Mr. and Mrs. Hall discuss his pern stash

Mrs. Hall: So, was looking through your "Hmm" folder.

Mr. Hall: Oh? (smiles)

Mrs. Hall: My question is, why do you have so many files, so many images and movies?

Mr. Hall: Well, I haven't had a chance to weed through them lately. But, it takes a lot of looking to find good porn.

Mrs. Hall: What makes good porn for you?

Mr. Hall: Well, it's really a matter of the end result. What the images provoke in terms of fantasies, feelings... I can tell you what I don't like all day . . .but . .

Mrs. Hall: The big fakins is no good. Where the skin is all rippled around the cantaloupes.

Mr. Hall: Yeah, no good. I like the more amateur stuff, less porn-ey that way. Less professional women who make their mouths gape, making that grunting noise, (he grunts, sticking his tongue out-grabs his chest all fake porn actress like)

Mrs. Hall: What's with all the barely legal stuff though?

Mr. Hall: The women haven't had a chance to get all fake and stripper shoes. There's not all that stupid branded tattoos, more geniune. That's what I like, geniune. I like the couple stuff, the amatuer stuff. Where the people look like they're loving each other.

Mrs. Hall: Huh. Well. You have a lot of women produced films, feminist porn and such. And I can be very thankful I didn't find any guy on guy stuff . . . .

Mr. Hall: THERE IS NO WAY MAN ON MAN PORN will be in the pile. Now, GILF stuff . . .

Mrs. Hall: GILF?

(Mr. Hall says nothing, then I sound out the words in my head.)

Mrs. Hall: GROSS!!!!!!

Mr. Hall: NAH! Just kiddin', NOGILF! There are some videos with guys in vinyl masks, whips and donkeys even.

Mrs. Hall: KNOCK IT OFF!! There is not!!

Mr. Hall: I have some hidden midget files.

Mrs. Hall: SHUT UP!!! STOP PLANTING IMAGES IN MY HEAD!!

Mr. Hall & Mrs. Hall discuss mating habits

Here's a funky little conversation I had with Mr. Hall.

Mr. Hall: Did you hear about those Eagles in Alaska?

Mrs. Hall: (suspiciously) Wait, is this story going to be like that story you told me about a person's hand size . . . that if their hand is bigger than their face they're really smart?

ed. note:

YES I FELL FOR THAT.

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Hall: (laughing) No! No! That was funny though. I could have been a lot meaner with that. I barely pushed your hand by the way. No, this is a real story, you can look it up on CNN.* But, did you know Eagles mate in mid air?

Mrs. Hall: Weird.

Mr. Hall: Yeah, I know. It's a big deal in Alaska, tourists pay a lot of money to watch the mating habits. Apparently, there was mating couple who fell out of the sky. There were going at it and became oblivious to gravity. They fell and smashed right into a snowbank. The male eagle died but the female lived. She's injured though, rehabbing in some wildlife facility.

Mrs. Hall: WOAH!

Mr. Hall: Yeah, tell me about it. See, now, I totally get that. It's just crazy while things are going down, for guys I mean. I can totally understand becoming oblivious to gravity. It's just nutz for guys. I mean, all I gotta say to the male Eagle is, 'yeah, I feel ya buddy.'


END

*And sure enough HERES the story.

Mr. & Mrs. Hall discuss sex or lack thereof (HISTORIC POST UPDATE)

The night before ....


It's four in the morning something when wakes us up. All the way up. Gotta pee then try not to walk into walls as we zombie walk to bed kind of up. Back in bed, I close my eyes and immediately start REM sleeping. Then, I am yanked back to reality by two distinct sighs. They sound kind of like bow-chicka-wah-wow.

FOUR IN THE GODDAMN MORNING.

We were sleeping! Dead asleep. Snoring, dreaming, drool on the pillow asleep. We were woken accidentally, we just used the bathroom. Back in bed in less than 3 minutes flat. And we just had a rousing round of the maritals-less than six hours before.

Yet, there it was, the very distinct set of sighs. There would be no slumber.

Mr. Hall: "Ahh, yeah, I think it’s business time."

It boggles the mind, the male sex drive.

The next night, we have this discussion.

Mrs. Hall: So, what do guys do between girlfriends? I mean, what do men do with all that energy?

Mr. Hall: What do you mean?

Mrs. Hall: Well, what do men do between girlfriends with, um, the energy. I know for you, well being around me, it's worse than baseline because well, you love me like you do. It's more than sex drive that drives you crazy for me. And well, you have really been thoughtful and have only had sex with women you loved. So what do other men do with the energies?

Mr. Hall: (a shit eating grin appears)

Bar sluts

Mrs. Hall: JEFF!!! THAT’S NOT NICE TO SAY!! I mean, these energies are ridiculous. Have you ever sought out, um, a bar slut? I mean, that's so sad, those women, ug, they are women with feelings. gaaah.

Mr. Hall: Nah, noone would want to do that sort of thing, I mean, bars are full of women but, ug, the smoke, the skank factor alone . . . .

Mrs. Hall: So what then, what do men do? I mean it’s so sad, ‘to just take care of it’, I mean that’s so sad.

Mr. Hall: Yeah, kind of. But, ya do what ya gotta do.

Mrs. Hall: Well, then, your’re lucky you have me.

Mr. Hall: Lucky indeed.

And then, well, It was business time . .




HISTORIC POST UPDATE:

Mr. Hall made the very first genuine comments in the comments below. Comments there were neither provoked or translated through Mrs. Hall. And yes, everything he says is true. kissess smooches Mr. Hall ;)

Mr. & Mrs. Hall discuss sex and how hot I am

After . . . . . . . . . .

Mr. Hall: Are you sastisssss-fiiied my love?

Mrs. Hall: burrrumphahhlennbuuuulew, murphhhherrgrr . . . green

Mr. Hall: Well, anytime someone gets a charlie horse, they must be doing something right.

Mrs. Hall: mmmmmmmurrphhh

Mr. Hall: Remember to move your legs around more next time, maybe do some ankle rotations.

He spoons me. My left lower leg is still sore, but no longer spasming. Minutes pass

Mr. Hall: Oh my God, you're so hot, so hot like a curry. I didn't want to tell you how hot you are, didn't want to sound sexist. I mean, you're so hot your making me sexist.

Smiles, I smiles back

Mrs. Hall: SHUSH now!! (giggles)