I miss being Catholic, but that's not going to stop me

This is a short and choppy discussion of my faith. I want it to be more poetic and pretty but I'm short on time so this is what I offer.

Now . . . let's bow our heads and pray . . .



I dare anyone to find a more beautiful church than a Catholic Church. There are miles of red velvet, large stain glass windows and sculptures that can stop your breath. What other place of worship can offer this? In Kansas no less??!!





And don't get me started on the robes. Red, purples, golds . . . and black and white too.





Sigh.

I miss it. I'm not sure if any of you were raised Catholic or if it meant anything to you but I did and it does. I was even confirmed. Which means I chose that church.

Then I morphed into a creative and unique individual. Artsy as all get out. I started rejecting the church on moral grounds. The Catholic church says gays are bad and so is birth control. Also, women not need apply for priesthood. All of this was intolerable for me as a teenager.

I left God fall by the way side for about ten years. Biting and fighting any mention of God or Jesus. Angry and punk about all of it.

At age 20 or so I went to Amsterdam. It was a cheap flight. I was still a nursing student. I had never been to Europe and was smacked dumb by the cathedrals. At that point, I was already questioning my non faith. I was finding myself a little more needy at that point. Needy for a religion.

I wanted to find a priest and go to confessional. I wanted to cry and say, "Look, I'm feeling all this beauty in my life. I'm becoming a nurse and seeing all this life and death and blood and guts stuff, and it's breaking my heart. And I can't fight this anymore, my need to know God, in whatever form I can reach him or her. Help me please."

But I didn't do that because I knew that the Catholic Church is not my church. I can't have it be my place of worship if they don't let everyone come. If they are in charge. Because I've never felt God is higher or above me. I've felt faith and the ties that bind us all. I just want to get closer to that spirit.

Sigh. I didn't do anything on that trip.

After I got home, I did date Mr. Hall though. I trusted him enough to begin talking to me about religion. He never shared without me asking first. He was very kind and loving with me. Still is.

Then we went to Mr. Hall's church. It was in the bottom level of a house. It was run by South Korean missionaries. South Korean missionaries who came to the United States no less. And there I was, sitting on a metal folding chair, trying to understand the sermon. Because even though the pastor had been in the US for ten years, he still had a thick accent. It was like listening to Jackie Chan preach the gospel.

Then there was the retreat. That'll be a separate post. But, this was when my heart started opening up to God. Then I went to bible study. I found myself becoming a better wife, a better mom and a better nurse.

Now we are settled in our new house. My longing for my old church, here in my hometown, was very strong. "Can we please try St. Mary's?", I say to Mr. Hall. "I mean, I know all the prayers, when to sit, when to kneel. I know it all there. I don't have to guess what I am doing. It's my church."

Then I talk further and my argument gets weaker. Then I start to really talk about it.

The problem is, is that the Catholic Church is top heavy. For too long it's placed the priests on the same level as God. It creates an idea that God is separate, like a father figure watching over us. As such, those further up the food chain, the priests and the bishops, they have a lot of power over the organization. And like most top heavy conglomerations, the workers receive a less of the largess. But instead of less pay, we get less God.

I can say that I need faith. I need to be actively seeking out the love and spirit.
So, no matter how much I miss the rituals and sacraments, I am still a seeker.
And missing the Catholic Church is not going to stop me.

And at this point, I've been to a local church twice now. Seems very nice, all sorts of warm and open. And this place, this is where I begin.

Thank you for reading this. NOW-

GO FORTH AND SIN NO MORE!! :)