Dear people trying to sell me your house:

Dear people trying to sell me your house:

First, let me say, I know your pain. Having recently sold my house, I realize that one must take it on the chin. It is a buyer's market out there. So please, just bend over and get it over with.

We are all adults here. We have to realize that a real estate transaction is just a transfer of property. A house is just a property. No more, no less. A property you devalued by your crappy interior decorating choices.

Which is fine. Go ahead and crap up your house. I care not. Unless I like your house. If I like your house and you crapped it up, then I get angry. Because if I likes your house, I've already claimed it. And that means you fricked up my house. Which makes me angry. Grrrr...rrr..

You don't want to see me angry.



This kitchen right here, this makes me angry.



There is no cause for two tone cabinet doors. Ok simmer Ms. Hulk, ehh..I mean Mrs. Hall, simmer . . it's gonna be ok . .

Then there is this:



That is from a house I have personally been through. Their reckless and somewhat insane use of color has devalued the house. Cheap ceiling fans... crown molding made of plastic . . . ok simmer... simmer Ms. Hulk. . I mean Mrs. Hall...

Now, I understand everyone has their own sense of style. But, when selling your house, you don't matter any more. You or your cheap ceiling fans. Or painted doors in every room.

That's right, you don't matter anymore because the house is not you. It is property you are selling. Your personal sense of style is making people throw up. And delaying the sell of your house.

I'll give you a minute to mourn that fact.



See now, doesn't that feel better, having a sad? And it's not so bad. Even though you used SHOWER CURTAINS AS WINDOW TREATMENTS IN THE LIVING ROOM doesn't mean it's over.

I am still looking at your house. Still thinking about buying it. I promise I can try to look past your white trash taste. AND UTTER FAILURE AT YOUR DIY UPDATES.

But then you give me this.



Are you trying to hurt me?

I mean, that fireplace is just magnificent. All those shades of brown. And hard wood floors?!!! Those lovely hard wood floors! Then you pick the one color that would fight with that fireplace. AND fight with the floors.

You choose a CRAYOLA BLUE!! You realize that is just nasty right? RIGHT??!!!

So now I am forced to envision my lovely tush, planted on my RICH DARK BROWN, LEATHER, lazy boy couch, NEXT TO THAT GLORIOUS FIREPLACE!! Only my fantasy is being effed up cause I would have to repaint everything.

Why FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY!!??? Why do you make this harder than it needs to be? Why don't you clean up your stupid decorating and do it right before you sell your house.

You are all morons. From the bottom of the cake.

Gah.

GAH

GAHHH

ok simmer Ms. Hulk . . ehh, I mean Mrs. Hall . . . simmer . . . . calm down . . . it'll be ok . . .


Wait. Did I just . .


Wait...



Wait, what is this?? Wait do I see WALLPAPER BORDERS??!!!!!





SHE HULK SMASH!!!!