohol." And the family grew restless with me. All manner of six women and two on the screen murmurred that I wasn't fixing him. That I wasn't taking care of it.

I gingerly threw the cell phone against the wall. It gently broke. The women left in a huff. I followed them and found many more family members in the waiting room. Children even. Enough family members and assorted children to fill a big yellow bus. All leaving in a huff.

 

 

During this dream I could have busted out my therapuetic communication techniques. I could have therapuetically aligned myself with all of them but I'm not going to. At least in the dream.

Anyone working with addicts knows it can wear you down. Especially if their pathology is locked in the family dynamic. Enablers help addicts stay sick. Families often look to mental health professionals to fix their addicted love one. They forget that the problem and the solution begin WITH THE ADDICT. And when we don't fix them they get on a bus, in a huff, and leave.

I'm very tired and in much need of a vacation. This is what this dream means. I don't see a vacation anytime soon though.

SO--i'll increase my time off. Increase my crossfit. Increase my yoga. Increase my bible study. And relax because I have 25 more years until I retire and will wait for awesome until then. And awesome does happen, it really does.

:)

Good, even better

Good is eating cottage cheese right from the container with a smaller spoon. It's daintier that way.

Even better is waking up from a wacky dream. A dream where I am puddling along atop a tractor. Much to my suprise, I start to sink into the seat. Now, I am the tractor driving mostly straight, In too short of a time, I wake absolutely roasting hot. Swept downstairs all sweaty seeking oasis. In the end, I'm in the kitchen, gently chugging chilly milk right from the jug.

Ahhh!

Tasty!

Miss Jamaica is NOT Amish

Mr. Hall & I on our honeymoon. Snubing . . . :)


Had a dream I was in Jamaica last night. I was a waitress in a cafe, totally feeling the warm and love. I've never been to Jamaica, but it sounds fantastic. :)

Anyway, today I'm heading a Christian retreat for a few days. Driving to a church about two hours away. I'm not sure what to expect but I suppose it'll be like going to church for three days. They've asked we not have our cell phones on us. And no computer access either. This is the scary part for me. But, I've made my peace with it. It makes sense. Texting and facebooking while one is at a retreat might be counter productive. :)

THAT BEING SAID.

We are to sleep in a common room. They said they have cots. I said, "Can I bring my queen size blow up mattress?" Because I'm Christian, NOT AMISH.

SO, wish me luck!

How I can tell I'm getting better

• I'm yawning. I first yawned a few days ago in yoga. I mean, i've been so tired, but no yawns. Yawning requires relaxing. I've not been relaxed lately. So, it's nice yawning again.
  
  
• I'm dreaming crazy dreams. I'm a crazy dreamer. I've posted about it on the 'dream exchange' before. In the last few nights, I've finally started dreaming again. It's fantastic.
  
  
• I am down 8 lbs and my double chin is started to recede. I am transitioning from size 16 to size 14. I have size four pantalones. They'll have to wait 'til winter though. This will take a while :) Yay weight watchers!
  
  
• My eyes don't feel like they're going to bleed. I feel rested this morning. Really, really rested.
  
  
• Mr. Hall and I are talking more about losing the pregnancy. We're bringing it up and sharing our emotions. I weep- but not spasming, choking sobs. Just crying and being sad.
  
  

Things I need to work on:

• Caring for Mr. Hall. He has the sads too. But not like me. He carries it differently. I need to massage and give lots of non verbal love. Scalp massages are especially important. I need to take care of me and stand tall. According to the bible, Eve was created to sustain Adam. I must remember this. I sustain him.
  
  
• Stop obsessing. Slow down. Be present here and now.
  
  
• Continue my yoga practice and start to make pleasant small talk. My yoga studio was new to me when I started back up. It seems there is a good group there. I am a newbie and people are making overtures to me. I can't hide. I need to make nice and be open. Smile. Talk. And work those poses like a red redheaded step child.
  
  
• Ask God for help with all of this. Healing is a possibly. Getting through this, to the other side, is possible. But not alone. So I pray. And pray, and pray. And through Him, anything is possible.
  
  

The Dream Exchange

Every morning at breakfast, the wee Pancake and I exchange dreams.

This morning I said, "I dreamt that Daddy was in a dress and he was talking in a church". Because I did indeed have a dream that he was cross dressing and speaking at a church. He was still manly though, tough even. But it was disturbing to me while I was dreaming. Because I was being forced to hold it in, forced to change what I felt and understood to be our marriage. All so I could accept his newly exposed personal yearnings.

The yearning to wear women's clothes that is.

Which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't that bad. I mean, it's not like he was becoming an alcoholic or sleeping with the pool boy. I mean we don't have a pool.


Yet.
(author snickers mischievously)

Then Mr. Hall says, "Well, did I look good at least?" And I said, yes, you looked quite manly, like Patrick Swayze in "To Wong Foo." He had no idea what I was talking about.

Then Pancake piped up and said, "I dreamed we found a treasure and there was real gold and treasure and candy and ice cream."



I think she got the better dream last night.

But, if all goes well, wait till she hears about the pool. ;)

Take care ya'll!