I remarked to my friend Sarah, "Hmm... I guess when you get older you just get big." I said this because my mom and her friend, some 30 years later, are big. Like 300 lbs big. My dad wears 3 XL now.
"It WON'T happen to me!", she declared. I didn't understand how she could be so confident. Sarah was a marathon runner though. I was not like her. Not yet.
8 years ago, I read that book up there. It was fascinating and fun stuff. Surprisingly, Dean Karnazes is just a man. Who runs. A lot. Running isn't that hard he explains, it's the mental battle.
The idea of a 'the mental game' was new to me. The idea that I could push myself past a comfort zone and get better-this was revolutionary. I still read this book every so often. It is my all time favorite memoir. And I've read thousands.
Choices and the mental game. Two seeds now. But, I didn't realize it quite yet.
Around the same 8 years ago, I sought out professional help. There were demons in them thar hills that needed mining. The counselor put me on a program of weight watchers and yoga. For the next nine months, demons flew out of me at a furious pace. It was a lot to withstand.
Once I stopped waging war with my body, I needed to deal with things like a grown up. It was so tough.
I can't describe the pain that was leaving me. Buckets and buckets of pain from letting my body be used by men starting at age 13. This was my first brush with the mental game. It was so hard. It was nine months of hot, sweaty bikram yoga. Of counting weight watchers points and losing 35 pounds. Of telling Mr. Hall all these horrible things I had never said out loud before. All the while, seeing the counselor and her encouraging me to journal my feelings.
Then more hot, sweaty bikram yoga. Count more points and buying smaller jeans. And more bikram. I remember crying during bikram and just letting the pain come out of me. It was magical.
Tears and sweat are the healing waters. Three seeds now planted.
The next seed begins a year and half ago. My third son was born, making me a mom of five. We have three of our own and two foster kids. My goal was NOT to be the fat mom. Every time I tell people about my family, I want them to see a healthy mom. Something to aspire to so they can be inspired to be like me. And then, more kids will be helped.
So--off to weight watchers I went. I lost 55 lbs and was very happy. Emotionally, it was so much easier. I was ready to feel unsteady and now it's ok. I didn't need to see a counselor.
Around this time, a man name Josh walked in. With him came crossfit. This was a seed I never even knew existed. I am a smart woman, boardering on genius. (muwhaa haa haa) But, being a mensa member has been part of my problem all along.
The problem with smart people is the thinking. The living in the brain. Like most bloggers, I have a rich interior life. How else would I be able to write this many paragraphs?
Too much living in the head makes the body grow still. Pockets of crazy develop that need emptying. And make no mistake, I am crazy. Did I mention the part about my 5 kids? My job as a full time mental health nurse practitioner where I tend to war veterans? Did I mention that sometimes I feel so blessed that I can't speak? That God's love surrounds me and makes me mute?
But, I need to be strong enough to withstand the blessings in my life.
When it was done I just laid there. Letting the crazy burst and sink into the floor. Just like I use to do in bikram. And when I was done, Mr. Hall reached out his hand and helped me up.
It was a good morning indeed.