out of body

We bought a pop up camper and have gone camping three times now. It.is.divine. I was so happy last weekend I cried when we packed up and went home. There is just an ultimate freedom with camping.

No cell phone service. All your stuff in three tubs, the car and a pop up. Kids play together because there is nowhere to go and nobody to do it with. So much dirt to dig, so many frogs to catch. It's perfect.

I take great joy in watching the sun bounce of the tree leaves. I could just stare for hours.

On the foster front we said no for the first time to a placement. The little guy was 3 and had autism. It's not the autism that we said no to, it's the 3 years old. I'm tired. I'm 41. I'm a older kid momma now. Chasing babies and getting up in the middle of the night is no good. Plus anxiety. I didn't realize I had anxiety until I went to see a therapist. Because my middle son is still super complicated with ADHD and genius factor. Genius meaning super smart but emotionally behind.  And it's still hard but I went to therapy to make it less hard. Therapy is going well, I'm getting things cleaned up a bit.

Which is another weird factor. I'm literally recreating my operating systems. Which are no longer working on fear, divide & conquer. I'm slowing down and it's just weird. It's calling up fundamental questions of who I am outside the people that need me. I think I lost myself a long time ago. But now that the kids are all potty trained and I don't have to hover so much, I'm emerging a bit. Also weird.

It's a slow process. We still have paperwork in to the foster to adopt folks. Our references told me they got their paperwork to fill out. So something is happening. It's all so different than a belly pregnancy. Belly pregnancy is just stopping birth control and getting it on. This is so out of body. Pregnant on paper they say.

I wonder when the bone crushing morning sickness will start... oh wait! That's only with belly pregnancy :)