After my last miscarriage, I began to take birth control pills. Which made me feel, in part, like a kid. I can say with some hemming and hawing, breaking eye contact, and clearing my throat- the first time I took birth control pills, I was fourteen years old. I rode my bike to Planned Parenthood because I was too young to drive.
In hindsight I find that unfuckingbelievable.
These circumstances, of messing around so early in life, of not connecting love with sex, these are things I have healed inside. And now I think of myself as proud. Proud that as a 14 year old girl, I decided I was worth a whole lot. I was worth enough to figure out what birth control pills were and how to get them. I did that myself, as there was no sex talk. Proud that I peddled my self 3 miles, one way, across a busy bridge, to prevent messing up my future. Because I was gonna be somebody. And I am!
That was twenty years ago. I'm a misses now, all grown up. I can say that being married messes up one's concept of birth control. It's an accessory to the hot monkey love. I used the mirena IUD between our two babies and had forgotten what the heck the pills were like. But here they are, in my life again.
The goal of this three month run of birth control pills was to give my girly system a rest. To cease the relentless ovulation and give my ovaries a chance to regroup. It also served a psychological purpose. My head got a rest too.
I was able to ignore a lot. Then I started having migraines. Then yoga and a meditation session brought up the trauma of having two miscarriages. Then I started opening up a lot of my insides to heal the unseen that was hurting me. It's been working pretty well as I work it out. I'm about done with this three month run. I am about done with birth control pills again.
As such, I find myself being fearful.
Inside, my heart is bleeding all over the place. There is so much joy and happiness with getting pregnant. Making love to make babies is like touching God. I'm scared that my hurt and my fear will overshadow this. That it will taint the process of not being careful. That it will seep in my skin, pool in my veins and sloosh through me. I don't want this to happen.
My biggest fear is another miscarriage. That I will get that flaming positive test then start spotting a few hours later. Or that I will go for my first scan only to find out the baby's heart is not beating. This is what happened the last two times I got knocked up. But the fear grows further, every day, every week I can find things that could go wrong and my pregnancy would be lost. Even through the delivery things can happen and I would lose another baby.
So let me get on top here.
I welcome all the fear and all the worries and all the scenarios. I don't have to be afraid, because being afraid is not going to change anything. All of the above could happen and even worse stuff I've never heard about happening could happen too. So let it come, let everything everywhere come through me. Bring it here and let me jump in. Let it flood through me, making my insides all wrinkly and my body besotted with salty ocean water. I welcome it all.
Ahh. That's so much better!
And now, I'm getting excited. The happy is growing. Just a few more weeks. I will focus on healing even more. Focus on letting all of this be me. Then, and oh yes then, the fun of getting naked and knocked up begins again! ;)
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