If you are regular fan of the Blog de Senora Hall, you know how I feel about the mister. I lurve the Mister Hall with all my heart. I remember our first conversation on the phone, which lasted something like 5 hours.
During the first half hour I said, "You're such a brilliant thinker." I was gushing. Embarrassed, I tried to take it back. But, it was out there. I was smitten. I had gushed. No takesy backsies.
I had never encountered anyone like Mr. Hall before. He is all man. He is very strong and powerful. With a blend of thoughtful, caring and thorough love. As you can see, I still gush. Almost nine years of marriage people. He still rings my bell.
However, as a result of his thoughtfulness and the care he takes with everything, he moves at a slower pace than me. I am a warp speed kind of girl. Again, I have the ADD brain. I actively attend to this, find ways to slow myself down. I try to sleep well, eat well and do my yoga. But, under stress, everything speeds up. Including my thoughts, emotions and actions. I miss details and get snappy. And bossy.
The bossy stems from being a faux single mom right now. I have had a few stints as a single Mom already. Mr. Hall has been over seas twice during our marriage, about four months each time. During those times, like now, I slip into Robo Mom mode. I am very focused on giving the kids a very normal and calm life. Making sure everything is taken care of and making sure they are happy, warm and having fun. Which is what we usually do are parents. I just do all of it when he is not here.
This requires a lot of energy.
As a side effect, my focus becomes very narrow. I start to neglect myself emotionally. Basically, I shut off. Not to the kids though, they get love and hugs. They get snuggles, cuddles and tickles. I shut off to everyone else. Mr. Hall included.
But, this time of single Momdom is different then before. He is not overseas. Mr. Hall shows up on the weekends. During the weekends, I am knocked clear out of my Robo Mom mode. I have to shift everything -my thoughts, my actions, my way of communicating.
Sometimes, I'm not so good at it. I have to remind myself that he is not my 'helper'. He is not someone I can assign tasks and boss around. I need to ask nicely and be loving about things. After all, he is my partner. Someone who needs care, who needs my love. Who needs me.
Which is hard for me to understand sometimes. He is such a strong guy, so much of me is taken care of by him. To hear him needing me, to hear him say uncle, is to admit that he is not indestructible. And it calls attention to how self centered I can be.
Case in point, last Sunday morning.
I was sitting at the computer, planning the day. Exhausted, puffy eyed and twitchy. I was figuring out where to go with the kids. It needs to be a place that can entertain both a six and a two year old. I was planning how long it would take to drive there, coordinating the drive with nap times, planning what we needed to bring (clothes, diapers, snack etc).
Meanwhile, the kids were loudly playing in the next room. Half of my brain was in that room, hovering like a fly on the wall, picturing what was going on. Keeping a third eye on the them. My brain was all hyper yet fuzzy.
Then I hear a holler from the kids. It's not an emergency holler, more of a 'she snatched my toy' or 'he hit me' holler. I want to intervene and stop the yelping. I am trying to plan the day. Robo Mom Mode.
I say to Mr. Hall, who is laying on the bed, eyes closed while he half dozes, "Hey, can you check on them?" I am bristling and most likely, whining.
He says, "Their fine babe, we can hear them just fine. I could use a back rub though."
That's when the beatings started.
"GAAAH!!!!" Says I, "GAAAHH!!! JUST CHECK ON THEM!!! JUST DO IT!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE HERE!! What goes on during the week!!!" I cross the room, fists all clenched, cheeks all red. I realize how ridiculous I am though. I do have a slight smirk.
I straddle him and do that girl pounding on chest thing. Funneling the irked energies. We start to wrestle. He is a very adept guy. I am pinned in under 2 seconds. I am giggling a little. Starting to cry though. Soft sob.
I'm all wrapped up in his arms and legs on the twin bed. He is soft and strong. "Do you have a list of things you can do on the weekends? Places to go and such?" He exudes calm.
"No! I am just figuring it out, figuring out where the zoos and parks are in this city. You have no idea babe, you have no idea how much energy this takes. I am barely keeping up with things. No energy for 'lists.'"
I am sobbing softly. Over tired and spent. Exhausted from living this life up here. Living with my parents became unbearable
two months ago.
They love the grandkids, but don't offer any sort of hands on help. But they do love the grandkids. And they tolerate me. But, they are not fans of Mrs. Hall by any stretch. They do not have my back.
We underestimated the work it would take to get the house ready for sale. We underestimated toll it would take on both of us. Mr. Hall has been doing it all. He is only one guy. Working 70 hours a week. We should have hired people to help months ago. We have help now though. He is only working two days a week now.
So all of this single mom crap, it is turning chronic. And it is getting harder to turn to Mr. Hall for help. Harder to give him help when he asks for it. We are off in our rhythms.
That being said.
The house is now listed.
Which is the second of many steps of making this right. The first step is pealing back my isolative tendencies. We need to get through this together. Which means reaching out to him, giving him backrubs.
Because taking care of him is taking care of me. Which should, with any luck, reduce the beatings.
The Character Builder's Bible
3 months ago