Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Open letter to my friend who is gettin divorced

Seems divorce is happening around me lately. In places I never expected because well, marriage is suppose to be forever.

I have a lot of opinions on marriage. Well, not opinions but ways I can suggest to make it better. First, even before you get married, sort yourself out. If you are addicted to booze, drugs or food, get that fixed. If you are an asshole, get that fixed too. Same goes with selfishness, cheating on your girlfriends, meanness and general inflexibility. Work on your tolerance and mercy. Work on you to make you marriage material.

Next, find someone you want to marry. Get to know them. Look at that list up there. Are they an addict? Are they an asshole? Are they living with their mother and no plans of ever getting their act together? Decide what is your deal breaker and stick with that.

Decide what you want out of marriage and discuss with them. I can't stress this enough. Discuss values, goals and how many kids you want or don't want. I can't stress this enough. I see too many of my patients just merge with the next hot chick they see. After a lot of bar shots off of their bellies I bet. But a love of shots, being young and reckless does not a marriage make.

So yeah, a lot of prep work in the beginning will save you a lot of fixing while IN THE MARRIAGE. Fixing a marriage is hard work. People have to step up and change what they are doing. But--i've seen it happen where people--- who are absolute animals towards each other--I've seen that they can learn to change and make a healthy marriage out of a sucky one.

I don't think this is my friend's problem though.

My friend is actually my high school boyfriend who I dated for about 3 years. My only complaint from the relationship is that he never did stop doing drugs or getting drunk. He just saved it for Fridays when I wasn't with him. That and I'm 100% sure he gave me crabs-- but bygones people!!

I found him on facebook a few years ago and we talked a lot. He's a good guy. Good provider. Has a small girl with this wife and besides the fact he still talks about getting wasted... and they are both over 200 pounds . . . i never really saw anything amiss.

I remember when I first contacted him I had such guilt. When we were breaking up I was experimenting with so many things . . . lsd . . . living in the big city . . . dating girls . . . .it was a time of young, punk and naked stuff. I was turning feral. But, that's what one does when one turns 19 and leaves home. In short, he was a townie and I was on my way out.

I was happy to learn he was married. I always felt bad that we never even considered marriage. I was way too young in high school. I had no idea what a wife was. That all changed with Mr. Hall though.

When I asked about his wife he said, "she saved me." I was happy he was making a life and was still the same good guy I knew.

But know, it looks like he will be getting separated and maybe divorced. I feel bad for him. I want to reach out and say something. Like this.

Dear Brian:

I'm so sorry to hear about the 'relationship change'. I realize this isn't my place, but I want you to know my heart goes out to you. Marriages busting up really do suck. I can pretty much guarantee that you are still the same good guy and I can't imagine what has happened.

I hate to say this and I don't want to say something that will offend you, but have you tried counseling? Is she interested in counseling? I'm not sure what has happened but I can say from my experience, if two people are interested in saving their relationship and if they are willing to come to counseling, it's amazing what can happen. Maybe just schedule an intake for you, to help you through this process.

Either way, if you need anything, I'll be here for you. If you're ever on our side of town, you and your daughter are welcome for a bbq and a swim in our pool.

I'll be praying for you-

Maybe I'll send this. who knows?

1 Left a message at the beep:

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Marriage is work. Sadly, too many people expect another person to make them happy, but that expectation ultimately leads to huge disappointment.

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