Too much yet not enough

I've been having a long think about things.

Do you realize that for every post I post there are four or five other posts that I don't?

That's a lotzza posts.

I write because I am a writer. All I have to do is open the spigot, just a little bit, and whamo. There is a thrill to all this, to putting all my work out, right now. And there is no editor, no one to tell me what or how to do all of this. It's like being in a candy store.

This lends itself to being too much and not saying enough. Which compromises the goal of this here blog. The goal of adding something artsy, marital and original to the conversation. And that's what this is, a conversation.

At this point, I want to focus the conversation inward, to me and my family. This is why I changed all my profile information. This blog will be a documentation of me and mine. My heart, my mind and my family.

Lots of fodder.

So-this is my challenge. I will trim the posts to twice a week, Mondays and Fridays. Mondays will a more lengthy post. Fridays will be shorter and funner. Only the best writing goes here.

That way, ten years from now, there will be only the best to read. And it will be very manageable.

I will tell less and show more.


SO-speaking of too much



Let me leave you with a clip. This clip is something that I have absolutely no words for. I mean, honestly, I saw this and I was



gobsmacked.



I just don't have the words here.


What can I say about my ongoing obsession with the Girls Next Door. Best to just ride with it I suppose.

This clip has a commercial in the beginning, but wait, it'll come.



Leave the comments about the clip. Please, comment away :)

I stole something today

ahh, sin. yes, lovely sin. breathe it in people, breathe it in :)



I stole something today. It was a completely premeditated theft.

Ya see, I have what is called the mirena IUD (click here-its the one on the right). Which is fabulous by the way. So very very faboosh!! For those who don't know, the IUD goes is an intra-uterine-device that keeps a women from conceiving. It goes here (click here). I believe it may be the most perfect birth control.

Really, it is the perfect birth control. It requires ZERO effort on my part. Well, I had to remember to make an appointment to get it placed. So easy this appointment. Having it placed involves the same procedures and equipment as any other gynecology appointment. There is the gown, the foot rests nee' stirrups but gimme a break they are what they are and a speculum. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. It is a sigh of relief that can begin a total of five years worth of birth control. I've had two now. Again, FABOOSH!!

Getting it removed though, well, that was a bit um, disappointing.

Ya see, getting pregnant is a very exciting time in a marriage. All sorts of hyper and enthusiastic sex. It is pure and primal. And the love, oh the love. After all, that is what sex is for, making babies. All sorts of hyper and enthusiastic love gushing back and forth.

It was a disappointing contrast between what we felt and what we were doing. I mean, to celebrate and start the process of gushy baby making, to celebrate the sexy marital love, we booked an appointment to have my mirena removed. It was disappointing, basically Jeff went with me to something very much like a pap test. (Oh you know you want to click here)

Jeff whined that there were no good magazines to read, just two year old copies of ladies home journal.

Well what did you expect, I say, this is the women’s health clinic.

It was very anticlimactic.

Then we went to Hawaii. Was all sorts of fun. Some four weeks later, I was pregnant with Mac.

In my past, I was meticulous about conceiving. I can tell you the very hour each baby was conceived. I know because I tracked my ovulation like a crazed stalker.

No more I say, no more! This time, in present day, we will let nature take it's course. Or I will anyway. It will be as natural as possible. Jeff and I will be in charge of the entire process from beginning to birth. Starting with the withdrawal of my mirena.

It started today, at a routine doctor's appointment.

THAT’S RIGHT!!!

I swiped a plastic, disposable speculum. It was sterile and sealed hermetically in a clear plastic bag. Swiped from the middle drawer under the exam table.

Put in my totebag and brought it home. It felt tender in the tote bag, like a puppy. It's now tucked in my undie drawer, waiting patiently. When I see it there I comfort it. I say, patience my love, it'll be soon, very very soon.


Yes, yes, it is all very good.

So very, very twinkly good.


Amen I say, amen.

So THAT'S what drunk feels like!!

Today is Friday and dammit, I have so much. But, gonna hold it in, let it germinate.

I can say I have started experimenting with alcohol. I enjoy one cocktail a week. So far I have tried a few jack and cokes (gave me a headache every time), one or two orange juice with vodkas (too many calories) and one chocolate martini.

DAYUM!!!

So----chocolate martinis then.

Holy good Lord!! So THAT'S what drunk feels like!!

I ordered it as part of my ongoing experiment. It was very tasty. Then I felt my lips go numb. And I couldn't stop giggling. I felt all floaty and busty. And really really sneaky. I felt fabulous. Then my cheeks started to hurt from all the happy smiling. But it didn't matter because my face started to go numb. Still giggly though. hee hee. And there was much flirting between me and the Mister. The kids weren't there, it was like a date!

I must say, it was a happy night, the martini night. I must remember to harness this power of martini goodness for the appropriate times. And perhaps only have half of one. After all, when Mr. Hall and I got home, other things were numbed. That's no good. But yeah, martinis gets 2 thumbs up!

By far, the best cocktail I have had is rum with diet coke. Tasty, fun and only 3 points. Well, the points (aka calories are) questionable. I mean, I bought a 'jigger' to measure the booze out. Only there is two sections to the 'jigger' (see pix below). Which side is the 'jigger' measurement?



Ah nuts, does it really matter?

I didn't think so ;)


O-BTW- I am now two pounds form my goal weight. Cause I rock!!!

here's hoping you have a swinging weekend!



UPDATE: HEY CHECK OUT MY NEW PROFILE (THE LONG VERSION)!!! SWEEET!! AND WTF, WHY DOESN'T THE STUFF THAT NORMALLY SHOWS UP ON THE RIGHT SOMETIMES MOVE TO THE BOTTOM OF MY BLOG? HUH.

take care!!!

What I will miss cable when I move. I will miss the stream of super family shows the most.

One of the superfamilies shows, is called 18 and counting. This would be the Duggar family. They have 18 kids. They had them one at a time and support themselves via rental properties, farming and living within a church community. It works, their system.

Note the ankle length denim skirts, NOTE THEM!!

This show, it calls to me. I see a lot of our family in their family. There is a loving husband and wife, their life is focused on the kids, they are relaxed and self-sustaining. They have 'conservative' values. They have a life focused on God.

It all looks very nice, warm and inviting. And I follow along with them, on their journeys, via the LCD screen. They look like very happy people, all sorts of squishy family love.

This positive experience is always interrupted though. It's those damn ankle length denim skirts the women wear. Like a fly caught in a window pane, buzzing spasmodically-but not dying. THAT is what those skirts feel like, to me.

This garment is part of their religion. I think there is a passage in the bible somewhere that says women shall not use the clothing of men. Or, women should dress like women and men like men. This is why most of your fundamental Christian women wear the long, ankle length denim skirts. And white anklet socks. And white keds.

It irritates me to no end. I can fly into a psychotic rage if I linger too long with my thoughts on the matter.

Ya see, to truly live the life they lead, to truly dissolve yourself in the culture and faith of their community, I would have to omit certain areas of my life. Truly, I understand where they are coming from, why they shun modern society. There is a lot of disagreeableness out there. All sorts of sin and in congruency with what they value, what I value. This is why they shun movies with violence and sexual content. Why nekkid nekkid is reserved for the marital bedroom. That is not to say they look with shame onto sex or love.

In fact, they have very healthy way of understanding sex and love. There was one episode, when their oldest son got married, where the father gave him some absolutely wonderful advice about sex. He basically said women need nurturing, they need to be cared for, throughout the day, to feel loving. Communication is so important, women need to talk about things and include details most men find unnecessary. But the husband needs to listen, to show her his love.

Men are much different, he said. Men basically have on and off switches. It is up to the man to slow down, understand the wife's needs and support her. Then he gave him a DVD/Book that outlined the practicalities of sex, the importance of touching, looking and exploring their sexual bodies. Mex is wonderful and a gift to each other, as husband and wife. A gift from God.

Husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Hall, on their honeymoon

Of all the sex talks I've heard about, this was by far the most moving, the most valuable for that young man. And he was very young, eighteen in fact. His bride was also eighteen. And this is where it gets complicated. They, the kids, were not only virgins, but they had never actually kissed each other.

Whoa.

The thing is, is that some of what their life is about, is very true. For me anyway. There is so much joy to be had when you strip your life of peripheral influences. There is so much out there to distract and numb ourselves. For example- the 800 cable channels my parents have. All of it pretty much useless. And heavy on my senses. I will be glad when it is gone. I also shun most modern devices and gadgets. Not because I don't want them, but they numb my brain.

Yet as I walk through this life, focused on my family, focused on a greater purpose, I still value some of the evil out there.

Like art in all it's forms. Women centered art is the best. I can't help but truly enjoy a good Playboy or indie art project celebrating the beauty of women. These women, for the most part, are smiling, happy enjoying themselves. This is women folks, beautiful and enthusiastic and not wearing any clothes. So how do I reconcile all of this? Being drawn toward a pious life yet appreciating such sin?

The other Holly in her swan song pictorial

Here's the thing, being aware and in tune with high concepts such as spirituality, religion, morals, all of this is based on the duality of existence. If you recognize good, you recognize evil. However, it is impossible to ever separate one from the other. EVER. Good and evil are inexorably tied to one another there is no separation. No versus, just channeling the different energies.

And so, basing one's life on exclusion or omission of all that is evil is to deny life. So by all means, let me know God's love, feel the good word, raise my family focused on the greater. And let me see God's beauty. Let it calm and inspire me to share the happy and joy it makes me feel.

It's all part something greater than me. Something that I am not separate from but thriving in. It's all good, all solidifying, all reinforcing the joy I feel while being who I am.

Sadly, no matter what, I will never ever understand or accept ankle length denim skirts. Dear Lord, no. No no no. This will be my sin.

Now go forth and sin no more good people!

Daddy- as viewed by Pancake

"Daddy, when you come here, why do you take care of things?"

My daughter says this after recieving a five minute warning to finish up her breakfast. She has been sloooowwwwllly eating for about twenty minutes at this point. (Daddy comes up every weekend as we relocate to a new city).

I peak my head around the corner, curious about what she means by this.

"What do you mean Pancake, that Daddy takes care of things?"

She doesn't say anything. She is thinking, using her six year old logic and understanding of the situation.

"Well, Grandma lets me watch tv when I am eat breakfast and Daddy says no." she says.

You can tell she is not upset by this, just sort of stumped by it. Well, she is irritated, I mean, who doesn't want to watch a little Spongebob while eating cereal?

"Daddy is full of rules sweetheart. Daddy thinks about things. " He says this without any doubt in his voice.

And it is true. He is a Daddy who keeps everything in line. And I cannot wait until all the rules and routines and OUR ways of parenting are back in place. And it will might be hard for the kids, adjusting to life without cable, tvs in every room, corndogs for dinner. But there is no doubt how much they are loved, how much we care for them.

le sigh

Tonight I will be looking at a house. And the process of putting everything back into place-will begin in earnest. :)

Good Sunday Morning to you!

I set my alarm a little early to wake before the kiddies. Had my waffles and coffee before they woke up.

Poor Mac, he has to deal with girl hand me downs.

At eight oclock am, Pancake and Mac came wobbling out of their room. All messy hair and rubbing eyes. "Tired", Mac said plainly and then plopped on the couch next to me.

Pancake launched into this diatribe,

"I dreamed it was night and I went to gymnastics and then I wanted to go to the basketball class and when I was in basketball class they wanted to do swimming moves and I changed my mind and wanted to go back to gymnastics and said I would come back when I was done."

She took a breathe and did some more eye rubbing and snuggling on the couch. Adjusting the blankets around the three of us. "Then Mac started to spin around in the room like TEN TIMES and got in my bed and sat on my head. It was morning then."

I flipped on Spongebob and breathed in the little kid fragrance. A few minutes went by.

"Can I have some waffles please?" says the Pancake.

"WAAAFFFLLESS!!!!"

yelps Mac, who in one solid motion jumps from the couch and heads towards the kitchen.

"Sure little people of my life, It'll be right up, you want strawberry or blueberry?"

It's gonna be a good day every one :)

Happy Sunday :)

They did kill her after all

Has everyone heard that two of Anna Nicole Smith's doctors (one being her primary care doc and one being her psychiatrist) and her main man Howard K. Stern have been charged in with her death? Well, you have now.

And

I am really shocked about the whole deal. But not for the reasons you may think.

For those that are new, I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I have the power to prescribe medications including the ones that resulted in Ms. Smith's death. I remember reading through the list of meds that she was taking when she died. They included multiple pain medications and benzos (anti-anxiety/muscle relaxants) and a few hypnotics (medications that make you sleep).

I was not shocked at her medication list.

I have seen lists like that many times. It's called polypharmacy and it is very common in the United States. Sometimes, people demand a lot from medication. They can demand that it fix everything that upsets them. Somes, people also have underlying addictions to alcohol and other drugs and when they try to sober up, they seek out prescription meds to fill the void. Some are not willing to take no for an answer.

I have a lot of experience with this. And I say no. Which RESULTS IN THIS POST.

But, I am one of a million prescribers out there. Not all of us are such high minded folks. No pun intended.

When the addict won't take no for an answer, they will find another prescriber. Sometimes they will see two or three prescribers, often using different clinics, different pharmacies, all to fill their addiction. They will seek care under different names. That way, the pharmacies won't catch on. Other addictive behavior includes lying to the prescribers to get early refills, saying things like, "the pill bottle was in my coat and i gave my coat to good will" or "it was in my pants and I washed it" or "it was in my car and my car was stolen". All bullshit addict talk. All bullshit addict game playing. All sad and part of the problem.

I have been a nurse long enough to see this kind of addict behavior a mile a way. Which is good, as I am not part of the problem. I am part of the solution.

Yet the doctor and the psychiatrist that tended to Anna Nicole? There is no way they did not understand what they were doing. Which was killing her. And they were doing it for greed and personal gain. And I am shocked people. Shocked they were charged. Noone calls out prescribers for polypharmacy. We all kind of sigh and pass it off.

I really think I have become too complacent with all of this. With seeing the laundry lists of multiple meds. I need to be more vigilant with my patients' care. Call attention to medication lists that will kill them. Either way, I hope the doctors get the chair.

It's a good thing the doctors were charged. Maybe that will help all of us pony up more. Be better at what we do, which is help people.

Let me end with another blogger's summary of the incident, which is supurb. It is from the site, What Would Tyler Durden DO? http://www.wwtdd.com/ It sums it all up just fine.

Anna Nicole Smith died on February 8, 2007, at the Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, Florida, from an overdose of the sedative chloral hydrate combined with three different types of the sedative benzodiazepine. Her autopsy said her death was not homicide, suicide, or natural causes. Unfortunately for her lawyer Howard K. Stern, the autopsy doctor is not a cop, and the cops make a frowny face when you give a drug addict barrels full of psychoactive drugs whose primary function is to slow down the central nervous system.