Sunday, January 4, 2009

Breaking open the female mind: Weight edition



A conversation occurred between me and my mom the other day. The subject was a family member. My cousin has been living with the same girl, Marla, for about six years. I see her sometimes, at family gatherings. I like this girl. I want her to be married into the family.

Marla is the only one with artistic sensibilities in our family. Besides me. I like her. A lot.

But, considering that her dog moved into my cousin's house before she did, I doubt he is going to marry her. Which makes me sad. What makes me sadder is her weight. Like me, Marla has struggled. We have both been through weight watchers. We shared this with each other. It is an act of trust, sharing this with another woman. Very, very scary. It is opening up venerable spots and saying, here, take a look.

I have maintained the thirty five pound weight loss. She, on the other had, has exploded.

I was discussing this with my mom. How sad I feel, how powerless. I want her to be with me, now that we live in the same town. I want her to start again, on the road of being healthy. And I am powerless to help her.
This is where my mom jumps in:

"I don't know WHY you feel sorry for HER! She has a great job, she is really good person. She is a really NICE GIRL! Why do you think she NEEDS HELP?!! SHE'S A GOOD PERSON, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT SHE IS UNHAPPY? She looks happy, she obviously is!"

Discussing weight issues with my big mom is well, pointing out the elephant in the room. This defense of Marla's character is an attempt at redirection from the real issue. The real issue is how big she is. The fact of the matter is, there is shame there. This is what women feel.

I can tell you right now, no woman is happy underneath a heavy weight. Especially this woman. I hadn't seen how far she had exploded, how much weight she had gained. And when I saw her, she didn't make eye contact. Talked very fast and left the room and then the house. She hunched, she blustered. I felt bad for her. We both felt this uncomfortable energy. Yuck.

There is nothing worse than having another woman feel sorry for you because you are chubby. It is demeaning in a way.

But, I felt bad for her. Not sorry for her. I did not pity her. She has been through weight watchers. She has seen the light. She just needs to find it again. And this will only happen when she is ready, when she wants to. Until then, I see her pain on display and I feel bad.
All of this relates to what this post is really about.

ME.

I feel myself falling of the wagon. I am eating too much, my belly is gr owing, I feel down and sluggish. And even though I am still 35 pounds lighter, I need to attack a second level here.

Reinforcing the healthy house of Hall. Building up what is standing but shaky.

With that being said, here are the stats:

Mrs. Hall

Height 5'5"

Weight 139.2

BMI: 23.9
Percentage body fat: 25%

I will blog each week, on Wednesdays,about what is going on in this area of my life.


Should be a good read.


And for the love of God. Leave comments. Supportive wonderful comments.


It scares me, this stuff. Scares me a lot.

12 Left a message at the beep:

Big Pissy said...

*sigh*

It IS scary....I know exactly what you mean.

My mother (RIP) was obese. Weighed around 220 at 5 feet tall. She was miserable and died at age 47.

I know better than to let my weight get away from me. Yet I continue to loose 20 - 25 pounds every few years and then gain 10 back.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself or making excuses.

I know what I have to do.

Good luck!

I look forward to reading your Wednesday posts. :)

Michelle said...

Hi Holly,
Good luck!! You are way to strong of a woman to even need that to be said but here i say it!

I have lost 30lbs over the last year. I need to keep it off and for me the only way is exercise!! DAILY!

But, you know this too!!

So, i am here for you if you need to vent!!!

Holly Hall said...

Pissy: Yes, the key I think, is getting to the root of things. Losing and gaining well, it well, a pattern.

My goal here is to fucking drop the part of me that says, "oh, I am healthy now, I can have six cookies." Or, "I am healthy now, I can eat whatever I want for day."

This is feeding my ill health. It is me not loving me.

OK! good stuff! yay, blogger support!!!

Michelle: Yay! another woman blogger on the path of health! And you are runner no? YAY!

:)

B.E. Earl said...

My lady and I are gonna lose a bunch of weight this year. Hopefully. We started today.

As for your weight...the stats seem about right for your height and from the pics you have posted it doesn't seem to me like you need to lose any chub. But whatever makes you happy. Just don't get "too" skinny, ya know.

Good luck.

Holly Hall said...

Hey Earl: Good luck on the weight loss.

I hate to break it to you, but beer is liquid bread. Just a tip.
Not to say that one can't inbibe in moderation.

Anywho-at this point, there isn't much to lose for me, except the last bit of well, holding on to a whole lot of nothing.

So-at this point, for me, it isn't about losing weight, but gaining strength.

rawwrrr!!

:)

Mrs. Hall

James said...

yeah that post was profound...when Laundry Fairy used to ask me "would you still love me if I was fat?"
I always say no, no way.
When a woman asks that they are really asking "is it Ok if I get fat now?"
I hope your friend can find her inner strength again.
Personally I have the opposite kind of problem. If I don't excercise I actually lose weight and my appetite goes. I guess my system is kind of self-regulating that way.
But that doesn't mean I can't join you Holly. I have some health issues and need to get back on the straight and narrow.
I have been meaning to start running again. My friend Terri who's blog you may have seen is a new runner.
maybe I could do a wednesday post too.

James said...

Hey Holly a post of yours has appeared in my "updates" but when I visit your blog or try to click directly on the update it says it does not exist! It is the "temperature" one with a picture of something organic i'm not sure what on the side...
Is it a draft or a deleted post or something?

GeologyJoe said...

Good luck. My mom recently lost some weight with this philosophy
'eat less and move around more.'
this is my 2009 plan.

Holly Hall said...

James: That is funny, how you answer LF's question. And seriously, good answer.

AND please do a wednesday's post about your health! Yipee! I've started a trend!

Geo-Joe: Oh, that is such a guy comment. There is so much tied into weight with women. Well, women who are prone to having issues tied to their weight. Such as me.

But perhaps this is the trap. If I think that this whole re-attacking my wieght issues will be tied to other issues, it will be harder than it is. So, maybe you are right.

eat less, move more

that is a good mantra!

ok then!

:)

Slyde said...

ive always looked at it this way...

my definition of "fat". When you look in the mirror, are you happy with yourself? if you are truly happy with yourself, then no matter WHAT your weight, you are not fat in my book.

Bruce said...

5'5" and 139lbs .... ? Gezz, you are a twig! 35 more lbs would have put you at close to 190...now that would have been heavy. Anything below 140 should be pretty good.

Holly Hall said...

Slyde: I think of fat in terms of more emotional health. And in that department, I can use some improvement. :)

Bruce: It is 5'4" actually. And yes, I was about the 180-190 range. And I don't want to get back there. I won't get back there I mean. The goal of this is to enhance the health that is there!!

:)

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