Monday, July 18, 2011

I'm shutting the door for a reason


Much as I feared. Went back to work and . . .


The email that announced my miscarriage. So I spent the day traumatizing people with the news as they looked horror stricken and then tried to lean in for hugs or something.

Spent the day hiding. With my office door shut. I'd open it for patients of course. But I didn't want coworkers to stop by. Some ignored the shut door and knocked anyway. I gave minimal eye contact and said cliche things.

Then, Mr. Hall and I talked when I got home. confirming our plans to not get pregnant again. Then we talked about adopting. Foster to adopt. He wants to wait. Which I understand. I'm not anywhere near ready to start researching yet.

Except I have. I've been reading books on the subject for years. Even back when I was fully fertile and exploding with babies. He said we have to wait six months. It's true. I'm nowhere near the healing.

Then he said, "ya know" "we'll eventually have to stop somehow." Meaning we just can't be adding children forever. Which really sucker punched me.

What the hell else am I suppose to be doing if I'm not adding children to The Tribe Called Hall?

Develop more flavors?

Alright, off to dinner with some women from my church.


7 Left a message at the beep:

Caz said...

Oh my friend!! I just caught up now. I am so so so sorry. I don't know what to say. What the hell is there to say? Lying there while they searched for the heartbeat. Impending sense of dread. The worst moment of my life. the moment that haunts me always. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Ah I wish I could say something. The only thing to say is that your baby is in Heaven and you'll see him/her some day. Thinking of you xxx

Mrs. Hall said...

hugs to you Caz!

it's getting better.

i promise.


Slyde said...

i'm so sorry, honey.

See, i dont come around for a bit and then i read this...

hang in there, kid..

Lotus07 said...

I can empathize on only one thing here. No one reads my e-mails either. I could write a note to the whole office saying the bomb explodes at 3:14pm.....send it out the day before, and every last co-worker would is sooo frustrating.

Hang in door is closed more than it is open.

white rabbit said...

I do find the no-one reading the e-mail thing weird. Maybe that's just me, though. I can't leave anything unread in my inbox and now I've got 2 e-mail streams on my iPhone I can indulge my addiction absolutely anywhere.

Consider yourself remaining admired.

wv: hydrocy

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I can't believe no one read your email. GARGH!

Mrs. Hall said...

WR: I work with older people who DON'T GET OUTLOOK, LIKE HOW IT WORKS AND CRAP. gah.

GG: yeah I know

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