I got really drunk last night.
I've always prided myself on being the type of person who doesn't start out a story that way, yet, there it is.
Last night I made myself a cosmo from this bottle after the kids went to bed. Only, we didn't have a cosmo glass.
We do have a big brandy sifter (like the one in the photo uptop) and thus I used that.
We put in a movie. I sipped. I probably should have stopped when my lips got tingly and numb. But there was still half the sifter left. Then the top of my thighs started going numb too. Then everything got really funny. I was giggly and floppy and sexy all at the same time.
It was really, really nice. And funny. I am normally a very VERY giggly girl, but get me a little sauced and I laugh 50 times more. It was really nice being drunk.
Because the day before I went to yoga, the yoga with the heated room.
Before we began class, the teacher said, "Please take a few minutes to dedicate your practice today. Think about whatever brought you to the mat and let it be your purpose for the next hour." So I closed my eyes and chose 'healing'.
It was a really hard class. It was the advanced class and I was really working hard at the poses. Plus the temp is like 100 degrees and sweat was pouring off me. Then there was this pose, the half pigeon pose.
During that pose, while my chest and head were laying on the mat, that's when the teacher spoke up. She likes to read from a book call, "Meditations from the Mat".
She said, "Yoga teaches us to accept ourselves as who we are. We are perfect just the way we are. We do not need be more than we are."
Yep..... THAT'S WHEN I STARTED SOBBING AND CRYING AND DAMMIT RIGHT THERE ON THE MAT I LOST IT .... Of course I had to hold it in and do all these silent sob vibrating chest bobs. But, all sorts of stuff was coming out.
It's the "We do not need to be more than we are." That got me.
Because I have spent the last six or seven months in this race to get pregnant, stay pregnant, recover from my miscarriage, then another try for another one, then lose that pregnancy. And now I have to wait three months, then two to try again.
I have been measuring my life in ovulation cycles and 28 day calenders. Only I don't have to. I don't have to put all this weight on myself. I can just be. I can just be me with my awesome two kids and husband is beyond the best and I can just be.
Because I don't have to be more than I am. I don't have to be pregnant or waiting until I can try again, checking off the days.
I can just be me, because I don't have to be more.
AND THAT MY FRIENDS, that revelation right there, that deserved a round of drinks indeed!! :)
drinks are on me!
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