Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
During one of our hikes I sat down next to a tree and had a sad thought. I would never be a senator or a super hero. I would achieve just so much but not all that I wanted. I realize now my expectations and ego were way out of proportion to reality. Mountains can certainly put things into perspective.
That week was huge. I realized Mr. Hall was quality manliness who planned the entire trip and payed for everything. He opened doors and leaned in when I talked. He made fires, had his own credit card AND drove his own ford taurus. During that trip I knew I wanted to his Mrs. Hall. It was our third week dating.
I must say, lifes been good to me so far. I set my goals on becoming a wife, mother and nurse. I've accomplished thess by the blessings of God. So, imagine my suprise about being so bummed this morning. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to go back to bed or anything really.
Ya see, eventually a job becomes a job. No matter how hard I strove for it, yearned for it, took out GOBS AND GOBS of loans for it. It's a job that has been wearing on me lately. I work in mental health so a lot of what I hear are people's problems. Sometimes they are self made problems. I try and point out ways of getting better but the thing is, noone likes being told how to fix their problems. Well, some do but most don't. Even though they're seeing a mental health professional.
It doesn't help that I've been absolutely worn the frick down with nausea and exhaustion. I've been short these past 8 weeks. Tired of hearing them complain about stuff I told them how to fix 3 appointments ago. This hasn't gone unnoticed by my boss who kindly has taking me aside to explain customer service.
I've been asked to attend a conference on confrontational patients. Because my way of dealing with confrontational patients is to show them the door. Only I work for the federal government. The people I see are not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere either. 26 more years until retirement. God willing ;)
Luckily, I can adjust to things so I'm starting to listen more and slow down. And maybe get away to those mountains again.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The doctor said I can stop worrying now, now that I am 13 weeks and we all heard the heartbeat. My changes of miscarrying are less than 1%. I'm out of the danger zone.
Not sure what happened after that. It was all I could not to run out and hire a mariachi band and throw a party.
I AM SO HAPPY AND THANKFUL!!
Mariachi Band Happy!!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
I'm starting to have less morning sickness and exhaustion. I went to the store to buy yogurt and did a bit a shopping. Normally after work, I limp home, pull into my driveway and then psyche myself to go into the house. I shower and tumble into bed. Trying not to puke and fall asleep at 5.30 pm. On Friday I made it all the way to 9.30!
So yeah, 12 weeks, things are transitioning.
Which brought up all sorts of nightmarish thoughts and untoward musings. I actually started to have nightmares. Nightmares that I was bleeding and losing the baby. My stupid head went in full battle mode about all of this. When I was sicky and tired, the thoughts were slowed because I was too sick to think. But, there were still there.
It sucks. It's like a drunk ex boyfriend that won't fricking go away.
Tomorrow, Monday, I'll be 13 weeks. I have a doctor's appt. Which I'm sure is triggering some of this. I just want to order a doppler to listen to the baby's heart beat and take my own blood pressure and pee in that cup at home. I don't need to go into a hospital and be subject to my OB's caring and reassurance.
But, fetal heart monitors are 300 dollars! And I don't have a way to measure the protein they're measuring. Plus, no matter what test I have it won't be enough to battle the monster thoughts and nightmares.
During all of this, I can't tell you how good I feel physically. I went this weekend without the bone crushing pukies and exhaustion. My back and hands are so sore from being clenched the last month or so. I feel my muscles healing. I actually ate yesterday and ENJOYED the succulent food. I am sitting upright and awake. It's simply amazing! The relief is incredible.
I'm surfacing and it feels so good to be awake and alive.
So let me say it once again, "Heavenly Father, carry me now, I've not the strength to walk alone."
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
First off, I stand in the minority with the whole "Megan and Don" marriage. I truly believe this is a good marriage with love and potential for growth. Marrying Mrs. Frenchie was an awesome move on Don's part. In fact, I love Megan so much I would marry her!!
That being said, last night's episode was harsh when it came to discussing Don's sexual tryst filled past. Don slept with a lot of womens and they show up at random times. Like in an elevator, when he's standing next to his current wife. It's icky and sad.
Sadder still is the fever induced dream Don had about cheating on his wife. I had flashbacks during those sequences. Ya see, I use to have all sorts of dreams where I would cheat on Mr. Hall. They started when he and I were dating and lasted until about 5 or 6 years into the marriage. They were horrible. Pure torture.
In the dreams I knew full well that I was cheating on Mr. Hall. I would wake up all shaky and have a roaring headache. I would be so relieved that it wasn't true but at the same time, so drained with guilt and fear. IT SUCKED.
Then, one day, I figured out what the hell they were about. It was about me being scared I would lose all that we were. I was scared about losing Mr. Hall, all the love and joy we have. I realized it was nonsense and the dreams stopped. Oh happy day!
So yay for Don, ending the dream for good. If I could have murdered those dreams when I first started having them I would have saved me a lot of trouble!! I don't believe he will ever cheat on Megan. I'll take bets on it!
Speaking of Bets (see what I did there?), I TOTALLY CALLED IT! I KNEW SHE WOULD GET ALL CHUBBY AND JUNK IN THE TRUNK!! I new she'd puff out. Glad she doesn't have cancer. Sad that her husband worships her and she can't grove in his love. BOOH!!
It was nice to see Peggy acting as a mentor to the new secretary. And I do not fault her at the end of the scene pictured above. Even after a night of drinking and dishing, I would have promptly removed my purse from the coffee table and brought it to my room. SHE HAS LIKE 500 DOLLARS IN THERE. I don't care who's sleeping on my couch, that's a lotta money. I don't trust anyone with that kind of cheddar. She should have taken the purse to her room for safe keeping.
AAAANNNNDDD . . . Pete. OH HOW HE'S GROWN!! He's still spoiled, tantrum prone and kind of an idiot but dang, nice to see he's grown a usable pair! Nice to see he's totally settled into being a husband and father, not following in Roger's footsteps of being drunk all the time, cheating on his wife. Good job Pete!!
And speaking of Joan. I felt bad for her in the last episode. I don't know why, but I still had hope for her marriage. Maybe because I see marriages that are so broken where both parties are just monsters towards each other, but, once they get into therapy things turn around. They soften towards each other, GROW THE HELL UP and then create a wonderful marriage out of the rubble.
I'm sure Joan is capable of this. Her husband wasn't though. Rotten to the core and unable to even try to adjust to her and her needs. I mean, what husband doesn't let his wife get on top? A husband that is no longer married to Joan!
So what's in Joan's future? Single motherhood. Maybe she'll knock on Roger's door. I doubt that though. Roger is another man child. And one child is enough for her!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
I had a funny thought on the way to work. I called Mr. Hall and said, "Let's name the little baby Hawk!" He said, "No, that's lame." But it tickled me.
Which is nice, being tickled. I've been weighed down with so much crazy lately. I realize it's my own doing but whatever. It's there. But. There's something else.
Having had two full term pregnancies I am blessed with two sets of stretch marks. After all, my son couldn't use the first set, he needed to make his own mark. Yesterday, when I was changing from my work pants to my yoga pants; ala Mr. Roger's, I noted my stretch marks becoming purple. I called to Mr. Hall and he confirmed it to be true.
This is new. I still have gobs of first trimester, lay my head down on the table in the middle of dinner because I am so exhausted, crawl into bed at 8.30 with the hopes of holding down my food type stuff going on. I still have round ligament pain. Which I'm too tired to hyperlink to.
Round ligament pain is pain that affects the ligament that starts at the hip and attaches to the uterus. As my womb grows the ligament smarts something fierce! It's an on again/off again pain that spikes if I get up too quickly or sneeze. Or just sitting down watching Jeopardy.
Complete aside here but- I take no amount of small petty pride in my Jeopardy skills. While I not show meterial (I'm not that good), I'm 10,000 times smarter then my husband at this show. I have a wicked strong memory for inane details. Like saffron is the most expensive spice in the world. Also, Saffron is the name of Patsy's daughter from the show Absolutely Fabulous. And I once had a roommate who use to do cocaine and laugh insanely at that show. I think the show is awesome without cocaine though. So yeah, all of this culminates in some wicked Jeopardy skills. Thank you ADD!!
Wait, where was I?
oh yeah. feeling hope.
I'm coming to the conclusion that holding on to fear and doubt won't protect me from things that can go wrong. Not getting my hopes up won't make any future hurt, hurt less. Plus, that's already happening. Doubt and fear are falling off in chunks and I'm being infused with hope.
I hand myself over to God, let Him carry me as I've not the strength to walk the journey alone.
Let it come, oh sweet light, let it come.
Monday, April 2, 2012
That up there is Mr. Hall fixing the brakes on his truck.
He was annoyed at me, taking his photo.
I don't think husbands, wives, children and assorted family/friends of bloggers get how awesome these kinds of 'fixed the breaks' moments are. We LOVE documenting our lives. I post something on facebook twice daily. A cute photo of kids or a quick story about something. Like how our daughter recently learned how to make armpit farts.
It's all golden my good people.
It's like an elixir right now, as a I fight through round 17 of first trimester nausea and exhaustion. Reading and telling stories helps all of this.
Thanks for writing,
Thanks for reading :)