my favorite dress:
I know that to get through this, my third miscarriage, I need to turn towards it, not away. This is why I write this. Right here.
The more I write, the more I explore, the better this will get. If I stuff it down it decays. Then it rises up all Zombie like. Which is gross and not helpful.
Yesterday, I went to the hospital and things went better. The images are cleaner and don't haunt me as much. I knew what to expect with this d & c. The nurses were chipper and helpful. There were some tears but nothing like the howl fest of Monday. I am breathing again. I even dropped my daughter off at vacation bible school.
I told her yesterday. I told her that I went to the doctor and found out the baby didn't make it. We cried together. Then she said, "I'm never gonna get a bunk bed!"She was going to get a bunk bed to share with her brother so the baby could have a room all to him/herself. When she said this, she made me laugh. Kids are very self focused. :) She'll be fine. :)
Anyway, today, I am incredibly sore and crampy today. It's a good sore though. Makes sense kind of sore. Which is awesome. Things making sense is awesome.
I restarted weight watchers. I will restart vinyasa (hot) yoga next week. I am making an effort today to reach out to friends. Making plans for a bbq/pool get together. A small one anyway.
Life moves on. I am going to give away all my maternity, baby and toddler clothes soon. We have like 6 storage totes full of the stuff. I will pack them up and give them to goodwill. Mr. Hall says I need to wait though. At least a week. I'll just have to trust him on that.
I like having projects though. Lists of stuff to do to keep my busy. Down time is a killer. Thoughts well up, images flash in my mind. gah. I understand the delay though. I know I'm not thinking right right now. I can't trust everything I think or feel.
I am doing a lot of praying. Which is a struggle. I live in a lot of denial so I have to remember to reach above because I don't always feel the pain underneath. When I reach above the pain lessens and I feel better. It's amazing.
I can say this. When I woke up in recovery, from the surgery, I felt kind of righteous. I thought, we're not done yet, we're not done growing our family. When things are better, when more mourning has commenced, when I feel some semblance of getting to the other side, that is when we start looking at our other options.
Because we're not done yet. Mr. Hall agrees:
"Our family is awesome and there's not enough of us!"
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7 Left a message at the beep:
I am just so full of admiration. You are being magnificent. I'd be on the floor - and then some. Despite everything I did find myself smiling at your daughter's practical approach. Anything else I write will seem trite so I stop here.
it's ok to be trite ya know. i've also found that saying ridiculous things can be helpful.
hugs.
Your family IS absolutely too awesome not to be shared with other little spirits...and how they get there, well, that's up to you, Mr. Hall, & God, but I know that once they arrive, a smorgasbord of love will gobsmack them right upside the heart.
:)
Mr. Hall is right.
And you? Are one strong, righteous mama. I'm sending love to you!
Cam and Cha Cha: thank you both, love back at ya!
This is what I have learned about your.....you just can't sit still and take your time, you always have to have wheels in motion......I think you need to get back to hot yoga ASAP and take extra classes.
hot yoga STARTS SUNDAY FOR ME. I would have started it friday, but the doctor is making me wait!!
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