Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Big Throbbing Heart



The blog. It stands neglected.

I have so much to say and I just don't have time for graceful posts. So, instead, I'll just spill it all out.

I was at walgreens yesterday. This maybe tmi but, it was me in the aisle of feminine only products because everything is flipping over to normal. Normal I say. That word is just succulant. For the first time since I lost the baby, I actually feel normal. Normal and capable of doing what what a woman's body does. It's like I've been frozen in a hunk of plastic, suspended and dummified. It felt unreal.

This past month is over. I am now in charge of me again. It feels so much better.

And now it's all resetting and oh my god I started to cry in walgreens. I was so overwhelmed. Part of me thought that I just wasn't capable of being a woman, in that way, anymore. Which is irrational but healing from a miscarriage is not a rational process. And then I thought about the word capable. And I realize I've been putting myself through an unspoken ugly. Silently telling myself bad things.

But this wasn't my fault. It just wasn't time. I'm not defective. And this was what I was thinking in walgreens. I'm glad I had my extra dark sunglasses on because I was crying kind of hard by then. Silently though. Ninja like.

And this month we can try again. But the next you will hear of this is a photo of me super preggies. Like 8 months along. :)

13 Left a message at the beep:

The Savage said...

Hugs and tasty, sweet, yummy carbs!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

There is nothing to say. Only that we hope you can feel our loving support and hugs.

Mrs. Hall said...

Hugs and carbs to both of you!!! :)

xoxoxoxoxo!!!

:)

Heff said...

Hey. You're a woman. You'll crack and give daily updates next time too. Good Luck : )

Mrs. Hall said...

WILL NOT!!!

seriously, offt!! :)

Bruce said...

Shhhhh, yeah.....right.....like you can keep a secret for 8 months.......NOT!

Mrs. Hall said...

you people have no faith in the secret keeping of Mrs. Hall!!

WE SHALL SEE!!

Mrs. Hall said...

Mr. Hall agrees with the guys. He thinks I'll keep it a secret for a week.

jeez.

no faith here.

;)

Heff said...

It's NOT a Holy Alliance, we just KNOW how women are, lol !!!

Mrs. Hall said...

;)

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Only a hug will suffice...words would be too weak.

Mrs. Hall said...

Hugs to you Blue

xoxoxo to everyone else too :)

savannah said...

xoxoxoxo

because i know. you have my heart, sugar.


(it's been a while since i've stopped by and maybe only yesterday. be well.)

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