"We had this conversation 3 years ago"

With a little downtime today I can talk about why we aren't going to adopt our foster daughter.

When Mr. Hall told the social worker he didn't want to adopt, he was teary eyed. She was there to start the paperwork and I thought maybe we'd just discuss things. I know he had reservations but I was in denial. Turns out, he really doesn't want to adopt and feels shitty even saying that. The social worker was very kind and saw us, Mr. & Mrs. Hall, divided. On the couch.

"You guys are in a tough spot.", she said.

Oh my heart that day! I was sinking, sinking, sinking.

The number one thing people ask us as foster parents--is "Isn't it hard to give them back?" And I always said, "No, they have parents that love them and if they can get better, the child wants to go back and that's were they belong. We're just temporary."

So, with that pressure in mind, the pressure of what people expect from him, what I wanted from him, he had the courage to say, "No. It's not right. I don't feel connected to her. She needs to be with another family when the time comes."

Oh my heart that day! Sink.........sink ....sink....

I felt for my husband. It makes him sound like a bad guy. He's actively hurting me, with my big let's adopt ALL THE CHILDREN puppy dog eyes.

It was a rough week after that. My heart was just aching and I couldn't go to Mr. Hall, the one I go to. It was the first time we've ever had uglies and sad. Foster care challenges us in ways unbelievable.

So we prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. And I cried and trusted God and trusted God and prayed.

And his heart didn't open and mine opened other ways.

Mr. Hall wants to help ALL THE CHILDREN. He sees many foster kids coming and going through The house of Hall. We'll work on their stealing, lying, scratching, temper tantrum fitting for two hours and ugly. Helping them and sending them on their way. And, he says, "When the time is right, when I feel it's right, we'll adopt. This is what we talked about three years ago when we started this." I guess I didn't remember having that conversation. Hearing what I want and ignoring what I don't is a habit of mine.

A few weeks have gone by and we revisited how we felt last night.

I feel better. It's better to be honest. So we talked about the future of our little girl. Nothing BUT NOTHING will change for a good long year. Even though bio mom's rights will be terminated and she'll be available for adoption, that wouldn't happen for a year. A year for the termination and another year for someone to finalize an adoption.

In other words, she's not going anywhere. She's hear for the duration. And whatever dream I have of children, our permanent children,  is still fuzzy. The dream is not clear yet....so I dream on.....