This blog meant to tell my story. And now my story includes a miscarriage. So here I go.
On Tuesday we went to the first OB appointment. They did an early ultrasound. Everything was going well. Then the tech said, "The baby is measuring 6 weeks. And there is no heartbeat". Which means that two weeks ago, for whatever reason, the baby stopped growing. The baby was gone.
Then my head took over and explored the options. I could take some medicine to help facilitate the passing of the baby at home. Or, I go under anesthesia and they would complete the process.
In all honestly, I didn't want to do either. Yet, the fact of the matter is, is that the baby was gone. Fetal demise in utero they said.
Then they sent me home to think about it. That's when I watched the Watchmen again. There was a lot of hot boiling tears, anger and sad going on. The movie helped distract me. Because I needed my head to figure this out. Before my heart took over.
I went in for the surgery. It went well. I cried when I say they brought me to my "surgical suite". I cried when they had me change into a gown. I cried when they started the IV. I cried when they wheeled me into the operating room. I didn't want to do this. Mr. Hall was holding my hand the entire time. I didn't want to do this. And I cried and sobbed. I didn't want to do this. Then I went to sleep.
And when I woke up I remembered this song. A song I haven't heard in over 10 years. Yet there it was, clear as if I had heard it that morning. It was the beginning of my heart taking over.
"I'm stretched out on your grave"
It's a dark song. Reading through the lyrics now, I realize that this song is all about her losing a little girl. I like the part where she sings "I would have sheltered you through rain and through storm." Because that's what I would have done for this baby. Still would.
And my heart, right now, it's just breaking right now.
Then, I remember. Healing is not a linear process. There will be good days and bad days. Good hours and bad hours.
Then my head takes over again. I remind myself that life is all around me. That I believe we are all part of a bigger life force. All the trees and plants and everything around us is connected by an unstoppable and interconnected life force. And for 6 weeks the baby's life force was growing inside me. And I housed her well.
The reality is, is that the baby stopped growing. For two weeks she was already gone. Her life force had been reabsorbed by this vast universal energy. And my body had been carrying on, like nothing happened. But she was still gone.
Then then my heart takes over again. But this time, my unstoppable, relentless, positive and thankful energy is taking over.
When Mr. Hall and I got married, we purposefully formed a family. Him and me. And we had decided to add at least three more to this tribe. We made this commitment to be parents even before the babies were conceived.
They were real before any positive pregnancy tests. Two of them are here now, running around and driving us crazy in the most wonderful ways. There were real before they were born because they grew in our hearts first.
This third baby, that we just lost, wasn't meant to be ours. Yet here's the thing. The third baby was already here, full grown in our hearts. But now she's smaller. A wee bit of a thing. But she's still here. Waiting to grow again. Only different next time.
So, for the next two months- I pamper myself. I will go back on weight watchers, yoga and spend time growing with my new friends. I will soak up this spring weather. I will drink lots of booze. I will let all of these emotions-- good, bad, ugly and beautiful wash over me. Because even though I don't want to be on this journey, I'm here.
And so is Mr. Hall.
And this next song, this song is for him. Because we are doing ok, we are healing together. And I want to thank him for being with me through this. For letting me be there for him.
This will make all the difference I think. Being thankful and listening to each other.
so here's where I end this one and last post about baby the third.
the song is called
"Thank you for hearing me"
Before you press play, I suggest you curl up with your partner, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband. Snuggle and turn this song up. Because it is the most thankful song I have ever heard.
Heck, snuggle with your dog or cat if noone else is home. Even a pillow will do in a pinch.
And thank you guys, for reading this. It's a tough subject to talk about. Thank you for reading me.
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