the elephant in my room

When I call my doctor's nurse I get edgy. I cannot get OFF THE PHONE FAST ENOUGH. Every time I've called her in the past year it's been about me not being able to get pregnant or losing a pregnancy. Only these days, it's about my pregnancy. It's about good things. It's about unbelievable things. But, I can't shake this huge elephant in the room. The unspoken uncertainty that if I keep talking about it, I'll lose this one.

When I told my doctor's nurse I had two positive pregnancy tests she said, "OH! Congratulations!" And it took a while for me to figure out what she meant. Then I realized, these positive pregnancy tests are not bizarre artifacts in my life, but a reason to celebrate. I'm five weeks pregnant this week.

Then there is the Easter family gathering this weekend. Many a sister in law, mother in law, and aunt in law will be in attendance. I don't know if they remember the last loss. I don't know if they remember me actually announcing I was pregnant last winter or that we lost the baby a few weeks later. I don't know if they see me as a woman who lost a baby. I didn't tell them about the second one. But they are busy, accomplished women. I hope they have some faded recollection of me saying something but what was it again? What happened to Holly's pregnancy last year?

And really, I don't want them to remember anything. When I tell them I don't want them to pretend there is nothing to worry about. I want them to be all blase and carry on with their lives like nothing special is happening. Just Holly, pregnant again. But, i don't think I'll tell this weekend. Not yet.

Because there is a ANOTHER HUGE ELEPHANT IN MY ROOM.

Oh God I hope. I hope with every cell in my body I hope. I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope . . . I hope this is for keeps. I hope this baby grows bigger and bigger inside me. I hope she is developing big and strong and then nine months will pass and she'll be here, in my arms. And as hard as I try I can't help but let this hope grow. I can't help but feel this hope creeping in all over me. I try to stuff it down because that way, if something happens, it won't hurt as much but there it is, another elephant in the room. The hope.

I can say this. I will have my first ultra sound Monday. I will be six weeks. They'll check for a heartbeat and I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope.