And then. I was. A duck.

There's good news and bad news kids. First, the good news is, I had two positive pregnancy tests this weekend. Then the 'fuck are you kidding me' bad news is that I lost pregnancy too. I was at work. Talking with a patient. It was ugly and I knew it before I hit the bathroom. I was barely four weeks pregnant. bah. I'm still dumbstruck by all this. I mean, I have two awesome kids from two awesome, normal pregnancies. So now I'm what? A lame duck or something?

I cried and sobbed really hard last night in Mr. Hall's arms. That felt good. I took a long, hot, scalding shower and put on warm jammies from the dryer. That felt awesome. Then I cried until I was done. Best to get these things out anyway. I feel much better today.

And this morning I went back to the doctor I didn't like and got all sorts of blood work. And I will get any blood work she needs throughout the week and next week because I don't care anymore, take a goddamn limb if you need to if it gives me answers. Here, here's my left foot, take it.

But the thing is, there may not be any answers. They will give me two medications when I try again because that will cover the common causes of miscarriages. And they will have me wait three months to try and get pregnant again. Which I say, fucking a.

SO.

Here's the plan.

I will work out with my friend Amy at least two days a week. I will weight watcher and get all buff and such. I will read books, get back into yoga. I will watch foreign movies. I will bicycle around and around. Sign up for bible study, set up play dates and get togethers. And I will get up every day, put on my dress and heels and get on with it. I will lipstick and be cute and smile.

Because I am a beloved wife of a hot husband. Because I am mother to two cuties. I have so much to give and I will be giving it.

Because I am Mrs. Hall and I am awesome.