You kids GET OFF MY LAWN! Part one

Two blocks from the house I grew up in, there was a house on a corner lot. On the corner of their lawn, there was a big boulder. This house was next to our bus stop for middle school. So there we were, 13 year olds. Slouching on the boulder.

And every day dude would come roaring out of his house.

Yelling, "GET OFF THE ROCK!!"

Old bastard.

But here's the thing, that yard is now two blocks away from my current house. Because when I moved here- I moved four blocks from the neighbor hood I grew up in.

This still boggles my mind. Because I had never expected to be back here. offt.

Anywhoodle.

Dropping my little girl off to school I noticed something about that same corner lot house. The old bastard GET OFF MY ROCK!! corner lot house.

Dude installed a nasty fence. To send a message I suppose.



This got me to thinking. I need to develop stuff that makes me pop a neck vein. Something that let's me get my crank on. So, without further ado, here is my list of things that make me say

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

1. Frickin backwards caps



2. Seeing her goddamn underwear. NOT ATTRACTIVE OR CUTE JUST WHITE TRASH!!!



3. I don't fucking care if it's walmart, YOU STILL HAVE TO GET DRESSED BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE GODDAMN HOUSE



4. IF YOU'RE GOING TO ACT LIKE A GROWN UP AND WEAR A FANCY STRAPLESS DRESS PULL BACK YOUR GOSH DARN SHOULDERS!!!! POSTURE!!!!!



I don't know. These are battles I cannot win. But, I think it only proper I have some seething rage about something. I'm much too cheery really. So, these are my GET OFF MY LAWN complaints.

Yet. Still. When I go to pick up with little girl next monday, I will take a few minutes to sneak behind that POINTY STUPID FENCE and sit for a moment on that boulder.

Just cause!

:)

Fits of laughter caused by middle age farts and Windows 7 (IRONIC UPDATE)

Let me say this, I have always worked with nurses, doctors and psychologists who are in the 45-60+ range. Pre-old bastard range, more middle age farts.

I am a mental health nurse practitioner who is 33. Damn spring chicken age if you ask me! All hot and smart too!

NOW. Ya'll have heard about windows 7 right. Our organization was recently switched to this. We had a meeting about it. A big, big, big meeting.

One hundred health care professionals in hot conference room. NOT ONE OF US BELOW A MASTER'S DEGREE. Unfortunately this means a high concentration of middle age farts. They suck at these types of meetings. Because using computers still confuses them. CONFUSES AND BEWILDERS AND MAKES THEM ANXIOUS AND WHINY.

Ask me how the meeting went.

Go ahead ask.

GAWD I just wanted to start yelling! I mean, it's just a computer people. NOT A LIVE SNAKE SITTING ON YOUR DESK. Just suck it up. CHANGE IS PART OF LIFE. Adapt and move on please. The sooner you stop whining, the sooner the meeting is done. THEN WE CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!

I hang my head in shame here. These are my people, my coworkers. WE ARE NOT YOKELS!!! And I want to just start screaming. Especially when this question was asked:

"Can we be switched back to the old version? "

Tremor in the asker's voice. I swear, I almost saw tears. THIS WAS A DOCTOR PEOPLE. A DOCTOR WHO ASKED THIS.

"No.",

said the IT guy. Our health care system is nation wide. Everyone works within the same system.

Hey look, here's a photo of the IT guy!

Honestly people. So for the next two hours TWO HOURS FOR THE LOVE OF FRICKING GOD GIMME A GODDAMN BREAK!! we learned what I learned a year ago whilst getting my master's degree. The basics of windows 7. BASICS, like using microsoft word.

Then it happened.

While the IT guy was explaining the trillion functions of Outlook, he gets to the calendar function. He was using a big projection screen, so we could see exactly what he was doing. Here is a screen capture of the outlook calendar business.



It should be noted he talked like Gay Al, from South Park (note the picture above). Or, if you are an old bastard reading this, he was like Richard Simmons. When he got excited his voice went up. Had a lisp too. Which just added to the funny that was about to happen.

Cause he was a flaming gay IT guy. No lie, so flaming you could see him from space.

"NOW", he says Big Gay Al, "With windows 7, you can accessss other people's calendars. So if you want to see schedule a meeting with another persssson, just take that perssson's calendar and lay it on top of yours. (my snicker senses perk up) See like this, now her ssschedule is on top of yoursss, laying it right on top of you. You can see where the parts match up, sssee what parts fit together. (silent giggles begin)

In fact, you can accessss a few people and lay them right on top of you. (I look around-NOONE is getting the joke!-this makes it funnier because it's now its an inside joke) See like this, just put her on top, then him on top of her. Then, both of them would be on top of you! (I am dying-squirming in the chair!) Everyone piled together on top of each other, just see where things line up. You can have a whole bunch of people piled on top of you all at the same time."

That's when I lost it!

With my shoulders vibrating, fist clenched against my mouth, I calmly go to the rest room and let out the giggles. Visions of virtual orgies between the outlook calenders dancing in my head.

OH GAWD it was so effing funny!

It's funny because I am a 14 year old boy inside, amused by such things.

Almost made the entire meeting worth it. Almost!

(IRONIC UPDATE)

Mr. Hall read the post (he reads every post actually), and last night he was all like , "Um, babe, I'm pretty sure you don't have Microsoft 7, that's not out until next October. You most like likely have the 2007 version."

And I kind of argued because I was tired and really I have no idea what I was arguing about, but whatevs, it was 11.30 pm and I was cranky. And because if he reads the posts WHY CAN'T HE COMMENT HERE!! but, i digress.

Turns out, no I don't have Windows 7-but 2007. The windows 'operating system' is XP.

Mr. Hall says, "yes, this is the way I set up my clients workstations. ". Then he started talking all computery and I blushed because even though I don't understand what he is saying, he gets all excited about this and well, I heart Mr. Hall.

So yes, irony. I was wrong about what system we use here. Technology escapes me when it goes beyond what I need it for. So, i was wrong. Which is fine. I mean, I could come in and find a ham sandwhich on my desk, computer in the trash, and I WOULD STILL MAKE IT WORK!! Chart on patients, order labs, order medications, and do everything I do! Because really, its only a ham sandwhich NOT A LIVE SNAKE!!!

Old bastards and yippie dogs that I'll miss the most

Dang, if it just didn't make noise, it'd sooo be my next dog

Our next door neighbors, eh hem, soon to be ex next door neighbors, are old bastards. Old, retired, married couple bastards in their mid to late sixties. But, old bastards nonetheless.

They are living the good life, she sells Avon for pin money. He does country and western gigs at local bars. They have two of the yippiest dogs I have ever known. The dogettes go crazy when the kids get near them. All twitchy spastic, manic yip yip yip, and furiously licking at their tiny hands through the waist high, chain link fence. Yip yip yip . . .

They absolutely luuurved Henry. Fed him treats over the fence. Henry was ever the gentleman. Always well behaved, did tricks too. He never barked at the tiny dogs, just took it all in. The old bastards bought him a treat jar last Christmas. It was in the shape of a Rottweiler. They really did love Henry.

Mr. Hall sent me a message today. They are having a yard sale for the next few days. What is left of our furniture is going into that yard sale, it'll run from Thursday through Saturday. If you want what is left of my college apartment furniture, better hurry.

Especially since a ton of old bastards in big tan Cadillacs began to arrive at 7.00 this am. Even though the sale is going on for four days, old bastards in big tan Cadillacs gotta get their yard sale on. And clogg up the feng shui of our cul de sac.

Soon to be ex cul de sac, I mean.

I will miss them. And their old bastard rummage sales. I will miss the yippiest dogs I have ever known.

I have made a decision though. I need to self nurture here. Stop living over there so much.

Have something to do besides kids, work, kids, intense happy YAY!! Mr. Hall is here!!, sad soooo sad, walking funny, sad Mr. Hall gone, work, kids, work, kids, intense . . . . .

This painting is called,"Woman holding a balance" Ya'll get the metaphor of the painting in relation to the content of this here post now, doncha? :)

So, for once a month, I have made something for me to do.

I am going to join a local club.

I called to inquire about it. Because there was no email listed on the web site.

Ring Ring

"Elllo, this is Klouten rezidense"

"Um, Hello, My name is Holly Hall and I am calling to find out more information about the writer's club out of [the town I live in]. My husband and I are moving up to the area, so I am new here."

When I get nervous I lie. It's like a very bad tick. Bad because I SUCK at lying.

"Es, veddi goot, es see Twosdai, edder month"

"I'm sorry, um is this Kurt? Did I reach the writer's club. . .? "

"Ooof! Sorry ma'am, mien Austrian accent is veddi thick, I speak slower k?"


Old bastards on the phone is fun.

I know he was an old bastard because this was 10 am on a Tuesday. And he picked up by saying 'this is the Klouten residence.' This is old bastard manners.

"Mrs. Hall

[GOD I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE CALL ME THIS!!!! old bastard manners rock!]

"Mrs. Hall, vhat do u write?"

Long pause. I think. Then, I think some more.

I mean, seriously, what do I write?

"Um, just about anything." Long pause.

I hear him kind of chuckle.

Then I said, after searching for someway to explain what the hell I am doing-

"I have a blog."

He said, " Un Blug? Blouck?"

"Yes, a blog, um, do you know what a blog is?"

He said yes. But, I doubt it. Old bastard on the phone.

So, once a month, on the first Tuesday, I will be rejoining the human race by going to a writer's club. I've been part of 3 or 4 writer's clubs in my wee life. It is fun, kind of like this blog circle, only in real life.I have seen the pictures of their meetings. And much like this group here. . . . . . . well . . . . .

I will be one of the younger members. Heck, I think Earl is the oldest at 52. The youngest member here is Caz I think. Well, she is definitely the most pregnant. Seriously, you must visit Spacebook, it is all sorts of crazy busting out love! But, again, to quote another blogger, I'm about 12 in grown up years.

But, this is a start, just me, getting the fuck out of the crazy house, stretching my creative wings. Hopefully there will be booze.

So now, let's not get ourselves all whipped up in a shy frenzy, let's remember to smile and beam positive energy.

Let's not get all worked up being around real writers in the real world. Or get all worked up about thee fact that old bastards have had more time to hone their craft. Let's not be scared about this, after all, I've got some skills.

In fact,

Let's not be scared of anything.

And let's go further. Do more stuff I like to do. I see myself going back to yoga class, maybe volunteer, maybe bible study again.

Yes I know, this life I lead, this life is party central :)

But it'll have to wait until I move back into my own house.

Soon though, soon. :)