There's this poem called, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock". It's about a scared man, who wishes to live life anonymously. But he has wants and needs, just like the rest of us. To fulfill these needs, he must first say them out loud. But to say you want things out loud, this is scariest of all. So he says:
"Do I dare, do I dare disturb the universe?"
And let's just say I took my last birth control pill this morning. Which I did. And let's just say there is power in my thoughts and feelings. Which there is. And let's just say I want things so badly, I am so scared of even asking for them outloud. Which I am.
But I don't want to be afraid any more. So here goes.
(me after yoga)
I say my body is full of womanliness. I have all this ovary and womb and boobie power. I am have all these wonderful parts working in concert. I am made this way on purpose. I have the power to make life, to make breath. I have all that I need to make another baby. I say I will get pregnant.
(my last positive pregnant test and other proof of 'with child' status ;)
I say things will go well. I will swell accordingly and the baby will grow and grow and I will be so happy. I will be full of joy and silly with pregnancy giggles.
And I shall not be afraid.
It's not mine to carry, this fear, this worry. My two ton boulder is where it belongs. Last night, I rode my bike with the stone in my basket. I pulled over and handed it up to God. He took it, held me a while and put me back down to play. I rode off all free. I am free to be what I'm meant to be. I've let go and I am letting it be. And what it will be, will be a miracle.
(My daughter-seven years ago)
(my son-three year ago)
Those miracles happened, and it will happen again.
Now, if you'll excuse me. Mr. Hall and I have some work to do. ;)