I think I'm gonna like it here

It has been two weeks now, with use in the new house. It’s a quad level so the kids can run up and down the stairs, chasing each other until the fall down into fits of laughter. Then they cry out to be tickled and tossed around.

They are having such fun discovering all the nooks and crannies. All kinds of places to play hide and seek.

And then, tonight, when I was putting Pancake to bed, she says,

“Momma . . .”

And I say, “Yes Sweetie.”

“I love my new room Momma, thanks for buying us a house.”

I hugged her really tight and tried not to cry it was so sweet.

;)

Touching God in Dark Places

We are now trying to conceive our third child. And within the next week, the sentiment goes from ‘we're trying to get pregnant’ to ‘this is when it could happen’. Or, as Mr. Hall says,

"Game on!"

I am very thankful I started this blog after my two children were born. Now I can write our stories better. Beyond the cold hard facts I mean. Watch how the stories change throughout this post.

Pancake was conceived on a Sunday night after an episode of X-files. We had been married about 4 months. There was a beige futon involved. When I took the pregnancy test, it was a Saturday morning. The toilet seat had cracked the night before and it pinched my tush.

When the test turned positive I plotzed. I didn’t believe it. I called the nurse help line and asked if I should have a blood test to make sure. I called my friends and my mom. It stunned me for a long time. An excited stunned, but I was stunned none the less.

Mac was conceived on a Monday morning after we dropped Pancake off at day care. We were in the lower level guest bedroom in our first house. We were really, really tired, but it was fun none the less.

When that test turned positive, I was in my kitchen. I did a little jig and called Mr. Hall. He was not as shocked or surprised. But I was. I was happy and more relaxed but it was still a matter of-"I can’t believe it worked!"

With both pregnancies, the state of shock wore off when zombie like exhaustion and nausea become my constant companions. Nothing takes pregnancy from an abstract thought to an unrelenting and bone crushing reality, faster than that. But really, this time around, I am prepared for all if it. I have learned to nap sitting in my office chair. I have learned to puke with ninja like precision. No biggie :)

So let me start talking about our next baby. Who is already here by the way. The kids have always been here, even before they were conceived. It's just a matter of when they will arrive. Because they are here right now, in our hearts.

This next baby will be conceived a bit differently. This time I am just letting go and letting it all happen. Without ovulation charts, without obsessing. I'm letting the miracle happen, as is.

Which really, it’s happened that way in the first place, twice.

Becoming pregnant is a largely invisible process. I cannot make any of this happen by planning or sheer force of will. It's a matter of turning my body over to the divine and letting her unseen magic whirl within.

This is the pigeon pose by the way. I pose I did this morning. Go yoga!

All of this is coming from us and outside us. All at the same time. For us, first came the love, then came the marriage, then came the baby in the baby carriage.

And make no mistake, there is no love like married love. Living together doesn’t even come close. At least not for us. Then there is the love I have for him- because he made me pregnant. Our babies grew inside my belly because of him. There are no words for this. Just paroxysms of joy and permeated bliss.

Which I find myself feeling, over and over again, in the dark. We turned off the lights and we crawl into bed, feeling the warmth of our dark red comforter. We nuzzle and spoon in our cherry wood sleigh bed. Our babies snoozing sleepily across the hall. Babies we birthed. All of us here, home.

In the dark, during these nights, I feel whole and full of God’s grace. I feel the swirling energy emanating from inside and outside our bodies. In the dark, when we are bound round each other, smooshed and warm, I feel touched by the hand of God. I feel the miracle of our marriage. A miracle we've been blessed with.

And maybe, just maybe, before next month, we will be blessed with yet another miracle still.

Mary, the new secretary at work, is working my last nerve

First, let me clarify something. Mary isn’t the new secretary, just new to me. I’ll be working between two clinics, starting today. Mary works the front desk at my new clinic.

And.

As of right now, Mary is working my last nerve.

Lord help me, here goes.

First of all, she called me during my vacation last week. Which is not that big of a deal. Except she called twice.

The first call was ok. She wanted to know if I needed directions to the clinic or needed to know which door to come into. She wanted to let me know the ‘girls’ were ordering out for lunch so I needn’t bring one. Which is fine. Nice to see she is looking after things.

Except I already did a dry run to the clinic. Got my keys two weeks ago. I explain this to her. She doesn’t quite know how to take it. I thank her for her concern.

And the lunch? Gah. Everyone I work with , everyone who is female, is large and middle aged. This won’t happen to me because I yoga and weight watchers. So no, I don’t want to order out. Because the bigger women at my work order fatty yucky stuff. Stuff that makes you bloated and yuck. But, I say nothing. I will do my best to order out healthy. Not sure what I can do about preventing middle age though.

But then. Gah.

Lord help me, help me understand this woman

She didn’t take no for an answer. She kept pestering me about meeting me somewhere on the highway, or at the door and blah, blah, blah… it’s a small clinic people. Not a humungo hospital. There are like 10 parking spots total. And even if was a huge, mammoth hospital, I can figure it out. I talk her down. She chills and wishes me well. I thank her for her concern and politely hang up.

Then she calls me back.

THIS IS WHERE I START TO GET A LITTLE PISSY.

She says I need to know about my schedule. Did I know that I have THIRTEEN PATIENTS ON MONDAY AND OH MY GOD EIGHT NEW PATIENTS ON TUESDAY? She is in panic mode. Fuckin a’, I’m on vacation here Mary.

I tell her YAH, I KNOW MY SCHEDULE ALREADY. I have already prepped for my first day back. And really, I don’t care what’s on my schedule anyway. MY JOB IS TO SEE PATIENTS. I DON’T CARE WHO COMES IN. I have a certain amount of slots open AND REALLY, I HOPE THEY ALL GET FILLED CAUSE IT’S MY JOB. To see patients. I talk her down YET AGAIN. And then hang up.

I really like a full schedule. I like being busy. And working in a mental health clinic, it makes sense to pack your schedule because half the patients no show anyway. It’s just the nature of who we work with.

Also, I am a nurse. Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner even. I can handle anything. It’s a matter of training and my innate laid back personality traits. And nothing really rattles me.

That is the truth by the way. Nothing rattles me while I am on the job.

Except Mary rattles me.

Lord help me accept the things I cannot change . . . .

Mary is a unrepentant caretaker. I would bet a million dollars she has been in an abusive or co-dependant relationship. It appears she has an absolute need to mother hen those around her. And feels the consummate need to be taking care of. I am not interested in any of it.

And change the things I cannot accept . . .

So, I’ve got some extra work to do today. I have to let Mary know; in no uncertain terms, what I am interested in. I am interested in being left alone and to my own devices. I do not want my hand held. I do not want to be helped unless I ask.

The hard part of this task, is not being all girl about it. Women don’t talk to each other directly. We do a lot of communication in other ways. (don’t get me started on fucking postit notes).

I’ve worked with all men before. They talk to each other without saying things like, “I’m sorry but….” Or “Don’t be mad, but I . . .” and so forth. Men say stuff like, “Knock it off, you’re being a dumbass.” Or “Stop fucking with my stuff.” Then they do the guy nod and nothing more is said.

We, however, apologize all the damn time and often nothing is accomplished. Because we have to keep talking about it. Cause we are not direct communicators.

LIKE WHEN SHE CALLED ME TWICE.

And lord give me the wisdom to know the difference.

So, today, when I feel her smother hen energy come my way I will be direct and firm. I will put up my hand and say, “Mary, there is no need for that.” And if she continues to pester I will say, “Mary, knock it off, your working my last nerve! Step off!!”

Epilogue:

SIGH. Guess what else I learned during those phone calls?

The woman lives about two blocks away. Guess who I will be carpooling with two days a week??

Lord help us all ;)

Making breakfast, what would you like?

Morning all, making breakfast. What would you like this morning?

We have a fully stocked omelet bar, excellent selection of coffee and juices. And we have a crepe station.

We have warm apples, kijafa cherries or peaches with cream for the crepe filling.

And on the radio, we have the '70s station. Which is very easy and danceable listening. It's kind of creepy though, I mean, for some one my age. I recognize most of the songs I know are playing. Only it's not my songs, it the original versions of what I am familiar with.

Thankfully, no one has remade this song. Which had all of shaking our groove thang. And there is no doubt, we will be singing this all day ;)

This is why Mr. Hall loves me

As mentioned before, and I will say it again, Mr. Hall is an engineer.

The brain of Mr. Hall is complicated and takes a long time. Engineers see the unseen and logical connections between everything. Especially if it's mechanical. Thus, when buying a mechanical device, like an electric tooth brush or flat screen TV, he ponders endlessly.

And researches and researches. And compares and learns all he can. Plus he is thrifty to the point of maniacal. He finds it a moral and righteous victory when he buys quality on the cheap. All of which takes time and considerable mental effort on his part.

For me, I've learned to just sit back and chill. I cannot rush nor direct this process. Best just to enjoy the view. (click here for photos of such an event).

This week though, he fought his engineer nature. He went out to just two stores and bought a tv. Then he came home and said, "You have no idea how hard it was babe. I just went out and bought a TV." He looked tired and in pain. I gave him a hug and said, "Oh honey, I wish I could have been there, helping you." Then I massaged his temples because that's where he carries his stress.

Here is Mr. Hall in engineer mode. Examining and putting together vast continents built of logic and electrical supplies.



Then, last night, after five months of research and visits to endless stores and websites, he bought a fancy electric tooth brush. While I was giving it a whirl, he explained in great detail, the inner workings and seven million applicator heads. I listened earnestly. When he explains the secret life of machines, his eyes light up. And I get all sparkly.

Then he said, "I got it in the clearance bin, 50 % off!" He did a fist pump in the air.

And that's when I jumped up and down, emitting a wee squeal. So happy for him. Then we did the butt bump. Which I enjoy the most.

HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND EVERYONE!!

Now get out there and shake your rump!

Word Association: Warm (repost)

This was written about 10 months ago. I am now in the throws of moving into my own house. I do believe it is time to revisit this post. ;)

I sleep down below, in the basement. An electric blanket sits underneath the fitted sheet. This helps some. Sadly, it has a six hour shut off. When I wake, my muscles are all sore from the slight shivers. This all changes when Mr. Hall is here.

Sharing a bed was once cumbersome. I like to spread out. All the physical contact made me twitchy. I use to push the twitchy down deep, trying to make it disapear. Instead of vanishing, it made me bitey. While I slept, my body shoved. Jeff would wake up on the last sliver of the bed.

Then we had a baby, then another. My body began to open, to sink in. When he offered massages, I accepted. I became nonverbal with the melty it made me feel. I became a snuggler, a seeker of the spoon.

When he is here, the bed is softer. I feel his deep breathing while he slumbers. I feel his chest on my back. His arms are heavy, looping my waist. His legs crush me as they intertwine. All of this makes me warm. All of this heals my sore, my missing him. He makes the bed home.

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Word associated: Warm
Suggested by: James from England, his blog "Them's Private Thoughts"

Leave a word to be associated with- in the comments. Go on now, you can do it :)

Mr. Hall loves the flighty Mrs. Hall

Good morning campers!!!

Did everyone remember to set their clocks back? What? That was yesterday???

Why didn't anyone remind me? I figured it out though, after I started making breakfast for the wee Pancake. An hour early. She got to go back to bed. I can't get back to sleep so I'm writing this instead. :)



I am a flighty bird. Especially when I am the throws of moving into my new house. Oh Glory Day!!

This weekend, Mr. Hall and I removed copious amount of storage items from the storage sheds. He then busied himself with strapping things down to his handy dandy trailer. He adores that trailer and I must say, it is a very excellent one. Either way, it was a bit chillsters out and strapping things down is something I don't need to help with. So I stepped into the sun, closed my eyes and wandered off in my mind.

About five minutes later Mr. Hall says, "WHAT are you looking at?? What are you doing with you hands?"

I said, "I was on the beach at St. Tropez. Lounging in a beach chair, feeling the slightest cool breeze. I wasn't looking at anything, my eyes are closed while I soaked up the sun. Can you smell the sea salt? I am wearing my cutest bikini and listening to the waves of the ocean.", I motioned over to the highway. "Can you smell the coconut from our pina colodas? There right here, in my hands. I ordered you one." I held out my hand and indeed, Mr. Hall came over and reached for one.

So we stood in our fall jackets, all full of dust, cobwebs and moving, and he closed his eyes. And for a few minutes, we were on the beach.

Take care everyone and may you be moved where ever you wish :)