Chances are . . . .

Tonight I bought the test that can tell me, in about two weeks, if or if not. Or...I could just wait until my body tells me. Because it always does.

Either way, two things are true. When Mr. Hall calls on the phone in the middle of the day, or enters a room, I do indeed get a silly grin.

And this song was piping through Walgreens while I was making my purchase. Clear as day. I don't remember ever hearing it but, oh my goodness what a song.

Here, take your time, relax a bit. And take a listen.



Take care everyone . . . .

Touching God in Dark Places

We are now trying to conceive our third child. And within the next week, the sentiment goes from ‘we're trying to get pregnant’ to ‘this is when it could happen’. Or, as Mr. Hall says,

"Game on!"

I am very thankful I started this blog after my two children were born. Now I can write our stories better. Beyond the cold hard facts I mean. Watch how the stories change throughout this post.

Pancake was conceived on a Sunday night after an episode of X-files. We had been married about 4 months. There was a beige futon involved. When I took the pregnancy test, it was a Saturday morning. The toilet seat had cracked the night before and it pinched my tush.

When the test turned positive I plotzed. I didn’t believe it. I called the nurse help line and asked if I should have a blood test to make sure. I called my friends and my mom. It stunned me for a long time. An excited stunned, but I was stunned none the less.

Mac was conceived on a Monday morning after we dropped Pancake off at day care. We were in the lower level guest bedroom in our first house. We were really, really tired, but it was fun none the less.

When that test turned positive, I was in my kitchen. I did a little jig and called Mr. Hall. He was not as shocked or surprised. But I was. I was happy and more relaxed but it was still a matter of-"I can’t believe it worked!"

With both pregnancies, the state of shock wore off when zombie like exhaustion and nausea become my constant companions. Nothing takes pregnancy from an abstract thought to an unrelenting and bone crushing reality, faster than that. But really, this time around, I am prepared for all if it. I have learned to nap sitting in my office chair. I have learned to puke with ninja like precision. No biggie :)

So let me start talking about our next baby. Who is already here by the way. The kids have always been here, even before they were conceived. It's just a matter of when they will arrive. Because they are here right now, in our hearts.

This next baby will be conceived a bit differently. This time I am just letting go and letting it all happen. Without ovulation charts, without obsessing. I'm letting the miracle happen, as is.

Which really, it’s happened that way in the first place, twice.

Becoming pregnant is a largely invisible process. I cannot make any of this happen by planning or sheer force of will. It's a matter of turning my body over to the divine and letting her unseen magic whirl within.

This is the pigeon pose by the way. I pose I did this morning. Go yoga!

All of this is coming from us and outside us. All at the same time. For us, first came the love, then came the marriage, then came the baby in the baby carriage.

And make no mistake, there is no love like married love. Living together doesn’t even come close. At least not for us. Then there is the love I have for him- because he made me pregnant. Our babies grew inside my belly because of him. There are no words for this. Just paroxysms of joy and permeated bliss.

Which I find myself feeling, over and over again, in the dark. We turned off the lights and we crawl into bed, feeling the warmth of our dark red comforter. We nuzzle and spoon in our cherry wood sleigh bed. Our babies snoozing sleepily across the hall. Babies we birthed. All of us here, home.

In the dark, during these nights, I feel whole and full of God’s grace. I feel the swirling energy emanating from inside and outside our bodies. In the dark, when we are bound round each other, smooshed and warm, I feel touched by the hand of God. I feel the miracle of our marriage. A miracle we've been blessed with.

And maybe, just maybe, before next month, we will be blessed with yet another miracle still.

I stole something today

ahh, sin. yes, lovely sin. breathe it in people, breathe it in :)



I stole something today. It was a completely premeditated theft.

Ya see, I have what is called the mirena IUD (click here-its the one on the right). Which is fabulous by the way. So very very faboosh!! For those who don't know, the IUD goes is an intra-uterine-device that keeps a women from conceiving. It goes here (click here). I believe it may be the most perfect birth control.

Really, it is the perfect birth control. It requires ZERO effort on my part. Well, I had to remember to make an appointment to get it placed. So easy this appointment. Having it placed involves the same procedures and equipment as any other gynecology appointment. There is the gown, the foot rests nee' stirrups but gimme a break they are what they are and a speculum. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. It is a sigh of relief that can begin a total of five years worth of birth control. I've had two now. Again, FABOOSH!!

Getting it removed though, well, that was a bit um, disappointing.

Ya see, getting pregnant is a very exciting time in a marriage. All sorts of hyper and enthusiastic sex. It is pure and primal. And the love, oh the love. After all, that is what sex is for, making babies. All sorts of hyper and enthusiastic love gushing back and forth.

It was a disappointing contrast between what we felt and what we were doing. I mean, to celebrate and start the process of gushy baby making, to celebrate the sexy marital love, we booked an appointment to have my mirena removed. It was disappointing, basically Jeff went with me to something very much like a pap test. (Oh you know you want to click here)

Jeff whined that there were no good magazines to read, just two year old copies of ladies home journal.

Well what did you expect, I say, this is the women’s health clinic.

It was very anticlimactic.

Then we went to Hawaii. Was all sorts of fun. Some four weeks later, I was pregnant with Mac.

In my past, I was meticulous about conceiving. I can tell you the very hour each baby was conceived. I know because I tracked my ovulation like a crazed stalker.

No more I say, no more! This time, in present day, we will let nature take it's course. Or I will anyway. It will be as natural as possible. Jeff and I will be in charge of the entire process from beginning to birth. Starting with the withdrawal of my mirena.

It started today, at a routine doctor's appointment.

THAT’S RIGHT!!!

I swiped a plastic, disposable speculum. It was sterile and sealed hermetically in a clear plastic bag. Swiped from the middle drawer under the exam table.

Put in my totebag and brought it home. It felt tender in the tote bag, like a puppy. It's now tucked in my undie drawer, waiting patiently. When I see it there I comfort it. I say, patience my love, it'll be soon, very very soon.


Yes, yes, it is all very good.

So very, very twinkly good.


Amen I say, amen.