Monday, April 20, 2015
Whiskey and sadness is no good. It makes the ground ripe for tear spillage. Such was the case when my whiskey soaked self watched Silver Lining Playbook.
It's a story of a crazy man who moves from an asylum to his parent's house. His brand of crazy is bipolar. He vibrates with obsessive energies. He learned to control them to a certain degree. Running helps. Not acting crazy helps. On a run, he picks up a girl. Not entirely welcomed though (see illustration above).
This is where the movie starts to destroy me. The girl is a lot like what I use to be. I did not expect that.
She chases him in search of comfort and companionship. She's nuts and people treat her that way. All arms length. Her nuts is a bit more balanced than his. Hers is a bit more cohesive and didn't require inpatient stays. But, we all have needs and hers is to be loved.
He finally starts to hang out with her because she can do him a favor. He's obsessed with contacting his wife. With restraining orders in place, he's disparate. She knows his wife. This creates a need for him to know her. Without this piece, he would probably tell her to eff off completely and the book would be done.
It's about leverage. Girl has been leveraging what she has to get what she wants because when folks keep their distance, you need a way to bring them closer. When it comes to men, this girl puts out. Pretty much to everyone because that is a way of getting love. Losers come out in droves for this.
With my ground thoroughly watered by whiskey, I started to sob. I remember phone calls and letters of men wanting to meet me...all because they thought they could get lucky. They were mostly right. I was less than 16 at the time.
It's so sad thinking about this. Even a week later and stone cold sober.
Mr. Hall asked me how? Why? What can we do so this doesn't happen to our daughter?
I can say I had no center and was lonely. I was scared and introverted. I had a lot of unsupervised MTV time which, looking back, had a lot of soft coreness about it. Never underestimate the influence of what you surround yourself with. I didn't have a mom or dad who were particularly plugged into my life. They didn't read my poetry or understand why I shaved my head. But I don't blame them. We all did the best we could at the time.
A hundred partners and many years later I stopped reaching out by putting out. But all of this caused some damage A few years into my marriage I started to unravel things through therapy, yoga and weightwatchers. Yoga was especially helpful.
I think about what healed me. I can say love very much healed me. Love from God, love from forgiveness. Love from Mr. Hall.
It's a crazy world ya'll. Love pretty much heals every wound I've ever had.