Voice mail: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

Open letter to my patients:

Look. I am a mental health nurse practitioner. Unlike your primary care team, I don't have a nurse or a secretary to make phone calls for me. So it's just me, in the red headed stepchild section of your health care, calling you.

Could you please change your out going message? Yes you, the one with the voice mail that goes:

"DON'T FUCKING LEAVE A MESSAGE I GOT CALLER ID, I KNOW YOU CALLED AND I'M NOT GONNA LISTEN TO YOUR MESSAGE!"

The fact is, I need to leave a message. In fact, if you no-show our appt, I have to call you THREE times and listen to you be a jerk.

Also, could you and that other guy change the following outgoing message:

"This is ADAM. you know the drill."

and

".....(static....mumbling i don't understand.....yelling kid in the background)..."

Also- could you and your brother please try not to be funny because this:

"Hello . . . .. . . . haa haa fooled you, leave a message".

is not funny.

Allo me to repeat that.

not.funny.at.all.

Also- I appreciate that you enjoy death metal/heavy metal/ear splitting techno or loud classical baroque but having it BLARE IN MY EAR FOR THIRTY SECONDS is not pleasent. Change that please.

Lastly, consider this. Part of the problem that you are seeing me for is that you are unemployed because of your anger/depression/piss poor attitude. So think of what employers think when they get hear this outgoing message:

"YO!! IT'S LAVANDRE YO!! HOLLA AT YOUR BOY!!"

or the white trash version

"YO YO YO! IT'S MASON ALEXANDER THE THIRD BOYEE!! LEAVE A FRESH MESSAGE AT THE BEEP!!"

or just don't be white trash at all, like this guy:

"GEORGINA!! ... HOW TO YOU WORK THIS DANG GUM CELL PHONE!! (random beeps) AWW SHIT! I give up"

So, please, clean the voicemail up people. Do it for me, your friendly neighborhood NP.

Thanks a bunch!!