Wednesday, April 20, 2011

the elephant in my room



When I call my doctor's nurse I get edgy. I cannot get OFF THE PHONE FAST ENOUGH. Every time I've called her in the past year it's been about me not being able to get pregnant or losing a pregnancy. Only these days, it's about my pregnancy. It's about good things. It's about unbelievable things. But, I can't shake this huge elephant in the room. The unspoken uncertainty that if I keep talking about it, I'll lose this one.

When I told my doctor's nurse I had two positive pregnancy tests she said, "OH! Congratulations!" And it took a while for me to figure out what she meant. Then I realized, these positive pregnancy tests are not bizarre artifacts in my life, but a reason to celebrate. I'm five weeks pregnant this week.

Then there is the Easter family gathering this weekend. Many a sister in law, mother in law, and aunt in law will be in attendance. I don't know if they remember the last loss. I don't know if they remember me actually announcing I was pregnant last winter or that we lost the baby a few weeks later. I don't know if they see me as a woman who lost a baby. I didn't tell them about the second one. But they are busy, accomplished women. I hope they have some faded recollection of me saying something but what was it again? What happened to Holly's pregnancy last year?

And really, I don't want them to remember anything. When I tell them I don't want them to pretend there is nothing to worry about. I want them to be all blase and carry on with their lives like nothing special is happening. Just Holly, pregnant again. But, i don't think I'll tell this weekend. Not yet.

Because there is a ANOTHER HUGE ELEPHANT IN MY ROOM.

Oh God I hope. I hope with every cell in my body I hope. I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope . . . I hope this is for keeps. I hope this baby grows bigger and bigger inside me. I hope she is developing big and strong and then nine months will pass and she'll be here, in my arms. And as hard as I try I can't help but let this hope grow. I can't help but feel this hope creeping in all over me. I try to stuff it down because that way, if something happens, it won't hurt as much but there it is, another elephant in the room. The hope.

I can say this. I will have my first ultra sound Monday. I will be six weeks. They'll check for a heartbeat and I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope.

6 Left a message at the beep:

Christine said...

I believe, I believe, I believe...

Mrs. Hall said...

i believe, I believe, I believe too!

Lotus07 said...

Well, I am certainly glad to hear there "IS" and elephant in the room, or in the womb so to speak. Just don't get all stressed out about it....that is the worst thing you can do. I suggest watching a lot of romantic comedies and visiting the zoo (when the weather warms up. Do not watch zombie movies or over think things....bad, bad, bad.

....and what ever happened to your commitment to not talk about this? Like, I assumed you could keep a secret....yeah right.....

...and what is up with calling it a 'she' already....how do you know it isn't another boy? Are you sexist or something?

Just hang in there.....and don't forget to breath.

Mrs. Hall said...

i breathe i breathe i breathe i breathe . . . .

Sebastian Decoeur said...

I hope too for you. I hope every thing is well and the bells of life ring for you.

Peace

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Praying for a keeper! We lost a pregnancy once--we'd announced it to D's family at Thanksgiving and the bleeding started the following weekend--at 14 weeks. I'd wanted to wait until Christmas because I always clung to the PAST the first trimester rule of thumb. Untelling pregnancy news sucks.

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