I know that to get through this, my third miscarriage, I need to turn towards it, not away. This is why I write this. Right here.
The more I write, the more I explore, the better this will get. If I stuff it down it decays. Then it rises up all Zombie like. Which is gross and not helpful.
Yesterday, I went to the hospital and things went better. The images are cleaner and don't haunt me as much. I knew what to expect with this d & c. The nurses were chipper and helpful. There were some tears but nothing like the howl fest of Monday. I am breathing again. I even dropped my daughter off at vacation bible school.
I told her yesterday. I told her that I went to the doctor and found out the baby didn't make it. We cried together. Then she said, "I'm never gonna get a bunk bed!"She was going to get a bunk bed to share with her brother so the baby could have a room all to him/herself. When she said this, she made me laugh. Kids are very self focused. :) She'll be fine. :)
Anyway, today, I am incredibly sore and crampy today. It's a good sore though. Makes sense kind of sore. Which is awesome. Things making sense is awesome.
I restarted weight watchers. I will restart vinyasa (hot) yoga next week. I am making an effort today to reach out to friends. Making plans for a bbq/pool get together. A small one anyway.
Life moves on. I am going to give away all my maternity, baby and toddler clothes soon. We have like 6 storage totes full of the stuff. I will pack them up and give them to goodwill. Mr. Hall says I need to wait though. At least a week. I'll just have to trust him on that.
I like having projects though. Lists of stuff to do to keep my busy. Down time is a killer. Thoughts well up, images flash in my mind. gah. I understand the delay though. I know I'm not thinking right right now. I can't trust everything I think or feel.
I am doing a lot of praying. Which is a struggle. I live in a lot of denial so I have to remember to reach above because I don't always feel the pain underneath. When I reach above the pain lessens and I feel better. It's amazing.
I can say this. When I woke up in recovery, from the surgery, I felt kind of righteous. I thought, we're not done yet, we're not done growing our family. When things are better, when more mourning has commenced, when I feel some semblance of getting to the other side, that is when we start looking at our other options.
Because we're not done yet. Mr. Hall agrees:
"Our family is awesome and there's not enough of us!"