Last night we went to see our friend's new baby. 7 lbs of day old newborn. All Maggie Simpson on the nuk, sleepy and easy to hold. As I held her my pains and aches went away. Newborn babies are the elixir that cures pretty much every woe.
This photo below, is my current baby. Well, it was him 14 weeks ago. Back when I was 20 weeks pregnant. Cute pregnant. Little belly pregnant.
This is me now. I am 34 weeks, or, about 8 months. I can't eat, sleep, breathe, walk or get comfortable. My back spasms throughout the day and I have an unending need to pee. My pelvic bones are breaking apart most of the time. It's like when you crack your knuckles, only it's my pelvic bones cracking when I walk. I don't say these things to whine and complain, I say them because they are part of my current complex craziness.
Holding that baby last night, it broke open my last vestige of denial. I've talked to other Moms who have had miscarriages and we all experience denial with recurrent pregnancies. It's involuntary. We little forget we are pregnant to buffer our fear and pain. Crazy denial.
The first five months I was super sick with morning sickness, so that took care of a lot of my crazy denial. Then my belly poked out a little and it was like the castle in the fish bowel. A surprise every time for me. But a great surprise, like winning the lottery every time I looked down and noticed my belly.
I've struggled with fear. Crazy amounts of fear that wax and wane. Fear that this baby died. I get obsessed with feeling my baby move and struggle when he doesn't. I have had nightmares and obsessive thoughts of sad. It has gotten better the more I pray and go to bible study. The more I reach out to God, the more I heal and let the love flow.
Praying has made the biggest difference in the world.
And now, I am nearing the end of my pregnancy. I feel things loosen and change. He's so big inside me. I can feel his feet, his arms and his head. He's so strong that his thumping movements can be seen from the outside.
My faith has over come my fear. It's all so wonderful. I'm so thankful :)