Sunday, April 15, 2012


I'm starting to have less morning sickness and exhaustion. I went to the store to buy yogurt and did a bit a shopping. Normally after work, I limp home, pull into my driveway and then psyche myself to go into the house. I shower and tumble into bed. Trying not to puke and fall asleep at 5.30 pm. On Friday I made it all the way to 9.30!

So yeah, 12 weeks, things are transitioning.

Which brought up all sorts of nightmarish thoughts and untoward musings. I actually started to have nightmares. Nightmares that I was bleeding and losing the baby. My stupid head went in full battle mode about all of this. When I was sicky and tired, the thoughts were slowed because I was too sick to think. But, there were still there.

It sucks. It's like a drunk ex boyfriend that won't fricking go away.

Tomorrow, Monday, I'll be 13 weeks. I have a doctor's appt. Which I'm sure is triggering some of this. I just want to order a doppler to listen to the baby's heart beat and take my own blood pressure and pee in that cup at home. I don't need to go into a hospital and be subject to my OB's caring and reassurance.

But, fetal heart monitors are 300 dollars! And I don't have a way to measure the protein they're measuring. Plus, no matter what test I have it won't be enough to battle the monster thoughts and nightmares.

During all of this, I can't tell you how good I feel physically. I went this weekend without the bone crushing pukies and exhaustion. My back and hands are so sore from being clenched the last month or so. I feel my muscles healing. I actually ate yesterday and ENJOYED the succulent food. I am sitting upright and awake. It's simply amazing! The relief is incredible.

I'm surfacing and it feels so good to be awake and alive.

So let me say it once again, "Heavenly Father, carry me now, I've not the strength to walk alone."

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