When I started this blog I noticed a trend of turning things around midpost. I would start out troubled then work my way up. Surfacing on the better side.
I started blogging about my fifth pregnancy and labeled it "elephants are pregnant for over a year". Sadly, that pregnancy, at 17 weeks, is now lost.
So how can I turn this post into a positive? Well, let me give it my best shot.
Went into the ob today. She tried listening to the heart beat with a doppler. She couldn't find it. She checked me, all good. Then she said, let's try an ultrasound to check things out.
This was a routine appt that Mr. Hall didn't come to. So I waited in the waiting room for about an hour then they called me back. I read People magazine and texted stuff to him. He texted back his love. I texted as I was going in, "It's my turn now". He wrote back "luzzu".
In the ultrasound room I lowered my maternity pants and she smeared the jelly. I saw my baby up there, being very still. She scanned this way and that way. I stared very hard, but there was no heart beating. Finally, without me asking, she said, "I don't see a heart beat." And I lost my shit.
Spasmodic, raking waves of sobbing came over me. My entire body just shook and sputtered as tear poured from my eyes. She said she was so sorry. I couldn't talk back. Then she calmly asked me to hold still, "Just ten more seconds". I was mashing a tissue into my eyes. I couldn't look.
She called the doctor in and said some things. Like the baby is measuring 13 weeks. "It should be 17 weeks", the doctor volleyed back. So the baby stopped growing a month ago. Right after my first check up.
They were done scanning me. I collected myself enough to begin to wipe the jelly and sit up. I asked my options. I asked why I had still been so sick. I mean, my morning sickness just ended a week ago. "Your placenta is still functioning", she said.
I then followed the doctor into the next room, trying not to cry in the hallway. She said, "I'll have my nurse schedule the d and c and give you a moment to make a phone call." I sat down and she shut the door. I started to howl and twist.
I held my phone, not calling anyone. Then I called Mr. Hall.
I've had a few hours to process all of this. I can say the pain is still so raw and it seizes me. Tomorrow I go and have everything taking care of. Tomorrow is the last day of my pregnancy.
I can everyone is being so nice. The doctors and nurses all want to hug me and rub my back. My family is calling and texting in drooves. I don't really answer anyone right now. I can't quite talk yet.
I can say this is my third miscarriage. I can say that I've been through this enough to know my shit will not be straight for quite some time. I can say this is the last time at bat for us. We won't be trying again. This pregnancy was the last great elephant. That's not to say we won't be growing our family, just not through pregnancy anymore.
Which leads me to this.
This is Mac and Pancake, ring bearer and flower girl at my brother's wedding. Our son and daughter.
They are more than I could have ever dreamed of.
They are where I begin to turn this around.