Alright look. I don't want to write this, but dammit, here it is.
I've been fighting a bit of a depression lately. Feel no pity for me! I see the sadness for what it is. It is me having stayed way too long in the basement of my parent's house. And missing Mr. Hall and all.
So I count my blessings, get out as much as possible doing things with the kids. Sticking with weight watchers, doing yoga. Crying when I need to, feeling sad when I need to. Celebrating the weekends with untold fervor. Yet, the cloud, she grew bigger. But, at least I have a name to my shame.
And the name is this:
Every day I come home to a house that is not my home. My husband two hours away. Everything sticky with yuck and tension. My asshole dads exits to the basement. I leave with the kids and return around 7.30. Bath-bed-book and songs for the kids. Then, I go downstairs. Wake up at 6.30 and start it again.
Things have thawed a bit with my mom and I. Her vacation helped a lot. My Dad? Still and asshole. But he hides in the basement, so yeah, good for everyone involved.
Then, in the last two days, just about everything has changed.
I started reviewing how this all came about. I graduated, this time last year, with a Master's Degree in Nursing. This enabled me to become a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner.
Now, I graduated in a town that was surrounded by TWO MEDICAL SCHOOLS and FOUR SCHOOLS OF NURSING. This alone limited the job market for such a new nurse practitioner.
Then, that word in front of nurse practitioner, "Psychiatric", limits things further. There are not a lot of jobs in mental health. Most health care organizations really don't expand or fuel their money into the mental health department.
Ya see, most health care organizations are profit based. A patient comes and the organization is reimbursed by the patients insurance company. This reimbursement is based on what type of appointment and or procedure is performed.
For instance, if the patient gets a hip surgery, they get a lot of money from the insurance company. Hip surgeries are expensive. Seeing a hip surgeon is expensive. CHA-CHING!!! My visits with patients, being a nurse practitioner, and doing what we do, just talking, this is not that expensive. cha- (no ching). This reimbursement covers the cost of salaries and running the place.
AND mental health patients are NOTORIOUS FOR NOT SHOWING UP FOR APPOINTMENTS. AND not having insurance. So as a result-MOST MENTAL HEALTH DEPARTMENTS NOT ONLY FAIL TO MAKE A PROFIT but THEY LOSE MONEY FOR THE ORGANIZATION.
WHAT ALL THIS MEANS IS THAT JOBS ARE SLIM PICKINS AND THAT IS WHY I AM HERE, IN THE GODDAMN BASEMENT.
Realizing this helps me. It really lifted my spirits to think of this yesterday. Because coming here is NOT MY FAULT. I needed to find a job and here is the BEST JOB IN THE WORLD.
Thus begins my basis of my happy.
THEN IT GETS BETTER.
Hey, are you still awake? Sorry to bore you with the background of American medicine...
The house went up on the web yesterday.
wait for it
waaaaaaaaait foooorrr iiittt . . . . .
We have had six people come and take a peep. And this is just the first two days.
I realize that these six people could be looking for nothing.
this is what hope is.
And now my task has gone from killing the black cloud of depression
Holding down the spiraling of manic happiness i am starting to feel.
Because one thing leads to another and having the house up for sale means people are looking and when people look they will love and when they will love they will put an offer in and then we get to accept it and then we get to sign papers saying here take this house and then
I can't say it.
wait. gotta dab the eyes here. hold on.
Then we can buy a new house and all of this
all of this
will be gone.
I am literally vibrating with hope. Need to keep it level. Steady now, stteeaadddy. . . .
I have to hand this over now. To God.
because no matter what or how I feel right now, right now I have no control beyond making my hope and happy grow. And right here, right now, having this kind of hope means everything. :)
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