Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Yeah, see now, if I wasn't a working Mom, I'd bust out posts every day. But here I am, posting on a Saturday night, when noone reads them. Also, with my exhausted Mommy brain, I can't really write coherently. Yet, this does not stop me.
When I took my skates off, I looked at my toes. They're battered and chipping toenail paint and I was happy. Because I've lost ELEVEN POUNDS. I'm waking up and feeling more, especially happy more. I am starting to feel tough and normal. Which is nice to feel.
AND on that note. We are signed up for a "Adoption from the foster care system meeting" [note: not the real title of the meeting]. It happens next month.
Let me back up:
Before we were married, Mr. Hall and I decided that we would have have our own children, then adopt when we were done. We've been married 10 awesome years. We're most likely done having children. This advances the plan to adopt. We still have time though, time to change our minds.
Plus, we're still healing from the miscarriages. I think I'm done but then, during yoga, I feel this pool of sadness. Not in every yoga class, just some. After class I drive two blocks away and let the water out through my eyes. Not after every class, just some.
I told Mr. Hall -I'll take a vacation day to attend. Then, Mr. Hall said, "Or. I could just go alone." Which made my heart do a thousand leaps.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
In my last post,
I fear I gave nursing a bad name. Let me try to correct that.
I have a number of homeless patients who live at the shelter. They take the bus to the clinic. The bus arrives before the clinic opens. As a result, they wait at the bus stop when I pull up. I wave, get out of my car and go around to the back entrance. Someone opens the front door and they file down to the waiting room. Then, we begin.
For the most part, it goes pretty well. On Tuesday, I had to help a guy out though. He struggles with getting to AA meetings. The struggle is inherent to recovery. When a person is addicted, their ability to handle stress is lowered. And that's just normal stress. When they sober up; then take a look at the damage done to their health, finances and family life, it can be overwhelming. Plus, they might have something underneath, like crippling depression or anxiety. Without alcohol, these problems come to the surface.
I empathize with these folks. Living life sober and rebuilding that life is very, very, very, very hard. This is why helping them is awesome. Sobriety is not maintained without some sort of help. And that's what I do, help.
So, I went to AA.org, found meetings for within biking distance from the homeless shelter. Then, I put my google maps skills to good use. I did this for a man whose been in an alcoholic hole for the last 25 years. He had no idea how to even turn a computer on, let alone do those basic things. It was a simple act of kindness.
And for this, I am so very, very, very, very, very thankful. I am thankful that I have this job, being a nurse. I am thankful I have been given a kind and loving heart. I am thankful I can do simple things to help those in need. I am blessed that I can put my skills to good use. I feel privileged to give witness for all of this.
Because that patient has been sober six months. I get to help him with this. And all of this is awesome beyond belief.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
So. had the brother and his wife over for a swim and some cards. Turns out, he lives like 10 minutes from my house. Who knew? Now, we moved to this house about 3 years ago. But, he never comes over or visits.
Yeah, he's kind of a douche.
Then my Mom gets all up in my grill. She's determined for us to be more of a family. I tell her, I invite him over but he never seems to show. Then, out of nowhere they did last night.
I can say I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON WITH MY BROTHER. Even normal stuff you have in common with complete strangers. Like an affection for angry birds or Harry Potter or hiking at local nature center. We just have nothing in common. We did like the X-Files once. So there was that.
He's a big sports nut. Like HYPER OBSESSED WITH STATS AND CAN NAME OFF STARTING LINE UPS type sports nut. I am aware of sports. I can try to be part of the game. He's also hyper competitive. Gets all into go-fish with my daughter Pancake. Enough so that they're playing for hours until he wins. Seriously. She's eight.
Yeah, he's kind of a douche.
SO. Playing Euchre. He gets all mouthy and starts trash talking. His wife perks up and swears a little. Meanwhile, Mr. Hall and I are all leisure like. Taking our time. Enjoying the quiet. Sipping booze. This annoys both brother and sister in law. I saw them exchange looks to this effect. This made me slow down even further.
NENER NENER NEEENER
I don't care.
So. Guess we'll give it a few weeks and then invite them over again. Make weird small talk, have a swim. No cards though.
not much to report these days. it's odd. i'm a person who talks a lot. yet here i am, not talking much at all.
i believe it's a matter of 'a little less talk, a lot more action.' working out more i mean.
since i've started working out more, taking care more, i can't move as much. i'm sore all over. i'm limping and having a hard time raising my arms. so sore. my sleep has launched into this super, deep sleep. which makes sense. my sleep has been crap since the miscarriage and now that I'm healing, my body is double deep sleeping to catch up.
i'm working with a trainer. well, he's free now, but soon i'll have to start paying him. which is weird. dude is six foot five and muscles all bulgy. i don't wine when he helps me work out. i just do the things he asks. i don't really say anything to him. he says muscles are important because they support your bones and joints.
i say sure. but i know things are changing inside. the tearing down and building up of muscles heals my hurt.
so. very sore. still soo sleepy. but all for a reason. all for the greater good.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A few days ago I got a call. It was about 2.30 in the afternoon. It was my high powered OB-GYN. She drew about 20 different tests to investigate reasons for my 3rd miscarriage. These tests were largely of the hormonal, cardiac and coagulation kind. Nothing genetic, but exterior. Stuff that can be fixed or worked around if found abnormal. Expect it wasn't. It all came back well within the normal limits.
Which caused a series of irrational and rational thoughts. But, first, I had to get back to work and see three more patients.
Then, on the drive home, my head exploded.
1. Irrational thoughts
What the HELL???
WHAT THE FUCK???
What do you mean nothing is wrong? My baby died for nothing? There must be something there, something we can point to. I mean, I had prepared for something being amiss. I mean, not totally wrong, but just enough wrong to cause problems with carrying a child to term. I DID NOT PREPARE FOR NORMAL. And I'm mad. REALLY REALLY MAD ABOUT IT. I realize we may never find out why we lost this baby but really, NORMAL???
(the thoughts spiraled like this for a while)
Then, things got weirder in my head.
Since I had prepared from something, perhaps just something small being wrong, I had prepared to turn down any intervention she would suggest to fix this something. To help us conceive and carry again I mean. Not that we are going to try again. I just thought we could take a looksie inside. Yah know, to poke around.
Then, I started thinking about the other layer of testing. Genetic testing. What if I have something inside that I've passed to my kids? She, the ob-gyn, doubts this. I have two healthy kids. I am currently still mulling over this layer of testing. It's expensive and most likely, will come up normal too. If so, what then?
2. Rational thinking
Then I remembered what my OB-GYN said about what we need to do 'if we want to try again'. Which made my head explode again.
I thought, NO. WE HAD DECIDED TO NOT TRY AGAIN. WE DECIDED WE CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN. But right after I scream this in my head-the whispers start. Unstoppable whispers of 'what if.' We if we did? Then I remembered I've given away all my maternity clothes and baby clothes and baby swings and . . .
Then I remember. I didn't give away all of it. I kept my favorite baby clothes and put them in my dresser. The crib and the baby swing were given to my brother. I can replace baby clothes in a snap. Which means when I gave away all that stuff, I didn't really give away anything.
And at this point I'm breathless, standing in front of my husband, exploding all over him. I'm huffing and puffing. My voice is loud and shaky, arms all akimbo. And he's smiling. SMILING!!! He's telling me he's already thought about this. Weeks ago. He was able to logically think this through while I was swimming in raw emotion. Then he said we never decided 'not to try again.'
We had merely decided to wait six months before we decide anything. And I search my mind. I find this to be true.
I was shocked at this. I am shocked that this entire time my husband has been keeping track of me and logically thinking through things. I am shocked because he knew what I was saying before I said it. Just gobsmacked.
Then I stopped exploding. We stood there, holding each other. Gently rocking back and forth. He's soothing me and I him. I'm so amazed by him, so blessed this is my husband.
And it's true. We need to wait to let all the crazy chaos inside settle. To let our hearts and spirits heal. We are in no shape to do any sort of anything right now, let alone make decisions.
So for now, I'll focus on my health. Go to yoga, continue on weight watchers. Maybe look into a personal trainer. I'll focus on the kids, loving my husband, going to church and feeling God's hands continue to heal me.
And it's good. :)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I told them I've been practicing yoga for nine years. Then I told them I've been on a five month break. They asked why. And I told them. I was pregnant but I lost the baby. So now I am back at yoga. They were sad about it.