messing with my fertility

Warning: this post is a bit graphic, but power through and it'll be worth it.

So, last week came the time for me to FINALLY schedule the appt. The appt to stop my fertility-aka-have a mirena iud placed.

In the last two days, I've been kind of a mess. First off, I don't like going back to that place-the hospital where I learned of my miscarriages and where my d & c's were performed. I don't like dealing with my high powered OB GYN, I don't like her. It's not her specifically, it's that she never once gave me a hug during what was probably the most horrible times in my life. Not that I want a hug, in fact, I don't want anything to do with it at all. All of it, the hospital and the ob-gyn, it triggers large buckets of sadness and my heart to ache.

This doesn't change the fact that Mr. Hall and I are still fertile. But, we don't want to make any decisions right now-about having babies I mean. I gently suggested we just throw caution to the wind, not actively prevent any pregnancy. And he said no, that would be making a decision. We need to heal, he said.

SO

En route to the appt I was losing my shit. I was honestly second guessing everything. I was thinking-maybe just go on the pill for a few months-or-the depo shot, that's an option. Then I started to get really pissed off. Then I almost turned around. I don't want any of this. I still want to be pregnant. I was due December 18th! I still should be pregnant!

BUT I'm not.

This was horrible, thinking and feeling all of this. Especially the last part, where I realize I still want to be pregnant but I'm not. It's a horrible snap back to how I felt two months ago. I'm two months on the other side of losing the last baby now. It's still raw and tender.

Mr. Hall is right about the need to heal some more.

In the clinic, I was crying on the inside when the nurse called my name. I made polite small talk. Told them 14 times I hadn't had sex since my menses started. They asked 14 times and had me take a pregnancy test. Which was negative.

sigh.

What it comes down to is this, I AM NOT DONE ADDING CHILDREN TO THIS FAMILY. I AM NOT DONE AT ALL.

But.

Getting pregnant is not something I want right now. I don't want the scared, the sad, the frightened. I don't want the waiting, the positive pregnancy test, the throwing up and out of commission for two months. I don't want to go through another miscarriage. And even if I could possibly guarantee a problem free pregnancy with a bouncing healthy baby at the end. . . .

It's just not something we're capable of right now. I don't think we'll try to knock me up again.

SO

I layed back,and in the IUD went.

Then a funny thing happened. I felt better. I remember the OB GYN telling me it went well, no problems down there. She told me to make an appt in a month so she can check things.

To which I thought:

NOT A FUCKING CHANCE! I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE THIS CHICK AGAIN!!! OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!!!

Mr. Hall can, ehem, 'check things' just fine.

Then, in the elevator, heading back to my car, I started giggling. I felt this rush of happiness come over me. I started dancing a wee jig. In the elevator. I felt free.

Then, on the way home, I felt even better. I got excited about going shopping for smaller clothes, I'm down 13 lbs now. Look below-only one chin!! I got excited about roller blading with my kids. I got excited about having more of my body back now that I have the wee IUD.

I'm so very thankful for what has been given to me, fertility wise. I'm so blessed to have all that I have.

And now, we'll give it a few more months and then pursue the other avenues of growing our family. :)

I'm looking forward to the big boobies

I am a woman who takes matters into her own hands.

This is especially true when getting pregnant.

Mr. Hall and I will try for our third child soon. To start trying I need to stop my birth control. Which causes some complications. My birth control is a mirena IUD. That being said, before I got pregnant with my son, I made an appointment to have the previous IUD taken out.

Which placed my matters into someone else's hands.



Which really, this was no good. I mean, the appointment went fine. But, deciding to get pregnant is a crazy lust filled crazy oh my god I love yes yes yes yes I wanna have more babies with you type moment.

I don't want no stinkin' doctor involved. And I don’t need no stickin' doctor!!

IMA NURSE!!!!



A nurse practitioner even.

All schooled in the arts of self care and womanly empowerment!!

So. Then.

Last night we made it possible for me to become with child.


My womb is about to go crazy with all the re regulating and preparing for the getting pregnant again.




We weren't phased until this morning.

We looked at each other after we woke up.

Our eyes met and we raised our eyebrows.

There is a large difference between talking about getting pregnant again and then actually doing it.

hee hee hee

I can say this without any doubt, I am soo looking forward to my boobs getting bigger. I miss being a d cup.

I stole something today

ahh, sin. yes, lovely sin. breathe it in people, breathe it in :)



I stole something today. It was a completely premeditated theft.

Ya see, I have what is called the mirena IUD (click here-its the one on the right). Which is fabulous by the way. So very very faboosh!! For those who don't know, the IUD goes is an intra-uterine-device that keeps a women from conceiving. It goes here (click here). I believe it may be the most perfect birth control.

Really, it is the perfect birth control. It requires ZERO effort on my part. Well, I had to remember to make an appointment to get it placed. So easy this appointment. Having it placed involves the same procedures and equipment as any other gynecology appointment. There is the gown, the foot rests nee' stirrups but gimme a break they are what they are and a speculum. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. It is a sigh of relief that can begin a total of five years worth of birth control. I've had two now. Again, FABOOSH!!

Getting it removed though, well, that was a bit um, disappointing.

Ya see, getting pregnant is a very exciting time in a marriage. All sorts of hyper and enthusiastic sex. It is pure and primal. And the love, oh the love. After all, that is what sex is for, making babies. All sorts of hyper and enthusiastic love gushing back and forth.

It was a disappointing contrast between what we felt and what we were doing. I mean, to celebrate and start the process of gushy baby making, to celebrate the sexy marital love, we booked an appointment to have my mirena removed. It was disappointing, basically Jeff went with me to something very much like a pap test. (Oh you know you want to click here)

Jeff whined that there were no good magazines to read, just two year old copies of ladies home journal.

Well what did you expect, I say, this is the women’s health clinic.

It was very anticlimactic.

Then we went to Hawaii. Was all sorts of fun. Some four weeks later, I was pregnant with Mac.

In my past, I was meticulous about conceiving. I can tell you the very hour each baby was conceived. I know because I tracked my ovulation like a crazed stalker.

No more I say, no more! This time, in present day, we will let nature take it's course. Or I will anyway. It will be as natural as possible. Jeff and I will be in charge of the entire process from beginning to birth. Starting with the withdrawal of my mirena.

It started today, at a routine doctor's appointment.

THAT’S RIGHT!!!

I swiped a plastic, disposable speculum. It was sterile and sealed hermetically in a clear plastic bag. Swiped from the middle drawer under the exam table.

Put in my totebag and brought it home. It felt tender in the tote bag, like a puppy. It's now tucked in my undie drawer, waiting patiently. When I see it there I comfort it. I say, patience my love, it'll be soon, very very soon.


Yes, yes, it is all very good.

So very, very twinkly good.


Amen I say, amen.