My mother in law didn't come to our wedding. On purpose.
She's a little crazy. She has a lot of cats. Lives alone in a five bedroom house. A house that is so filled with stuff- she needs extra storage sheds. Her crazy is not certifiable though. It's just a little crazy. Not enough to be called the crazy cat lady. Not enough to get on hoarders.
The crazy bubbled up really big around the time of our wedding. But not enough crazy though. She didn't come to our wedding on purpose. It was a choice.
A month after we got married, we gathered for Thanksgiving. I brought wedding pictures for her to see. I brought the photos because I still loved her. My cup of Mr. Hall love runneth over onto all his family. Still does.
But here's the thing. It's ten years later and I still can't make eye contact with her. It is still so harsh to be in the same house with her. Unbearable Tension. So much unspoken. Even though I've seen here about once a month since the wedding, it's never been said out loud. She didn't come to our wedding on purpose. So when I see her, I usually get drunk. This is no good.
I don't think I've ever talked about how that hurt me. I was so busy forgiving her and trying to be the better woman, making sure the grand kids know her, that I forgot to let it hurt. So that's what I've been doing the last couple of weeks. And I've been praying to find forgiveness for her. It's working, this process.
I'm feeling so much better about the whole thing.
So here is my plan for my mother in law (and Thanksgiving).
My plan is to knock it off, stop acting like I have been. When I go there, to my mother in law's house, I'll put away my phone. I will stay sober and breathe. I will turn my attention to God and let the love flow through me. My plan is to be still, to be near this woman. To be available for her. In her own weird ways, she has tried to reach out to me. So now I'll be reachable if she needs me.
I know all of this is possible. I just have to let it happen, trust and let God work through me.
And so it shall be.
Happy Thanksgiving all :)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Labels: god help me