This email exchange took place recently between me and my husband.
I am not sure if my parent's are coming up this weekend. They kind of freaked out after their initial offer of help. Well, my mom freaked out. She said she doesn't know if she wants to go, she promised her friends she would go to breakfast after all.
She also said she and my dad are not getting along well. This is true. They are really kind of fighting in that passive aggressive ugly way. My Dad's natural tendencies of assholery are becoming unbridled. And when I am not there they have no control of Pancake and her antagonism of my Dad. She likes to poke at him, get physical. This upsets my Dad who does what he always does, yell and get loud.
Which I mean, we both know what is going on there. They have no control over her for a reason. They spoil her and don't enforce any rules. And she is a child.
But, despite this, I am fighting the urge to sort of blame myself for the ill feelings and communications between my parents. I mean, I do stir things up and I am starting to temper some of this. But, when I am hurting, like I was the last couple of days, I really just withdraw from them. I take me and the kids in another room. Take care of me and mine.
This has not let my mom feel supported. She sits alone with the HGTV and my dad swears downstairs.
And I thought we all had a breakthrough yesterday, when I started crying, asking for their help with packing up the house this weekend. And they did offer. But, it was short lived.
Basically, after I started the kid's bath, my mom was kind of crying on the couch. My Dad was down stairs. She was saying, "I don't want to go, your dad and I are not getting along." And she started crying harder and said, "I just can't take this anymore, between your Dad and Pancake and you guys living here." And I left the room. I just don't have the energy for that kind of thing.
I did approach her later, and basically said it's ok if they don't come, you and I will be ok. That I didn't mean to start a big drama by asking for their help.
She said I didn't start anything by asking. That helped. But, as is her usual, she didn't want to talk about it. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!! I am sure when I get home tonight it will be just fine, she'll be all happy and chipper, like nothing happened. I am glad I am not the only to see these goddamn moodswings. I am glad you see them too.
Which is fine really. I mean, I feel fine. I let out some hurt and sadness. They listened. And they continue to fail miserably at what I need. But they listened and gave me a bit of sympathy.
And that is all I needed cause DAMN!! I feel sooo much better today.
I feel energized and ok with the looseness of all of this. I mean, there is no list, no time line. Progress is slow and sputtering. But, it's happening. Bit by bit it will get done.
I love you and am so glad you are my husband.
to which he responded
L- I was all like ugg when you mentioned bringing both parents anyways. Diminishing returns et al. You just come down with the kids. We’ll get some stuff done while they play. Kid’s museum. Family time away from your parents. I’m only going to work tue-thu now generally. Bring minivan without third seat so we can pack it up for return trip. Things will be fine babe. We just need to keep clear heads above the chaos. It’s not so bad really. Just hard when we are drained of energy to start. LU and you’re the best.
. . . . . and that's is why I am married to mr. hall . . . . .