So, I was poking around in the pet section of craigslist because I still miss Henry. And with Craigslist pets, you get a ton of 'free to a good home' ads for dogs and there is none of that pesky petfinder $275 dollar adoption fees. Or needing three references and submit to a criminal background check. And having to pass a drug screen.
Wait, that's not right. I think I just make that last one up. Anywhoodle . .
I read about the dogs and then decide I kind of like having a clean lawn and not having a big dog giving me the doe eyes until I walk him. Plus, we can come and go as we please, no kennel fees even. So I look and dream and that satisfies my Henry sadness for now.
Then drifted to the craigslist 3sum ads. GOOD LORD!! Have you people read these things? I was interested about how people advertise for such things. But then again, I'm interested in everything, at least once.
There are piles and piles of these ads. They seem pretty simple, my girl wants this or I want to party for my bf birthday, et cetera. These people seem very simple. They advertise themselves as muscular, trim and shaved. Noone described themselves a bigger or plump. Some put up pictures of big fake boobins and long acrylic nails. Which really, white trash alert! Acrylic nails and bowling balls stapled to your chest is not a good look! How did this become something women want to look like?
Anywhoodle back to the 3sum ads. . . .
Then I got to thinkin'. A lot of the adverts were from 2 hours away from me. I live in a largely agricultural state. Lots of dairy, lots of cheese, lots of beer. And lutefisk. Two hours from here is rural in all directions. There is no way these people can be all fit and fake boobin. There's only one plastic surgery shop in this part of the state. And farmers do not make enough cash for that type of thing. They must be lying through their missing teeth I say!
Then I thought some more. There a lot of ads that say, 'we'll entertain'. I think this means they will invite people over for these 3sums. How does that work? Do you make dinner? How do you plan a menu for this? I imagine one must cook light, no gassy foods. Wine should be part of things to loosen everyone up. Not too much wine, or whiskey. This would cause the men to well, have whiskey dick. Plus, you don't want your new friend too drunk. I imagine there will be a lot of bending, twisting and upside down business. This is no good on a full drunk belly.
Also, how does the conversation go? I mean, when the person arrives, what the hell do you talk about? I imagine that the sex is a like a big elephant in the room. It must clogg the chatter quite a bit. This is no good!
And really, threesomes are just no good. In the words of Bill Maher, or (Bill Maher's best friend HEFF) "sex is designed for two people only. If you have a third, someone is always disappointed." And yes, I totally agree. Not that I know anything about this type of thing. OK well, there was this once, maybe twice, but I tell you this-I was an artist once and that's the kind of thing one does while ensconced the studio apartments of friends, lounging on their Indian rugs, basking in the glow of a particularly rousing poetry slam at the local coffee hause. And I never needed to advertise for anything. What? Stop looking at me like that!
So then I decided to go to bed because I was getting obsessed with these crazy craigslist ads. I had started to read the various fetishes. People are freaks I tell ya! I am so glad to be married lo these past nine years. Best bedroom loving in the entire world happens between two people who can stare into each other's eyes while bumping uglies. It's all about intimacy and love. Just sayin.
THEN I WENT TO BED. Guess what I dreamt about?
I dreamt I was part of a 3sum with one of those couples. I was smiling and being with the girl. Only she was only half into things. I could feel some dude in the background. Then I realized she was really sad inside and she was also kind of bigger weight wise. She felt self conscious. So dude and I tried to coax her into smiling and being happy with herself. Only the more we tried to make her feel good about herself the more she retreated. And it was sad because I think I liked her. Then I woke up all sad that my 3sum went all sad.
THAT DREAM SUCKED!!
So, let that be a lesson. Never read the craigslist 3sum ads before you go to bed.
Ok! class dismissed!