Friday, December 10, 2010

Burned by wild desire

I had a dream the other night. It was like watching a movie of the week. Bette Milder was reunited with her infant son. She had decided to join with her son, her husband and the inlaws and live in duplex. She had had other children, they were older, but, they were well taken care of and she didn't need to go to therm. Somewhere during the dream, I started to morph with the actress and then the story was happening to me.

It was so emotional. I found myself crying in my sleep. I woke up crying.

I worked really heard on trying to figure it out. I believe this dream was sparked by the Fisher Price Nativity set up there. I found that set at Goodwill the other day and gave it to my kids to play with. They love it. They make all sorts of stories up about baby Jesus. That he can fly, that he's from Mars, et cetera. It makes them all curious about Jesus and God. Which is awesome.

So I thought the dream was about my emerging faith. The infant was my faith, in the newborn stages. And the older kids, these were my first, older experiences with faith. Mainly Buddism and Asian philosophy. These were the first brushes with letting a higher power into my life.

However, Buddism was more of a philosophy for me. Not a religion. Not a surrender. Not a belief. And while I will always carry the lessons and tools it gave me, the ways of calming my mind, knowing I am connected to much more then myself. . they are older kids I don't need to take care of anymore.

But then there was this morning. This morning changed my interpretation of the dream a bit. But before this morning, there was last night.


It's been four months of trying to get pregnant. It's starting to wear me down. I realize that it's me and my thoughts wearning me down. Not the process of trying. I am impatient, I am a type A person who acheives goals, I am ovulating and timing things to produce another child. But last night I knew wasn't pregant again. I knew before I officially checked this morning, that the pregnancy test would be negative. I knew it and I sobbed really hard while Mr. Hall held me.

Desire is a burning thing. I am sure that having two miscarriages plays a role here but my body, my mind, my heart and my soul all want to be pregnant. But I'm not, and it hurts like hell.

So my next task it to back up and see where I am causing this hurt. I have to remember there is no way I am in charge of this. No matter how many ovulation sticks, no matter how many cervical checks, I am not in charge of becoming pregnant. We can make love, but God makes life.

And my timeline is not God's.

2 Peter 3:8

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

Then I hand myself over. Surrender. Say to God that according to his plan, I am exactly where I need to be. And I turn towards Him, embrace his love and grace, letting the hurt dissolve. Letting his love heal.

And I'll pray, and worship and repeat this in my heart when I feel the ebb and flow of hurt. And it's awesome this faith. It is beyond anything I've ever had before.

And the wonder of it is, if this is my faith in it's infancy, what will it be like when it's full grown?


10 Left a message at the beep:

Charlene said...

Somehow you do have to let go of the need to be pregnant now. I never used birth control with any sex I ever had and I never got pregnant. I realized the finality of this when I was forty. It still hurts to think about this. My sister had children after a decade of taking the pill. Every friend I have had children. It's just awful but all this changes nothing.

Mrs. Hall said...

but here's the thing, after writing this and praying and giving myself to God, this isn't awful anymore. The need is there, but like I said, that may not be God's plan, so I hand myself over and it feels soo much better. :)

Lotus07 said...

Aw're making me all teary eyed here.....

...the lesson is obvious. Don't by toys at Goodwill.

Mrs. Hall said...

No kidding eh?


Dr Zibbs said...

That;s a beautiful nativity.

Mrs. Hall said...

breathtaking eh?

white rabbit said...

Dare I suggest it but maybe forget about getting pregnant. Just carry on as usual. Then I'll bet it happens.


Slyde said...

we tried for the longest time to have a 2nd child. it just didnt happen for us, and as much as i wanted my son to NOT be an only child like i was, in the end we decided that if it happens, it happens... all that fertility doctor crap got old real fast for us...

Mrs. Hall said...

WR: :)

Slyde: well I can say this, after our third kid we planned on foster to adopting a child, we may be heading that realm if this keeps up.

and yeah, fertility doctors, ppffft. I'm going for more test wednesday. wish me luck.


Anonymous said...

Mrs...just big hugs.

Big, sloppy, cryin' 'bout our ovaries hugs...

And, lots of love, too.

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