And that's when I snapped (snowblower addition)

These are from a series of emails between me and Mr. Hall. He's away on business for a while. Our snowblower is causing me to become unglued.

DAY ONE: MR. HALL ASKS HOW I'M HANDLING THE SNOW

yeah, snow. well, thanks to our neighbor, I know how to start the snowblower so it's all good. It does sputter and smell and sputter when I push it around. Is that normal? It still vexes me, the sputtering. I don't want to look like an idiot out there, with all the neighbor guys snow blowing. Plus, I need to work on my technique, aka NOT BLOWING SNOW WHERE I JUST PLOWED. HA! (notice I still have a sense of humor)

DAY TWO: THE SNOW STORM WILL NOT LET UP, I START TO SHOW SOME WEAR AND TEAR. I STOP CARING ABOUT SPELLING.

HEY BABE! NEED TIPS ON SNOWBLOWING! like where and how do I plow the driveway. do I start in the middle? towards the sides? do i plow parrellell to the garage door, or perpendicural?

For some reason, despite 18 emails exchanges that day, we don't actually address this question.

WHICH LEADS TO DAY THREE. I STRUGGLE WITH THE CONTROLS PICTURED BELOW. AND GET MORE DESPERATE.

I write to Mr. Hall:

I got up at 6 this am, I SUCK AT SNOWBLOWING!! It was taking so long, the snow was barely coming out of the shoot. A neighbor asked if I had it off of 'bunny mode.' But you told me that I don't move the lever from the bunny. Then THEN- that dial with the circle with the line through it, apparently after you start the snowblower you need to turn it to the LEFT otherwise the thing barely blows snow around.

GAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

HOW DO I SNOW BLOW THE DRIVEWAY WITHOUT BLOWING THE SNOW BACK WHERE I JUST SNOW BLOWED IT!!???!!!

ok. at work. getting it done and my shoulders are lowering. i just feel so self conscious and stupid with that snowblower. I have a master's degree. I should be able to figure out snowblowing!! aagghhheerreee!!!

Mr. Hall feels compelled to address this. Up until now he has mostly steered every conversation to um . . marital relations. He says . . .

So proud of youuuu. Just use logic babe. Remember that the chute does turn and angle. The plow comes down the street so you want to put most of the snow opposite the mailbox so the plow doesn't push it all back into the driveway. The knob with lines is called the choke. After a few minutes, turn the choke off and it will run much better. Safety first! Lumu

I write back:

OK yes, the chute turns and angles, got that.

I don't get what you are saying about the mailbox and stupid choke!

so I guess i still don't know which way to plow the driveway. up and down (from garage door to street with chute turned to the side l/r)?

little help with strategy please!!

And finally, after three days, I have the last piece of the snow blowing puzzle:

The mailbox needs to be clear for the mailman and the plow pushes from that way anyways. So try to blow all snow to the school side of the driveway. I start by making a wide path on left going down then blow strips horizontally. Try to not blow into the wind...

The mailbox needs to be clear for the mailman and the plow pushes from that way anyways. So try to blow all snow to the right side of the driveway. I start by making a wide path on left going down then blow strips horizontally. Try to not blow into the wind...

I WRITE BACK:

YA KNOW. PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA DO NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM. THERE IS NONE OF THIS GETTING UP AT THE BUTT CRACK OF DAWN, HAVING ICEY SNOW BLOWN DOWN THEIR SHIRTS AND EYES GET ALL WET WITH TEARS AS STRUGGLE WITH THE FRIGGIN BLOWER. THEY GET UP, THEY STRETCH, THEY GO TO THERE CAR AND GO.

ug.

I DO NOT LIKE THIS STATE.

AS SOON AS MY PARENTS DIE WE ARE SO MOVING!!

. . . . .

OK good ya'll! Something like 6 inches expected tomorrow. WISH ME LUCK!

dummies in the ditch

ENUFF with the melodrama of last day's post!!!



I use to get upset when my otherwise calm and kind husband would laugh and point and say, 'another dummy in the ditch'.

I mean, it's kind of mean.


but, I got to thinking, and I want to say to all the cars out there


We all live in this state, I know because no one has out of state licenses.


I know because I checked.


Snow, sleet and icey road conditions are do not qualify as a surprise


FOR ANY OF US.

so please, get off my ass, I can't see your headlights for goodness sake.


and stop acting all bad ass in your geo metro.


and if you don't, I will be forced to laugh and point, at you

the dummy in the ditch.

and now, if you'll excuse me, It's gonna take a while to get to work.


after all, I can only go 20 miles on the highway.


drive safe everyone

1. MAN! is it cold outside!

(all together now)

HOW COLD IS IT???

(ahem)

It's so cold that my windshield wiper fluid froze. THAT'S RIGHT! My wiper fluid. Yeah I know, wiper fluid has antifreeze in it. But, it never had a chance. It being day four of -35 degrees. Wait, I mean FUCKING THIRTY FIVE DEGREE BELOW FUCKING ZERO!

Had to throw some HEET on it. That worked actually. I heart HEET

2. MAN! It's cold outside!

(again, all together now)

HOW COLD IS IT???

It's so cold that the act of walking into work causes the cheeks to get all red and chapped. And I wear a face wrap thing, the kind that goes under ski helmets. Seriously, I ran the mail to another building and I got windburn on my cheek. Blistered and everything. Next time, I am sending the security guard to do it. On his off hours he runs a snow removal business. He makes more money then the doctors I bet. Either way, he is made of steel, this Mr. Clean.

3. MAN! It's cold outside!!

(again)

HOW COLD IS IT???

It so cold, that after I scraped the 4 inches of snow, excuse me FUCKING FOUR FUCKING INCHES OF GODDAMN FUCKING SNOW off my car that had accumulated while I worked, I still had to scrape a good 1/2 inch layer of frost and ice. Then I got in the car and realized, oh, I guess you can get frost on the inside of your windshield too. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. All that scraping the snow, um, I actually broke my scraper this morning. I mean, I think the snow can hear me. I mean, how else could that happen? Has anyone else broken their scraper??

I mean really, COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, let me apologize to the snow. I'm sorry snow.

Please don't snap my scrapers in half anymore. I mean, it's nothing personal.

BUT! Despite all this, I still got the Christmas Spirit!!

Oh baby oh baby!! I still feel the Christmas Joy!

And this is why . . . . . .

As Pancake and I were walking into a store I says:

4. "Pancake, It's sooo cold outside!

"Mommy, it's really cold! "

"It's so cold my butt fell clean off. Take a look back there, it's laying by the car. Can you see it Pancake?"

She looks back, looks at me, all devilish smile, all silly grin, "Don't worry Mom, I'll glue it back on!"

God, I love being a mom to a six year old. Good times ;)

AND THEN . . .

4. We bought sleds for the kids. They have been staring something fierce at the wee Pancake for a week. We live 2 blocks from a snow hill that she passes every morning. With it being too cold, all have been unused. If I was Pancake, I would not have been so polite for so long.

But she has been polite. And gentle in her pleas and wanting. Finally, I just couldn't take how nice she was taking it. She couldn't either. She broke down, I broke down. And I pulled her around the backyard, in the snow, for 15 minutes. Burnt the other cheek and almost broke the sled because the snow as so deep and frozen. Did I mention the snow was waist deep on me? I'm five four btw.

But man. We got back in and she was GLOWING! Hoping up and down.

HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP!!! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HOP HOP HOP!!!

So yes, I have the Christmas Spirit.

I hope you do to. If no, you can always borrow a cup when you stop by.

HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP!!!

Let's talk about my feelings about snow (nsfw due to swears)

Last winter, it snowed 350 inches. This is no joke. What that means, in real life terms, is that once or twice a week during winter, it snowed 6 or 7 inches. EVERY FUCKING WEEK. And then, on three separate occasions, it snowed a fucking FOOT AND MORE. In one day.

Now, I try to be a rational human being, I try to look at the brightside of all this. But fucking goddammit. I mean sure, the snow, so far, has been the dusty type. Which is fine. I still get to wear my cute boots. I can live in denial for a while. The kids look cute in there snow gear. But dammit, fucking five inches this morning. Which means I have to wear fucking ugly waterproof winter boots and sweaters. fuck. fuck. fuck.

Which is fine. I mean, last winter Mr. Hall was on a business trip during most of the winter storm SHITE!

And no, we had no snowblower, so I would literally have to leave work early to start shoveling so I could get the kids home ok. And when it would FUCKING SNOW FUCKING NONSTOP MOTHERFUCKING INCHES?

I would strap the kids in the pre-warmed car, give them juice boxes, treats and books, turn on the radio, adjust the heater and shovel while they were in the car. I mean, my son was one years old, I couldn't leave him in the house alone with a five year old. And I had to shovel out from a 4 foot high wall., to get them to school. Ya'll know the wall right? The one the plow guys leave at the end of your driveway. WHICH FUCKING TURNS TO FUCKING SOLID ICE DURING THE NIGHT. I would check on them periodically whilst I shoveled AND CHIPPED AWAY and it worked out for a while. Finally, I threw myself on the mercy of my neighbors, telling them of my temporary single mom hood and they helped me out quite a bit.

But man. IF YOU ARE SNOW AND YOU ARE READING THIS. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING FUCK FUCK FRIENDS AND YOUR DOG TOO! YOU AND RAT BASTARD COUSIN, FUCKING WINDCHILL OF FUCKING -35 DEGREES!

FUCK YOU, I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW MELTY DEATH!

******************************************************************

On brighter note, this song will always mean special winteriness. I would drive the kids around to look at the Christmas lights during this time, and this song would always play. Pancake loves the part about the wedding cake.

Turn it up loud and wiggle along. EXCEPT YOU SNOW! FUCKING GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Underdog by the band Spoon