Monday, June 1, 2009

Smacking my thoughts up

For the past two weeks I've been bending steel bars
into pretty u shapes.

Today's task was a bit different.

The task was taking the kids to the kid's museum and change my attitude. I am well versed on these solo trips with the kids. There are several ways I streamline the process. I carry no purse, just 10 bucks in my back pocket. I change Mac’s diaper in the car, so no diaper bag. That way, I have nothing to carry but the 33 lb toddler. Freeing my hand to hold the little girl’s wee digits.

Once through the door, coats get hung up. Then- its time for the stations. Stations are different play stations within the place, all with a theme. My children are different ages (6 and 3). Which means different developmental stages. They run to different stations. Pancake enjoys the arts and crafts, Mac enjoys the fire truck and the airplane stations. Yet still, there is only one of me.

I stand back, where I can eyeball both of them. And I feel bad because I don’t get to kneel near them, encouraging their wonder. Whispering, ooh and aahhing, calling attention to the neato.

Mostly, I jog back and forth, I give a quick squeeze and peck on the cheek. I smile, wave, wink or give thumbs up when they glance my way. But mostly, when it is just me, I get to stand back and monitor. And I feel bad. And sad. I mean, if Daddy was here . . . . .

. . . . . I feel like I am failing them because I can’t have Daddy here for them. I just cry thinking about this. Silently weepy. Fucking ache and cry inside. This is the undercurrent to the stress and anxiety I feel, while shepherding them out of doors.

But today. I stopped it, I fucking stopped it.

I hid around the corner with a huge two by four.

I heard it running down the hall and then,

At right moment I swung-

I lorded over it. Watched it cry even.

And I bent it into this.

THESE KIDS. THESE KIDS GET THEIR MOMMY ALL TO THEMSELVES ALL DAY. And I get them. And they get to be here, at this crazy kid’s museum. New colors, new smells, new things to do, new kids to chase around. New stuff every week here.

All of this floods me by the water station. This station is a set of water tables. One has levers to control the flow of the water. Another table has tiny rubber ducks that can be sent down a ramp.

As I was comforting “I’m failing my kids as a Mommy thought” and helping her pack. (THUS sending her on her way, never to be seen again). As I was doing this, I looked up.

My jaw dropped.

Now, I have been to this kid’s museum oh, some 600 times. I have been at the water station for some oh, 600 times.

Today was the first time I have noticed that THERE IS A BIG GIANT MURAL OF AN OCEAN ON THE WALL.

It just got better after that.

At the dinosaur station, when the Mac dropped into a long tantrum, and the girl yelped I WANNA GO HOME!! I sort of leaned against a wall. Just looking at them. And I remember what Mr. Hall once said, “It dosen’t matter what happens, they are just so cute.” And dang, he was right.

I was blissfully high on being a mommy today, blissfully flooded by just being here.

Bending steel bars will do that to ya.

And before we all know it, Mr. Hall will be back here all the time. And when we combine our super powers . . . welll . . . mhwaaa haaa ha ha . .

(this is not me but next time, i gotta try this ;)

13 Left a message at the beep:

Anonymous said...

"And I feel bad because I don’t get to squat near them" Jesus Christ! What kind of museum is this?


Holly said...

Hey! Super One! Today, I want you as my super hero.

Listen, let me tell you what's what here...from an old Holly to a younger one...

You weren't missing Mr. Hall for them, they were in the moment and having a blast just as kids seem so able to do, living in just the moment.

You were missing Mr. Hall for you. And your definition of what is supposed to be for your life and kids. Understandable.

But, YOU are giving them a moment in the sun and fun. And, YOU being there means safe and secure to do that. YOU!

Not to say you aren't and shouldn't miss your partner and wish that it was easier to have the dream. It would be hard to miss him that much.

And, as to the stand back and monitor part, Nurse, I'd say that's one of your great gifts.

We all need to learn to be intrepid and go exploring...and you're not being able to get down with one and coo means that both get the safety net of your wide stance and vision. It's a fabulous thing to learn to be by yourself and have fun all the while knowing that someone wonderful always has your back.

YOU! Are my hero today! You.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

Will: yeah, i changed that line, hee hee-thanks for stopping by dude!

Holly: Yeah, no need to call me a hero Holly-just doing my job as a mom . . .

Butyou are right. I do ache and be sad because I miss my husband. BUT soon enough, soon enough . . . .

Holly said...

Senora Hall:
Me again...please, don't read my blog today if you haven't written your story on the photo I sent you. Since you asked me not to tell you anything about it, I realize today I posted a related photo that would give it all away for if the story is written, by all means stop on by.

Otherwise, save it for another day.


Mrs. Holly Hall said...

yeah, it's takinga while for the story. i really really take time when doing such things. i think the last one took like 4 months. yeah, i'm slow. so thanks for the heads up


Heff said...

Ok, I found, and took your test. Only score a 40%. I completely forgot you dig Zombies, but I DID get the sex answer right, lol !

Anonymous said...

Hey! I got 60% and I'm tied for first and I've only been here twice and seen maybe your last 3 posts! My powers are beyond your understanding...


Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Mindfullness is living in the present, living for now, letting all the thoughts of worry fade away.

Seems like you experienced mindfullness.

Slyde said...

I get like that too sometimes, when im working too late for a stretch and i come home realizing im missing out on some good, formulative, mini-me times...

it's natural, but i agree it sucks..

Cam@Journey Wildly said...

Yes, you sooo have got to try that!! I don't know who this girl is, but she rocks it!

And, soon Mrs...

Soo on the in-breath, oon on the out-breath.

I'm glad you kicked 'her' ass, by the way. She had it comin'.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

Heff: we pay attention to what is most important to us, eh?

Wil: OOOHH it's on Wil, bring it!!!

Ole Blue: Yes, fully sucked into the moment I was in.

Slyde: Yes, tis unfortunate that we must feed the children something and hence work. But, makes the moments we have together that much sweeter.

Cam: Try what, the outfit? Oh yes, believe I will! and yes, breathe in breathe out...soon soon

Heff said...

Hey, are you a contender in Troll's Culinary Bar Brawl tomorrow ???

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

Perhaps . . . what is involved.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...