the seven stages of being selfish

And I think to myself--what if I wasn't a mental health nurse practitioner? I could get a WHOLE NOTHER JOB. That didn't require listening, caring or caretaking. One that would make BUCKET LOADS of money that I throw around in a big monsoon of awesome! Then it would coat the floor and I'll roll around in it, all nakid.

But here's the thing about devoting the last 15 years to a profession--you aren't qualified for anything else. Nor can I tolerate starting over at the bottom of any other job.


(that's one btw)

Then, THEN I think . . . what if I wasn't a foster mom? Well, these kids will go back soon right? RIGHT? Everyone always says to me, I would love JUST LOVE to be a foster parent but I wouldn't want to give them back.

to which I say

Try raising a child that isn't yours, that doesn't want to be here and has no intention of listening. Especially to you, the foster mom. Because YOU ARE IN THE WAY. What the child really wants is her mommy. In fact, if her mommy could just be married to her foster dad WHEN THEN THAT would make her life complete. And then, have that child's mother shower her with gifts and spoil her so when she comes back she is full of attitude and lip because YOUR NOT MY MOMMY. And it breaks my heart because I love this child. And the child really loves her mom and her mom does, in fact, love her child. And I want them back together. Not just because I'm drained by her behaviors every single day, but because she is acting out because she's hurting.

then. THEN

the Mom called the cops on us because she feels we aren't treating her daughter right. I'm still reeling from that. I'm actually kind of traumatized by it. Having a police officer come to your house is never a good way to end the night. He was nice though.

It remains to be seen if I can take in another foster kid. I'm so drained it's not even funny.

(that's two btw)


So.

In a complete leap of faith I got my passport renewed today.

Because if the girl goes back to her mom. and the other boy goes back to his mom. And all of that seems likely. Mr. Hall and I will be taking a trip!

AND were not taking our three kids either!!!!

(that rounds out the list right there!!)

mmwhawwhaahhhaa!!