Bands I've had to break up with: Hole

And the sky was made of amethyst
And all the stars were just like little fish
You should learn when to go
You should learn how to say no

Forget what you know about the blonde in the middle there. She has had a rough go of it. What with a herion addiction, a husband who committed suicide (also an addict), and a mom who wrote a tell all book, bashing her daughter.

The band is called Hole, the blonde is Courtney Love

When they get what they want
They never want it again
When they get what they want
They never want it again

There is lots and lots of pain on their album, "Live Through This". Lots of rage too. When I was recovering from being hit by a car (when I was crossing the street) and recovering from the wee coma, I listened to this album. Like 12 million times.

Go on take everything
Take everything
I want you to
Go on take everything
Take everything
I want you to

I really was empty at that point. It was at the tail end of my year abroad. After the accident, my skull had seven cracks in it, wait, they were call fractures. My spirit fell out. I would soak the sheets at night, from night sweats. I would have these flashbacks. Not of the accident though. I remember nothing of the accident or the coma. I was about 20 years old. The accident happened on a January 5th.

And the sky was all violet
The more it gets violet more violence

The violence lived inside me. Making most everything a mess. I remember walking around, late late at night. Smoking Camels. Listening to the bones in my skull clicking. Clicking as they were knitting themselves back together. I had broken the guy's entire windshield, with my head. Click, click, drag exhale, click click, drag exhale. I was in a bad way.

And I'm the one with no soul
One above and one below

The album was very good. I played it really really loud on my bookshelf stereo. One morning, the speakers didn't play music, they just sort of hummed with a feedback type noise. I think I blew out the speakers. Well, no matter, I got a new pair the next day.

Might last a day
Mine is forever
Might last a day
Mine is forever

Basically, I used this album to let the rage breathe inside me. I didn't know it then, but after a signficant head injury, a person can experience a major personality change. I certainly did. I became very angry, I swore a lot. And I was in a lot of emotional pain. It triggered all sorts of buried trauma not related to the actual accident. I shut myself off from all sorts of people. Unplugged from the world and just spit nails in my free time.

Go on take everything
Take everything
I dare you to

It took awhile to get back to balance. I literally had to rebuild my ability to trust and to love. To stop scanning people's words for hidden agendas, to stop automatically thinking they were working an angle. To stop hating people.

I told you from the start
Just how this would end
When I get what I want
When I never want it again

And I did. I still struggle sometimes. I still hold back and push away. And the anger is well, still arousable. But I can love and trust. Freely and completely on good days. And the good days outnumber the bad. And on the bad, I can make them good. And be FREE OF THIS, this energy behind this song.

But, in the end, I had to break up with Hole's music and Courtney Love. Seriously, after this, it all went south for her and the band. Currently, she makes the news for displaying various stages of recovery from her herion addiction. But, her music never got much better. But I did.

So, what music did you really really love, but then had to break up with?

And why?

Just a note few things about this video:

1. It is a lot of images, some of which are not gentle
2. There is some burlesque, not performed all that well.
3. Seriously, what the hell, this is what use to drive me?
4. I have only seen the video, for the first time, yesterday.

5. If watch the video without the sound, you can still get the point I am making here.



Hole - Violet
Uploaded by Hellheaven